(no subject)
I little while back in these entries I began a very difficult story to tell. Not so much what actually happened in that time frame..but in finding the words to give it some justice, and to provide understanding to anyone who ever reads it. Merly I'm making this Friends only as usual..and I know what your thinking about this..which I will explain to you later, but I'm telling anyway.
"I'm confessing. Not to Jesus, he gave up the day I left home. Not to my parents. They gave up the day I graduated from high school. But to the world. At least they all still expect me to do a little dance and a jig for humors sake."
Where this leaves off in a cold sweat, on dark night with the realziation hitting you that you have been abandoned finally by everyone you ever pushed away. Alone. I had never truely felt alone until I spent a night gone cold turkey because of my life-appeasing drug addiction. Something sick..you want to know what it was? I used to hold out..wait until I was feeling almost sick and dizzy from the lack of my little powdery life-savers..until i needed them so badly or else I would rip my hair out. Just so that once I popped them back; took a nice gulp and felt them slide lovingly down my throat to gigestive bliss, it would just rush so much better.
This is the emotional. The sick enjoyment that I miss. Yes I miss it all. You know what I miss about it all the most? Having a purpose to my day. Having a reason to wake up on time, so I could take my morning social dose, I miss needing something. And I miss it bad. I thought this little writing would begin another chapter into a lucritive past I am beginning to embrace, but it isn't. When you have too much time on your hands, its dangerous. And I've already hit the 6 hour alone streak today.So The things of this story that I miss. I enjoyed being in a psych ward. It gave me peace.It humbled and belittled my faint issue and magnified how to see the big picture. It was easy. I didn't have to lie. I couldn't hide anything, couldn't wake up each day to wear a mask, because I had been stripped of every sheild of my secrets I had ever had. Before my top floor views of sunsets through shatter-proof barred windows, I could only watch the world through a small slit of observation with all the layers I had wrapped on. I guess I needed those lies to keep me warm, because people were starting to get mighty cold.
I don't mean to be "emo", but other peole like me better happy so I just vent here. Not completely. Just all the crap I want to to do but don't. Want to say but clam up instead. Merly Mesa I love you.
-tara j
"I'm confessing. Not to Jesus, he gave up the day I left home. Not to my parents. They gave up the day I graduated from high school. But to the world. At least they all still expect me to do a little dance and a jig for humors sake."
Where this leaves off in a cold sweat, on dark night with the realziation hitting you that you have been abandoned finally by everyone you ever pushed away. Alone. I had never truely felt alone until I spent a night gone cold turkey because of my life-appeasing drug addiction. Something sick..you want to know what it was? I used to hold out..wait until I was feeling almost sick and dizzy from the lack of my little powdery life-savers..until i needed them so badly or else I would rip my hair out. Just so that once I popped them back; took a nice gulp and felt them slide lovingly down my throat to gigestive bliss, it would just rush so much better.
This is the emotional. The sick enjoyment that I miss. Yes I miss it all. You know what I miss about it all the most? Having a purpose to my day. Having a reason to wake up on time, so I could take my morning social dose, I miss needing something. And I miss it bad. I thought this little writing would begin another chapter into a lucritive past I am beginning to embrace, but it isn't. When you have too much time on your hands, its dangerous. And I've already hit the 6 hour alone streak today.So The things of this story that I miss. I enjoyed being in a psych ward. It gave me peace.It humbled and belittled my faint issue and magnified how to see the big picture. It was easy. I didn't have to lie. I couldn't hide anything, couldn't wake up each day to wear a mask, because I had been stripped of every sheild of my secrets I had ever had. Before my top floor views of sunsets through shatter-proof barred windows, I could only watch the world through a small slit of observation with all the layers I had wrapped on. I guess I needed those lies to keep me warm, because people were starting to get mighty cold.
I don't mean to be "emo", but other peole like me better happy so I just vent here. Not completely. Just all the crap I want to to do but don't. Want to say but clam up instead. Merly Mesa I love you.
-tara j