If I'd Known My Fukutaichou was a Lush, I'd Never Let Her Go to Those Damn Meetings
"And you're going to buy them back with your own money," Captain Kurosaki concludes.
"WHAT?" Skippy cries. "But Captain!" This was not the plan!
The captain smirks at him. "But Captain, what? You made money selling them, didn't you?"
"I spent half of it on - on something, already." No need to give away his next trick, after all. "And Captain Mayuri will charge me more than I sold them for, you know he will!"
"Too bad. They're your subordinates; you're responsible for them. Next time sell them to someone who isn't smarter than you are."
Skippy brightens a little at that. "You mean I can sell them to the 11th?"
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I -"
"Hey, Ichigooo~!" Skippy's too startled by the tone of his vice-captain's voice to remember to be relieved she's interrupting the captain mid-yelling. He turns to see her slouched against the office door in a very un-Kuchiki way.
"What the hell is with you?" the captain asks warily.
"Nothing!" she says, and sparkles.
Skippy tries to back away, but bumps into the captain's desk after an inch or two. "Is she possessed, Captain? Do we have to kill her?" He puts a hand on his sword hilt.
"If only," Captain mutters, standing. "Rukia?"
"I would like to ask for a favor, Ichigo," she says, sliding away from the door. Her face is flushed - she's drunk, Skippy realizes. He lets go of his hilt, and grins.
"NO," the captain says, behind him.
"Ichigo! You don't even know what it is!"
"I don't want to know. And would you stop talking like that?!"
"Like what?"
"RUKIA."
"Vice-Captain!" Skippy says, crossing the office and taking her hand. "You're looking lovelier than usual today."
She takes a swing at him, of course, but he dodges and she just laughs when she misses. He's still got her hand in one of his, and he lifts it now, stroking it a little as he says, "Vice-Captain mustn't blame Skippy for admiring her! I would gladly perform whatever favor it is the captain is refusing." And he kisses her hand.
She tilts her head and gives him a calculating look that would make him nervous if he were a lesser shinigami. Kawazoe, for example.
"SKIPPY." Or the captain, of course.
"I'm doing you a favor, Captain! …What is it I'm doing?"
"YOU -"
"Defending my honor," Kuchiki says, all wide-eyed girly helplessness.
"Um, huh?" Skippy says, because… huh? He's always been under the impression that it would damage the Kuchiki honor to let a non-Kuchiki defend it.
"Madarame Ikkaku has insulted my honor." She doesn't seem to have noticed that she's switched off the creepy shoujo voice. She plants her free hand on her hip and glares at the captain as she slips back into a much more normal kind of loud indignance.
"You say that like you think I should CARE."
"You had better," she says, and Skippy suspects they've both forgotten he's there. He hates it when they do that.
"What did that kill-happy bald bastard do, Vice-Captain?" he asks, stroking her hand again to get their attention.
"Ah -"
"SKIPPY."
"Yes, Captain?" he murmurs distractedly, staring into the vice-captain's eyes.
"That's enough."
"Hmmmm?" He pauses his stroking to put a hand on her shoulder. "Madarame will be dealt with, Vice-Captain, I promise you. This outrage will not be allowed to stand."
Kuchiki gets all wobbly-eyed and puts her free hand over Skippy's. "Thank you."
"SKIPPY! NO. FLIRTING. WITH THE VICE-CAPTAIN. WHEN SHE’S DRUNK!"
"That hardly seems fair, Captain!" Skippy cries indignantly.
Kuchiki is half a moment behind him, jerking around to look at the captain as she says, "Who's flirting?!"
"Skippy's flirting, you idiot, and do NOT tell me what you mean by 'not fair,' Skippy, I don't care. Just get out of here and put it on the list."
"What! Captain!"
Rukia snickers.
"Not you too, Vice-Captain!"
"How long is that list now, Skippy-kun~?"
"I think this will be item number 69, Vice-Captain!" It's true, too. He waggles his eyebrows at her.
"Skippy."
"All right, Captain. It's no wonder there are such rumors about you two!" That doesn't get to the captain as it should; he's too used to rumors, too uncaring. He just scowls. Skippy sighs. "I'll-"
"Ichigoooooo!" That's the second time in ten minutes Skippy's been interrupted by someone shouting the captain's given name, and this time sounds even more interesting than the first. It's Madarame Ikkaku. "Get your ass out here and fight me!"
The captain groans.
Skippy grins.
"WHAT?" Skippy cries. "But Captain!" This was not the plan!
The captain smirks at him. "But Captain, what? You made money selling them, didn't you?"
"I spent half of it on - on something, already." No need to give away his next trick, after all. "And Captain Mayuri will charge me more than I sold them for, you know he will!"
"Too bad. They're your subordinates; you're responsible for them. Next time sell them to someone who isn't smarter than you are."
Skippy brightens a little at that. "You mean I can sell them to the 11th?"
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I -"
"Hey, Ichigooo~!" Skippy's too startled by the tone of his vice-captain's voice to remember to be relieved she's interrupting the captain mid-yelling. He turns to see her slouched against the office door in a very un-Kuchiki way.
"What the hell is with you?" the captain asks warily.
"Nothing!" she says, and sparkles.
Skippy tries to back away, but bumps into the captain's desk after an inch or two. "Is she possessed, Captain? Do we have to kill her?" He puts a hand on his sword hilt.
"If only," Captain mutters, standing. "Rukia?"
"I would like to ask for a favor, Ichigo," she says, sliding away from the door. Her face is flushed - she's drunk, Skippy realizes. He lets go of his hilt, and grins.
"NO," the captain says, behind him.
"Ichigo! You don't even know what it is!"
"I don't want to know. And would you stop talking like that?!"
"Like what?"
"RUKIA."
"Vice-Captain!" Skippy says, crossing the office and taking her hand. "You're looking lovelier than usual today."
She takes a swing at him, of course, but he dodges and she just laughs when she misses. He's still got her hand in one of his, and he lifts it now, stroking it a little as he says, "Vice-Captain mustn't blame Skippy for admiring her! I would gladly perform whatever favor it is the captain is refusing." And he kisses her hand.
She tilts her head and gives him a calculating look that would make him nervous if he were a lesser shinigami. Kawazoe, for example.
"SKIPPY." Or the captain, of course.
"I'm doing you a favor, Captain! …What is it I'm doing?"
"YOU -"
"Defending my honor," Kuchiki says, all wide-eyed girly helplessness.
"Um, huh?" Skippy says, because… huh? He's always been under the impression that it would damage the Kuchiki honor to let a non-Kuchiki defend it.
"Madarame Ikkaku has insulted my honor." She doesn't seem to have noticed that she's switched off the creepy shoujo voice. She plants her free hand on her hip and glares at the captain as she slips back into a much more normal kind of loud indignance.
"You say that like you think I should CARE."
"You had better," she says, and Skippy suspects they've both forgotten he's there. He hates it when they do that.
"What did that kill-happy bald bastard do, Vice-Captain?" he asks, stroking her hand again to get their attention.
"Ah -"
"SKIPPY."
"Yes, Captain?" he murmurs distractedly, staring into the vice-captain's eyes.
"That's enough."
"Hmmmm?" He pauses his stroking to put a hand on her shoulder. "Madarame will be dealt with, Vice-Captain, I promise you. This outrage will not be allowed to stand."
Kuchiki gets all wobbly-eyed and puts her free hand over Skippy's. "Thank you."
"SKIPPY! NO. FLIRTING. WITH THE VICE-CAPTAIN. WHEN SHE’S DRUNK!"
"That hardly seems fair, Captain!" Skippy cries indignantly.
Kuchiki is half a moment behind him, jerking around to look at the captain as she says, "Who's flirting?!"
"Skippy's flirting, you idiot, and do NOT tell me what you mean by 'not fair,' Skippy, I don't care. Just get out of here and put it on the list."
"What! Captain!"
Rukia snickers.
"Not you too, Vice-Captain!"
"How long is that list now, Skippy-kun~?"
"I think this will be item number 69, Vice-Captain!" It's true, too. He waggles his eyebrows at her.
"Skippy."
"All right, Captain. It's no wonder there are such rumors about you two!" That doesn't get to the captain as it should; he's too used to rumors, too uncaring. He just scowls. Skippy sighs. "I'll-"
"Ichigoooooo!" That's the second time in ten minutes Skippy's been interrupted by someone shouting the captain's given name, and this time sounds even more interesting than the first. It's Madarame Ikkaku. "Get your ass out here and fight me!"
The captain groans.
Skippy grins.