(no subject)
I don't know what's happened to my life, but I can't even process stuff anymore. If it's not about schoolwork, I can't seem to figure it out. I want us to be friends and I want to be the adult out of the two of us and be happy for you and your situation but I can't seem to wrap my head around it. It was supposed to be me. That was my life. And it would have been if things had worked out differently. You and I both know that they were supposed to work out differently, that's why we kept running into each other over the past five years. It was unfinished business. And now it's finished. Concretely. I don't know what bothers me most about you: that you're with someone else or that you're at the place that I thought I would be at this age and that you're living my life. I can't do it anymore. I can't chase you, and I won't. I can't give myself over to you only to have you act like a kid with too much pride and reject me just for the sake of getting me back for what happened when we were sixteen. I will always love you. I'm putting that out there into the universe so I can let go. I thought I had two years ago, but you kept trying to come back into my life. Things have worked out the way they were supposed to, I guess. This is the way it's supposed to be. We never could get it right.
And you. I don't understand you at all. Why would you delete me from your Facebook so that I can't see you? If you didn't care then it wouldn't hurt you to see me and what's going on in my life, and that I'm with someone else now. Maybe you're jealous because you haven't gotten to that place yet. That's your fault though. You wanted it this way. You drove us apart. Too bad. You left without any warning and without any explanation, so that I had to pick up the pieces of my life and try to make sense of it all without any inclination as to what had happened. It wasn't my fault. I know that now. I don't blame myself anymore. I don't blame you either. We didn't work. It happens. Maybe that was the only way you could have done it: was to cut me off completely. You just could have looked back to see if I was okay, or given me something to allow me to make sense of it all and move on. Christ, it's three years later and I still wonder. I've moved on. I'm happy. But I deserve to know what happened. I'll find out.
And you. I don't understand you at all. Why would you delete me from your Facebook so that I can't see you? If you didn't care then it wouldn't hurt you to see me and what's going on in my life, and that I'm with someone else now. Maybe you're jealous because you haven't gotten to that place yet. That's your fault though. You wanted it this way. You drove us apart. Too bad. You left without any warning and without any explanation, so that I had to pick up the pieces of my life and try to make sense of it all without any inclination as to what had happened. It wasn't my fault. I know that now. I don't blame myself anymore. I don't blame you either. We didn't work. It happens. Maybe that was the only way you could have done it: was to cut me off completely. You just could have looked back to see if I was okay, or given me something to allow me to make sense of it all and move on. Christ, it's three years later and I still wonder. I've moved on. I'm happy. But I deserve to know what happened. I'll find out.