(no subject)
wow. so its been fucking forever since ive written in this thing - honestly, i'm surprised i remembered my password. and i know no one is really going to read this...but i just need a release.
i don't know how to get over what bobby did to me. i wonder if the restraining order is the right thing to do...i have court on wednesday and it means ill legally never be able to talk to him again - and all i want to do is call and tell him that i love him and always will - and that i wish he wasn't so fucking psycho nuts. that i'm sorry for doing what i have to do. because i wanted things to be different. i really did. reading over my old entries broke me heart - i gave him the world. and he shit on me. and broke my nose. fucking bastard. story of my life...thats for sure. i wish things were different.
why do things never work out right for me?
like with ryan. sure i'm not ready for a relationship and neither is he but god damn if he isn't one of the most incredible men i've ever met. and i know he just doesnt want to hurt me...beczuse he knows he's "fucked up in the head"...and i know that he truly does care about me - but how does that work?! how does someone who thinks your beautiful and smart and sweet - someone who swears they would go to jail over you - and who looks at you the way he looks at me - not be willing to try and give it a go? not even in a relationship - even though according to him we've been in one (regardless of how much i argue we havent been)--but simply as the way weve been. friends...best friends...who happen to cuddle and fuck. why the fuck is he so worried about hurting me?! why cant he just have his head right - and not be going running away from something that honestly is pretty rare...*sigh*
i wish things were different.
but they arent. they never are. things are what they are - and i know this. but it doesnt mean i like it. and it definetly doesnt mean that it makes life any easier.
you would think by now i'd be good at being hurt. either that or living in a fucking convent 100 miles from any man who hasnt declared celibacy for life.
i miss ryan. i miss bobby. how does this shit work?! how do you miss a man who crushed your world...not to mention beat the shit out of you...plus the man who you thought might help to rebuild it? the one who was helping - who you stupidly began to care for and trust...and depend on.
why is my life always such a mess....
and can i just say...how the FUCK does ryan expect me to be his friend?! especially when all i want to do is hold on to him and go to sleep...it doesnt work that way. not after we got so close so fast. but yet i don't want him out of my life - i'd miss him way too much. and i honestly know he doesnt want to hurt me - its not his fault i fell. its mine.
god...you better have a plan for me. one of my friends told me the other day her grandmother used to always tell her that the people with the most hardships in their lives were the ones god loved the most - because struggles make you strong. a lil cooky...but true i hope.
after everything i still havent lost my hope. and i havent lost who i am as a person. i guess thats what matters most. i'll just keep giving and giving...one day someone has to be smart enough to give back. i hope.
i don't know how to get over what bobby did to me. i wonder if the restraining order is the right thing to do...i have court on wednesday and it means ill legally never be able to talk to him again - and all i want to do is call and tell him that i love him and always will - and that i wish he wasn't so fucking psycho nuts. that i'm sorry for doing what i have to do. because i wanted things to be different. i really did. reading over my old entries broke me heart - i gave him the world. and he shit on me. and broke my nose. fucking bastard. story of my life...thats for sure. i wish things were different.
why do things never work out right for me?
like with ryan. sure i'm not ready for a relationship and neither is he but god damn if he isn't one of the most incredible men i've ever met. and i know he just doesnt want to hurt me...beczuse he knows he's "fucked up in the head"...and i know that he truly does care about me - but how does that work?! how does someone who thinks your beautiful and smart and sweet - someone who swears they would go to jail over you - and who looks at you the way he looks at me - not be willing to try and give it a go? not even in a relationship - even though according to him we've been in one (regardless of how much i argue we havent been)--but simply as the way weve been. friends...best friends...who happen to cuddle and fuck. why the fuck is he so worried about hurting me?! why cant he just have his head right - and not be going running away from something that honestly is pretty rare...*sigh*
i wish things were different.
but they arent. they never are. things are what they are - and i know this. but it doesnt mean i like it. and it definetly doesnt mean that it makes life any easier.
you would think by now i'd be good at being hurt. either that or living in a fucking convent 100 miles from any man who hasnt declared celibacy for life.
i miss ryan. i miss bobby. how does this shit work?! how do you miss a man who crushed your world...not to mention beat the shit out of you...plus the man who you thought might help to rebuild it? the one who was helping - who you stupidly began to care for and trust...and depend on.
why is my life always such a mess....
and can i just say...how the FUCK does ryan expect me to be his friend?! especially when all i want to do is hold on to him and go to sleep...it doesnt work that way. not after we got so close so fast. but yet i don't want him out of my life - i'd miss him way too much. and i honestly know he doesnt want to hurt me - its not his fault i fell. its mine.
god...you better have a plan for me. one of my friends told me the other day her grandmother used to always tell her that the people with the most hardships in their lives were the ones god loved the most - because struggles make you strong. a lil cooky...but true i hope.
after everything i still havent lost my hope. and i havent lost who i am as a person. i guess thats what matters most. i'll just keep giving and giving...one day someone has to be smart enough to give back. i hope.