Maybe I should be a pornstar?
It's been quite busy the last... however long it's been. I'm still angry with my parents, and being home is driving me insane!! I've been looking in the paper to move out, but everything is so damn expensive in the Bay Area! Why can't life be more simple?
But, wait... I wouldn't want it simple.
I think Dave is finally understanding why I lie to my parents. And he agrees that the way the treat me, us, is just ridiculous! We ended up coming home after motocross (I drove his truck because he was drunk, and, honestly wanted to fall asleep at the wheel.) We didn't end up home until 4 though, we stopped by his place so we could have sex ;o) How's that for eleminating tempation, Dad?
The night was absolutely wonderful! Romantic as ever. On the way there (since I was pissed off still) we took some pain pills that made us happy. Those were really cool!! And, I brought along alcohol so I could get buzzed. As we walked into the arena, my God!! I had just guzzled 2 smirnofs and taken another piece of the pill and had a ciggerette!! I was so high. Wow... but it was cool.
We talked about getting married a little. It seems we do quite a lot when he's been drinking. He told me the tickets were his best Christmas gift, which made me feel so happy! And he wooed me with the music from the night we met.
When we got back to his place, though, he told me he'd get me off, then turned on porn (to show me a move) and started to masterbaute to it. I don't care that he does it, I know he does, and it doesn't make me jealous, in fact I think it's healthy and natural... but, the way he made it seem was like the porn turned him on more than I do. He made comments about how hot some of the girls bodies are, but... I can't remember the last time he complimented mine. There I was sitting naked next to him, and yet, he didn't want to have sex with me. It made me feel like I'm inadequate. Like I'm not good enough. Like I don't please him or turn him on. And let me tell you, feeling like that has to be the biggest turn off.
He also thinks that I think he's small in size!! Let me tell you... Dave and I have had some of the best sex of my life!! There is nothing small about his penis. There is not a single aspect that I don't like about it. It tastes good, feels good, looks good. Damn! He's hot. It's not a foot long, but shit, it feels like it is! But somehow I make him feel like he's not... and I think that turns him off with me. Length does not matter, it's angle, and we got that down.
Or at least I think we did... maybe he doesn't think so. Maybe that's why we don't have sex much.
We rarely have sex. And that brings down my sex drive, too. You know... the less you get, the less you feel you need it. The more you have sex, the more fiend like you become. I've lost that.
Anyway, so, I wanted to spend the night with Dave last night, so I lied and did. It was odd, though. I never got the vibe he wanted me there. He had a headache, though.
He's so negative. He didn't really say anything positive the whole time I was with him. And he never compliments me. I'm noticing again. I'm feeling it again. It's bringing me down, again.
I've been really horny lately, and this morning and last night, I was doing my little things to let Dave know. He didn't respond to me at all. In fact, asked me if I was always horny? That's not only rude, but, why would it be a bad thing?? He turned me down both times. And yet, he got so mad at me the other night because it was like 2 in the morning, I wasn't feeling good, and didn't want to go upstairs to change into sweatpants so he would feel comfortable having sex.
I just feel like he isn't attracted to me. Last night and this morning, I kept feeling like there was something missing between us. I don't get any butterflies anymore. He never teases me, surprises me, compliments me, kisses me all over. I need those things.
He may go home for a couple months if he gets bumped here. I'm wondering, if we took a break, would I find out if there isn't something missing??
I love Dave and that scares me... but...
Sometimes you have to do what scares you to find out what you really need.
But, wait... I wouldn't want it simple.
I think Dave is finally understanding why I lie to my parents. And he agrees that the way the treat me, us, is just ridiculous! We ended up coming home after motocross (I drove his truck because he was drunk, and, honestly wanted to fall asleep at the wheel.) We didn't end up home until 4 though, we stopped by his place so we could have sex ;o) How's that for eleminating tempation, Dad?
The night was absolutely wonderful! Romantic as ever. On the way there (since I was pissed off still) we took some pain pills that made us happy. Those were really cool!! And, I brought along alcohol so I could get buzzed. As we walked into the arena, my God!! I had just guzzled 2 smirnofs and taken another piece of the pill and had a ciggerette!! I was so high. Wow... but it was cool.
We talked about getting married a little. It seems we do quite a lot when he's been drinking. He told me the tickets were his best Christmas gift, which made me feel so happy! And he wooed me with the music from the night we met.
When we got back to his place, though, he told me he'd get me off, then turned on porn (to show me a move) and started to masterbaute to it. I don't care that he does it, I know he does, and it doesn't make me jealous, in fact I think it's healthy and natural... but, the way he made it seem was like the porn turned him on more than I do. He made comments about how hot some of the girls bodies are, but... I can't remember the last time he complimented mine. There I was sitting naked next to him, and yet, he didn't want to have sex with me. It made me feel like I'm inadequate. Like I'm not good enough. Like I don't please him or turn him on. And let me tell you, feeling like that has to be the biggest turn off.
He also thinks that I think he's small in size!! Let me tell you... Dave and I have had some of the best sex of my life!! There is nothing small about his penis. There is not a single aspect that I don't like about it. It tastes good, feels good, looks good. Damn! He's hot. It's not a foot long, but shit, it feels like it is! But somehow I make him feel like he's not... and I think that turns him off with me. Length does not matter, it's angle, and we got that down.
Or at least I think we did... maybe he doesn't think so. Maybe that's why we don't have sex much.
We rarely have sex. And that brings down my sex drive, too. You know... the less you get, the less you feel you need it. The more you have sex, the more fiend like you become. I've lost that.
Anyway, so, I wanted to spend the night with Dave last night, so I lied and did. It was odd, though. I never got the vibe he wanted me there. He had a headache, though.
He's so negative. He didn't really say anything positive the whole time I was with him. And he never compliments me. I'm noticing again. I'm feeling it again. It's bringing me down, again.
I've been really horny lately, and this morning and last night, I was doing my little things to let Dave know. He didn't respond to me at all. In fact, asked me if I was always horny? That's not only rude, but, why would it be a bad thing?? He turned me down both times. And yet, he got so mad at me the other night because it was like 2 in the morning, I wasn't feeling good, and didn't want to go upstairs to change into sweatpants so he would feel comfortable having sex.
I just feel like he isn't attracted to me. Last night and this morning, I kept feeling like there was something missing between us. I don't get any butterflies anymore. He never teases me, surprises me, compliments me, kisses me all over. I need those things.
He may go home for a couple months if he gets bumped here. I'm wondering, if we took a break, would I find out if there isn't something missing??
I love Dave and that scares me... but...
Sometimes you have to do what scares you to find out what you really need.