Shooting Stars
I suspect that part of the way I manage to be so emotionally divested in life, and don't mistake this for a lack of anger and passion, just a lack of attachment, is that I throw so much of my emotion into my writing when I can corner the muse and get her to sing for me. Right now I'm working through a difficult part in Diziara's life, what ultimately amounts to her turning point that lead her to the path that landed her in starfleet and as a stone cold lunatic bitch. This character, I've been working with since high school, and as I have mentioned many times in this journal, came to realize she represents my id. My id could have manifested in any universe, in any form, but I suspect part of what lead me to having her manifest in the trek universe was that when I started working with her, I didn't feel secure enough in my writing skills to work outside of a universe that had not been established before I started to play there.
Those of you who play in the game with me where I'm currently running Dizi, or those of you who keep a spare eye on it when you can, I am not talking about the current plot line we're working through... that's fluff, it's giving us excuses to abuse the Andorian Bastard of a chief tactical officer, a way to pull in a new character that's not native to the 24th century, and a chance for Diziara to justify her 20th Century Earth History minor from the Academy. I have a whole folder on my computer with a collection of vignettes of history for Diziara, most of it isn't likely to be seen by much of anyone else other than me, as some of the scenes are ones that I was either hashing out before making a post to a game, or before writing an entry in her journal, and others represent views of events in her life that she doesn't even remember herself, but none the less impact the rest of her life, the rumors spoken about her, and what information may eventually surface from her subconscious.
This important bit, it's the death of the man she loved. She was about a month and a half away from marrying him, she was on cloud nine, and something that is as normal as breathing to her manages to take him away from her. From the creation of the character, Travis has always been a looming figure in her past, unrealized potential, happiness snatched away, and a snapping point for her. However, the fact that I'd never actually written out the events that took him away from her always left the pain their nebulous, intangible, and almost trivial to think about. Sure, certain aspects of her personality, certain motives behind her actions sprung forth from this point in her life, but it still felt intangible. Well, now the muse has seen fit to give me a clearer vision of this event, to allow me to attempt to capture this scene in words, and now it feels painfully real.
A part of me knows that I should not care this much about characters who amount to little more than fiction, but another part knows that it was my choice to do this to them, and it's almost like a double blow, that detail. It makes me wonder what sort of person I am that I have to torture my id with such abuse. What sort of person I am that in order for my id to represent me, I have to justify some aspect of my personality with such a tragic event, something that I have never been through myself.