I got something to say

[divingdrunk]

That title is a foreboding load of bullshit, it's just the first line of Last Caress, which happened to come on while I started this. Odd note on that subject, being Last Caress, I have an acoustic guitar and play LC every now and then with a capo and gentle vocals which isn't the most Misfits version, but still fun nonetheless. I haven't been on here in a long long time. I've had shit to write about, but no motivation to write it down, mainly because I've been concentrating on trying to get the fuck out of college again. Jesus, when I think of all the time and money I've wasted on college. But, it's getting close to over. I hope. I've had a bunch of shit happen to me over the past I don't know 6 months or so. Even year or so. If I think back to about a year ago I know that I was fighting to get back into college and trying to figure out how long it would take me. I sent in an application and was writing on some of my stories with some success. I wasn't particularly happy about anything I was doing, but I wasn't doing much. I'm still not doing much. Second session of Summer School with two classes and nothing much on the horizon. I've got this great girl who loves me, but the long distance is wearing on me. The only thing that gets me through the shittyness of Boone is that in less than a month I'll be back in VA with her. I hope. It seems that it might not be that at all. New news that I found out a few hours ago. She might be heading back to Tucson, AZ to clear her head and get some emotional shit figured out. That's what she says, I hope that doesn't mean something more than that. I hope it doesn't mean that this is going to end, but anything's possible. If she decides it is time for her to move on without me, then it's up to her. I don't want that to happen, but it could happen. And that would suck, because this is the happiest I've been in...I don't know how long. A long, long fucking time. I want these classes and college to be over, but what will I do once I'm out? Back to Denny's? To be a trained server? A manager? I don't know. I'd rather get the fuck up and out, but cash it proving to be a problem on that front. I'd like to just pick up and move out to AZ, but I don't think that would help what she needs to get away from. I don't know what exactly she needs to get away from, but if it's me then it wouldn't help her for me to go with her. Her mom and her brothers are there, maybe she just needs some family other than me right now. Which sucks, because she's the only family I want right now. Which is kind of odd because my folks and I are seeming to get along quite well now. My sister and I are a total different story, but that's nothing new. When my Grandmother (Mom's mom) died back in May, my sister and I really weren't on best terms and that hasn't changed. We correspond through Mom and Dad, but that's the way it's been since...a long time. Not directly speaking, but being told what we are up to if we care or not by Mom or Dad on the phone. For me mostly Mom telling me what she's doing. How she's going through a tough time with her marriage and maybe moving back to Salem when her lease ends. Which would mean I would want to get the fuck out of my house even sooner than I thought. We just don't get along and we haven't in forever. We share no common interests and have nothing to talk about so we don't. And when we do, it's deeply sarcastic and snide and passive aggressive. But, fuck it. That's the way it's been for a while. I'm used to that. It's kind of odd that while she's been going through all this possible divorce and shit, I've been in a happy relationship and generally happy. Not directly because of her failure, but it is nice to be reminded that she's not perfect like I always was told she was. I look toward the future with an uncertainty that I haven't had in a while. Even when I dropped out I had a "plan" of sorts. I had some sort of opportunity. I have a constant once I get back to Salem at Denny's, but is that the sort of constant I want. The only constant I want is her. And that could be slipping through my fingers while I'm away. This could be the second time that college has ruined a relationship of mine. But even when I say that and want to believe that it would be college's fault, it would inevitably be my own fault. How I would love to blame any of my failures on Appalachian State. No matter how much bullshit this college has put me through, it's been my choice ultimately. Even though I couldn't transfer any of my credits because of my academic probation when I left, and how I wasn't informed about the 3 year changing to a 2 year absence change. That was up to me. I should have looked into it, if I was interested. I look back and try to wonder, after a year, why the fuck I chose to come back? Was it because I was sick of what I was doing? I wanted to get my diploma? I just wanted to do something else and it was now available? If I had succeeded in Charlotte, would I have chosen to come back? A lot of ifs to look at. Even more than I'm putting down. But, that's the way it is in life, if I've learned one thing in my 25 years, life is full of ifs. But, it's not the ifs you don't choose, it's the ifs you do choose. All decisions are ifs. If she leaves, I'll miss her, but that doesn't mean our relationship is over. If our relationship does end it doesn't mean it wasn't good for the time we had. If we stay together it doesn't mean we always will (proved by my sister's marriage). If I get out of college with a degree it doesn't mean that I will have a job. If I go back to Denny's...and so forth and so forth. All I know right now is that I'm happy, happier than I was the first time I was in college. I love her. I know that.

This is what happens when my mind runs free and I don't sleep and drink quite a bit of coffee and smoke a bunch of hand rolled cigarettes.

Educational Psych starts at 8:00 a.m. and then History of the English Language is at 10:20 a.m. I'll try and catch Cookie between breaks and see if he'll be free to talk to me. Today is going to be tough on my mind, I know that. I thought I would hear from her by now, I talked to her at Denny's around 5 a.m. and she said she'd call me back, but she hasn't yet. I know she's having a hard time, but I don't think it's because of me. That could be me trying to put a spin on it so I can deal with it, but I don't see it. We've been happy. We are happy. Or am I just happy and she's suffering in silence? Like I said, it will be a tough day on my brain today.