My yearly birthday introspective.
Hey all. Yeah, still alive and well. Last year in October, lots of RL fam drama happened again and I just couldn't handle being online anymore. Didn't go completely radio silent as some of you know, since this time I didn't abandon twitter. I just couldn't handle anything fandom, not even ST (though still had to maintain the comm behind the scenes). I was (and still am though not as bad I hope), severely depressed. I did have a temp job that was rewarding and fun but exhaustive. Exhaustive enough that while I was sad when it ended (stupid other people jealous i could do a better job than them and make more money for the store than them), I realized I really didn't want to pursue a career in that as I really don't want to work that hard physically every day.
Hoped the new year would bring new changes and it almost happened as I finally got certain personal relationship experience under my belt, as one off as they were. But at least confirmed a few things about myself and what I wanted in life in that aspect. Was hopeful and genuinely happy for a week before my normal paranoias crashed on me and i got uber sick for a few weeks. Haven't been able to pick up really since then.
Bits of good things do happen so it's not it's been a truly horrible year. Got closer to online friend (miss still-need-to-see-GL), and made a new RL friend.
I do miss fandom. And not just ST fandom. I miss the true community/family feeling. Trying to get back into writing (so many ideas jeesus), both fanfic and original. Still in need of a job though hopefully not for long, and need to finish my degree. Even with a few real good online friends (you guys seriously help me get out of bed each day and make me smile), I still feel lonely and alone. My other rl friends haven't spoken to me in a while, and yes I haven't tried either other than a couple of times (and with a couple I know it's always bad timing and understand truly), it's just... I feel like I'll never be someone's bestie. And if I can't even be someone's bestie how the hell will I ever get someone to want me for more than just that? Yes there's a whole certain comm here in the city, where there's casual and poly and safe, and I do want to be participating in that a lot, but I still want lasting connections.
My birthday always kicks off Pride here in the city, and the normal person/friend I go with is going down to LA. Cause his number one bestie is his sister. I can't do events alone. Rarely do I ever do things alone (fun things mind). If it was hot today I would've treated myself to the beach. How can I explore Pride by myself?
Okay last bit is going under lj-cut.
Told my uncle, and he's happy for me. Want to wait till I have a good job before telling mom or rest of fam. Was going to tell my good friend this weekend but he won't be here. Laura kinda knows...
I'm bisexual. I've sorta known that about myself for a more than a year now. But really cemented it this year. I kinda don't think it's a big deal but it is and it isn't for me at least. I dunno. I really want a relationship with a guy. I want... other things with a girl. ^^ And that's all I'm gonna say for now about that.
So my birthday's almost over with not much fanfare. My family wished me a happy birthday and my grandma, even though she never needs to, got me a few presents which of course always makes me smile. Thanks to a couple of you for your special bday wishes to me. So while it not being my worst bday ever...(nothing's topped the one year as a kid when i truly found out what my classmates thought of me), it's still not a great one.
Here's hoping to next year.
Hoped the new year would bring new changes and it almost happened as I finally got certain personal relationship experience under my belt, as one off as they were. But at least confirmed a few things about myself and what I wanted in life in that aspect. Was hopeful and genuinely happy for a week before my normal paranoias crashed on me and i got uber sick for a few weeks. Haven't been able to pick up really since then.
Bits of good things do happen so it's not it's been a truly horrible year. Got closer to online friend (miss still-need-to-see-GL), and made a new RL friend.
I do miss fandom. And not just ST fandom. I miss the true community/family feeling. Trying to get back into writing (so many ideas jeesus), both fanfic and original. Still in need of a job though hopefully not for long, and need to finish my degree. Even with a few real good online friends (you guys seriously help me get out of bed each day and make me smile), I still feel lonely and alone. My other rl friends haven't spoken to me in a while, and yes I haven't tried either other than a couple of times (and with a couple I know it's always bad timing and understand truly), it's just... I feel like I'll never be someone's bestie. And if I can't even be someone's bestie how the hell will I ever get someone to want me for more than just that? Yes there's a whole certain comm here in the city, where there's casual and poly and safe, and I do want to be participating in that a lot, but I still want lasting connections.
My birthday always kicks off Pride here in the city, and the normal person/friend I go with is going down to LA. Cause his number one bestie is his sister. I can't do events alone. Rarely do I ever do things alone (fun things mind). If it was hot today I would've treated myself to the beach. How can I explore Pride by myself?
Okay last bit is going under lj-cut.
Told my uncle, and he's happy for me. Want to wait till I have a good job before telling mom or rest of fam. Was going to tell my good friend this weekend but he won't be here. Laura kinda knows...
I'm bisexual. I've sorta known that about myself for a more than a year now. But really cemented it this year. I kinda don't think it's a big deal but it is and it isn't for me at least. I dunno. I really want a relationship with a guy. I want... other things with a girl. ^^ And that's all I'm gonna say for now about that.
So my birthday's almost over with not much fanfare. My family wished me a happy birthday and my grandma, even though she never needs to, got me a few presents which of course always makes me smile. Thanks to a couple of you for your special bday wishes to me. So while it not being my worst bday ever...(nothing's topped the one year as a kid when i truly found out what my classmates thought of me), it's still not a great one.
Here's hoping to next year.