Dixi's Dysfunctions
I wish there was a way I could become an adult. I have spent this weekend at home with my family and have absolutely realized that I am no closer to becoming an adult than I was at 14. I hadn't planned on coming home this 4th of July because I figured that it would be better just to stay at home and enjoy having an extra day off work. My realization that I would be alone most of the weekend including Shaun's birthday (July 3rd) and the fact that I wanted to see my best friend made my decision to come home a little easier.
I know that Shaun is not coming back and should be used to that idea by now. I am still holding on a little bit to anything that'll withstand my overanalyzation, and that put a strain on my weekend here. I tend to cause drama in my house whenever I come home. I don't know if I bring it with me or that it's always in my home, but I tend to make things a lot more dramatic when I'm here. I snap at my dad any chance I get because he's absolutely the most insensitive person I've ever known. Don't get me wrong. I love my dad, but he doesn't understand me and I highly doubt he ever will. My sister and I used to be fairly close but we hardly talk anymore. That's just the fact that she's seventeen and only wants her friends around her. I understand that. I remember that. I was seventeen eight years ago. My mom tries really hard to make everything ok. I think of all people she understands me more, but she has no patience when it comes to my love life. To her, Shaun is just another boy; whereas to me, he was my life, my first love, the only person in this world to make me feel safe, secure and happy. Most people should have met their first love by about age 16, but I didn't I didn't meet mine until I was 24. And that's just the way I do things. I have never done them the way everyone else did. That's who I am. I laugh, I cry, I think. And sometimes all in the same conversation...
But I digress. Dixi is a big baby, and I wish that just once I could be an adult. I wish that just once, I could come home and not argue or yell at anyone. I wish that just once I could be the Dixi that everyone else knows instead of the whiny 14 yr old my parents remember. I wish I didn't cry so much. I wish I could just find happiness within me and never ever need anyone else. Ellen Gilchrist said last Saturday that life offers a million chances and all you have to do is take one. If you screw that one up, there's still 999,999 left to screw up. Who's to say that it won't be the same chance all over again? She married the father of her children twice. Love is fickle and it's beautiful. And it makes you whole. I miss love. I miss being in love. I'm afraid that it'll never happen again the way that it was before. Sometimes I feel like my whole heart has been taken away. And I am so scared, just as I was at age 14, that I'll never feel that safe, happy and secure. That's the major thing in my life, the only thing that I feel like needs work. I have a decent job (for now...it'll be much better when I'm able to transfer), great friends and my family's not bad either. This is really the only thing that I can't deal with. This is what makes Dixi a big baby. My burning question and what it all comes back to: Why doesn't he want me? Even though, he's told me a thousand times that the reason he left doesn't have anything to do with me. HE needed to be alone. HE needed to take of HIS children. HE needed to get things settled. "You are the sweetest girl, and you loved me the way I needed...but I gotta take care of my kids." And would I really want to be with a man who would neglect his kids for me. I hope and pray that he'll be happy and he'll come back to me. But that's holding on...and I shouldn't do that. My friend Hunter says that "He'll be happy, but I won't if I keep worrying about him." How do I stop? How do I become an adult? How do I get back to the Dixi that I want to be? How do I just be happy? Ellen Gilchrist says that it's okay to love, but you can love without needing. You just know that they are alive, breathing, and happy. And that's enough. You'll be there when they need you, but you have be happy on your own. And that's where I've gotta be. That's where I have to go. SIGH!
I know that Shaun is not coming back and should be used to that idea by now. I am still holding on a little bit to anything that'll withstand my overanalyzation, and that put a strain on my weekend here. I tend to cause drama in my house whenever I come home. I don't know if I bring it with me or that it's always in my home, but I tend to make things a lot more dramatic when I'm here. I snap at my dad any chance I get because he's absolutely the most insensitive person I've ever known. Don't get me wrong. I love my dad, but he doesn't understand me and I highly doubt he ever will. My sister and I used to be fairly close but we hardly talk anymore. That's just the fact that she's seventeen and only wants her friends around her. I understand that. I remember that. I was seventeen eight years ago. My mom tries really hard to make everything ok. I think of all people she understands me more, but she has no patience when it comes to my love life. To her, Shaun is just another boy; whereas to me, he was my life, my first love, the only person in this world to make me feel safe, secure and happy. Most people should have met their first love by about age 16, but I didn't I didn't meet mine until I was 24. And that's just the way I do things. I have never done them the way everyone else did. That's who I am. I laugh, I cry, I think. And sometimes all in the same conversation...
But I digress. Dixi is a big baby, and I wish that just once I could be an adult. I wish that just once, I could come home and not argue or yell at anyone. I wish that just once I could be the Dixi that everyone else knows instead of the whiny 14 yr old my parents remember. I wish I didn't cry so much. I wish I could just find happiness within me and never ever need anyone else. Ellen Gilchrist said last Saturday that life offers a million chances and all you have to do is take one. If you screw that one up, there's still 999,999 left to screw up. Who's to say that it won't be the same chance all over again? She married the father of her children twice. Love is fickle and it's beautiful. And it makes you whole. I miss love. I miss being in love. I'm afraid that it'll never happen again the way that it was before. Sometimes I feel like my whole heart has been taken away. And I am so scared, just as I was at age 14, that I'll never feel that safe, happy and secure. That's the major thing in my life, the only thing that I feel like needs work. I have a decent job (for now...it'll be much better when I'm able to transfer), great friends and my family's not bad either. This is really the only thing that I can't deal with. This is what makes Dixi a big baby. My burning question and what it all comes back to: Why doesn't he want me? Even though, he's told me a thousand times that the reason he left doesn't have anything to do with me. HE needed to be alone. HE needed to take of HIS children. HE needed to get things settled. "You are the sweetest girl, and you loved me the way I needed...but I gotta take care of my kids." And would I really want to be with a man who would neglect his kids for me. I hope and pray that he'll be happy and he'll come back to me. But that's holding on...and I shouldn't do that. My friend Hunter says that "He'll be happy, but I won't if I keep worrying about him." How do I stop? How do I become an adult? How do I get back to the Dixi that I want to be? How do I just be happy? Ellen Gilchrist says that it's okay to love, but you can love without needing. You just know that they are alive, breathing, and happy. And that's enough. You'll be there when they need you, but you have be happy on your own. And that's where I've gotta be. That's where I have to go. SIGH!