Clarifications and sinning
After talking with Misty today on the phone, we determined that my last post regarding Wes was not clear so I felt I better correct any misconceptions. We are not now or ever going to put Wesley in any kind of group home. The place I am looking at is stictly a day program and he will be home in his bed every night. My struggle with it was more about the structure of it. It is not like a childs daycare or even his school experience. It is more grown-up and this is where my mind clashes with reality. I had always envisioned my life always having Wesley here with me when he completed school. That would be it, we would sit here and grow old together watching t.v. and an occasional trip to town. Now I find myself wondering what I am going to do as he moves on to this next stage. Most people have their lives planned out for at least a few years ahead, but I have never been able to do that so I am quite lost. I am trying to think how I will fill that time while he is at the center each day. A job? Volunteer work? More art classes? It is just quite overwhelming to have not thought about it for so long and now realize that I have wrapped myself totally in what I thought was a reality and accepted it as that. Now I am back to wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life. Also, the fact that he would always be here, though admottedly selfish, was a comfort. I know now that while he will be here each night, he has to be given the opportunity to have a lfe outside of his world here with me. As a parent this is always a painful reality regardless of the child.
On other news, the weight loss is going great. I have lost 36.4 pounds as of this evening. The problem I am now faced with is my clothes. I cannot for the life of me find anything to wear that doesn't look like I got dressed from a rag bag. While I am hesitant to buy a new wardrobe until I am finished with the weight loss, I am to a place where I have to do something. The problem I have is finding something that I like and fits me the way I think it should. I don't want trashy, but I would like something to show off all my hard work. Something feminine and classy. This is where the sinning part of my entry comes in. My fsith defines jealousy as a sin, so I therefore blame Misty for causing me to sin. When she posted the pictures of her latest clothes in LJ, I felt jealousy in my heart. She found what I spent two days trying to find. So yep, its her fault.( Nods adamently!) She has promised when she gets here in July to go help me buy some clothes, but by then she may be too embarrassed to be seen with me. It will serve her right for causing me to sin in the first place, right? :0). When you have been my size for the better part of your life, you wouldn't believe how you get yourself to a point where as long as everything is covered then all is well. Now I want more. I did buy me a nice set of matching pink underclothes, so even if noone else sees, I know and feel happy.
On other news, the weight loss is going great. I have lost 36.4 pounds as of this evening. The problem I am now faced with is my clothes. I cannot for the life of me find anything to wear that doesn't look like I got dressed from a rag bag. While I am hesitant to buy a new wardrobe until I am finished with the weight loss, I am to a place where I have to do something. The problem I have is finding something that I like and fits me the way I think it should. I don't want trashy, but I would like something to show off all my hard work. Something feminine and classy. This is where the sinning part of my entry comes in. My fsith defines jealousy as a sin, so I therefore blame Misty for causing me to sin. When she posted the pictures of her latest clothes in LJ, I felt jealousy in my heart. She found what I spent two days trying to find. So yep, its her fault.( Nods adamently!) She has promised when she gets here in July to go help me buy some clothes, but by then she may be too embarrassed to be seen with me. It will serve her right for causing me to sin in the first place, right? :0). When you have been my size for the better part of your life, you wouldn't believe how you get yourself to a point where as long as everything is covered then all is well. Now I want more. I did buy me a nice set of matching pink underclothes, so even if noone else sees, I know and feel happy.