A Conversation.
(Just FYI, this takes up where their conversation *in comments on Joan's post below* ends)
I'm never going to understand what happened around the Crystal Ball am I?
Joan bit her lip, "Luke...I..."
"What? Joan...is there something you want to tell me?"
She sighed. She wanted to tell him and badly...But could she burden him like that? Because God was right, this was something major to take in and carry...She swallowed, "Promise me something?"
"Anything, sis."
"You have to promise me...You won't ever tell anybody about this. Not Grace and *especially* not mom and dad..." she looked at him seriously, "And you have to promise...that you won't...laugh at me..." She was clasping her hands together so tightly now, to keep from shaking.
Glances down at her hands and sees that she's serious. "Okay. What's going on?"
Joan closed her eyes, conjuring up the first time she'd seen God, the time on the bus, "You remember, a couple months after we moved her...and I asked you...if you believed in God?" she took a deep breath, "Do you still believe in God?"
Blinks slightly. "Um...yeah. I think I do. I believe there's someone...something, watching over us."
She nodded a little, "Something...that...can maybe be seen?"
Luke looked at her quizzically. "What are you getting at?"
Joan took one last deep breath and closed her eyes, "Just...answer the question...please?" her voice was soft. She needed to know.
Luke sighed. "I guess so. It's possible."
She nodded, "And...what if...somone...said they had seen...God?" she asked, not looking at him, afraid to look at him.
Luke looked away, thinking of what she was saying. "Well...I'd have to hear the facts...proof, that they aren't just making this up."
Joan shook her head, "No proof. There is no proof. Not...like you're talking about...I mean, there are the ripples but...Most of the time...no one notices...or if they do...it's just...luck...Like...I throw a party...and Toni comes because of the noise...and doesn't die in an explosion at the meth house she was watching..."
Luke looks at her confused. "The party a year ago? Explosion? What?"
Joan looked at him, "You don't remember, someone had turned the news on when she and Detective Carlisle were helping clean up and get people out? And there was breaking news that...a meth house the cops had been watching went up in a mushroom cloud? Dad came home the next day and was...really worried about Toni...Couldn't understand why she'd left, especially for a noise complaint...."
Luke nods, realization hitting him. "I remember that. I didn't even think about that. Wow. She was pretty lucky."
Joan shook her head, "No...she wasn't lucky, Luke...I...I couldn't figure it out...I mean, I knew I'd get in trouble so...why was I supposed to...Only, after that happened...I knew why. I knew why I'd had to do it...Just like I knew with Ramsey...Only, nobody ever even had a chance to figure that one out because...there was no way anyone could have known..."
Luke blinked slightly and took Joan's hand to show he was there. "What Joan? Couldn't have known what?"
"That people would've died..." she whispered.
Luke's jaw dropped. "What? Wha...where? When?"
Joan glanced at him, then let her gaze fall, smiling a bit as she remembered, "It would've been that Monday...If I hadn't...only I did...I thought I'd...failed...Because he'd gone to jail and been expelled...I thought...but it was more than just Steve I was affecting...It was more than just...me seeing his light..."
Luke looked down, realizing how close he and his friends, his mother and sister, nearly came close to death. "How did you deal with that type of knowledge?"
Joan shook her head, "I've gotten used to it...I mean...Luke...what I've seen...and..." she paused, "It's beautiful...It's perfect..."
"What have you seen?"
"God," she was smiling a bit and she glanced at him, but wasn't *seeing* him.
Breathes deeply. "So you're saying...you see God? Talk to Him?"
Joan nodded, "I'm sorta...His instrument...That's what He said anyway...He's why I got a job and-and took AP Chem and played chess...tried out for cheerleading, debate, why I took Ramsey to the dance or played piano...why I-I took you driving that night we found dad..."
Luke looks at her. "So...if we hadn't found him..." flinches slightly, not wanting to finish his thought.
Joan swallowed hard, "I-I'm not sure...but...I think so...If we hadn't been there...it would've taken dad a long time to get somewhere someone would find him or-or a place he could use a phone to call from help and...He was hurt..." She hated thinking of that possibility, "It's never been bad when I've listened...I mean, sometimes I screw them up, like when I smashed Adam's sculpture but..."
Bites his lip a bit. "Have you ever done anything for me? Grace...oh, is that why you were so bent on her having her Bat Mitzvah?"
Joan nodded, "Yeah...w-well...remember...Remember the kite? God said..."Remember the present..." It took me a while to figure it out...He's big into metaphors and being vague...Except that one time...But, well, it made no sense so..."
"Uh huh..."
She sighed, "It was at Rocky's funeral...I-I'd kinda wandered into the church at the cemetary and...He was there...and I said I didn't understand...stuff...Like, I-I knew I was supposed to be...doing something for Adam, but...I couldn't figure out what...And I asked for a hint and He said that He was all about hints, that they're everywhere...So...I was really stupid and...asked for a peek at the big picture...I mean, I didn't actually think He'd *do* it...He doesn't do favors or requests...But He did...It was..." she shook her head, the experience washing over her again and she sighed.
"I'm guessing it was intense."
"Understatement...It was like...Static in a TV...Living that. I mean...it was...seeing things, but not just that...I heard things and-and tasted things and smelled things and felt things...I mean...it felt like drowning in...living static...And I finally focused on one thing...Just one thing...someone, a-a woman...screaming...and then...I woke up to mom asking if I'd passed out...It was...sensory overload."
"Yeah. This is all...crazy yet, I believe you. I just want to know...why? Why is it if you can fix things for so many people, others still have to deal with..." Luke sighed and put a hand on his forehead
Joan smiled wryly, "Why is a question He never answers...It just...doesn't work that way...I don't know...He says faith is good for us...And...some of the things have been...really good for people...Like dad...Kevin...Grace, Adam...Sure...I help other people too but...And I don't fix things. Not really...I'm just sorta...I'm a catalyst. I start things...Or, help to start them anyway...But...He told me once that...it hurts because we feel. And that it's part of the recipe...That being connected is and being alone is Hell...And I can't fix everything...because that's not how it works...He doesn't interfere, even when we want Him too...Because of free will. He made the rules and it...sets a bad example and causes confusion if He breaks them...so...He comes to me...an instrument "bound by the limits of time and space, perfect"..." she shook her head a little with a tiny roll of her eyes at that.
Shakes his head and sighs. "It all seems so complicated. Does He come as one person? What does He look like?"
Joan laughed, "Complicated doesn't even begin to describe it, kid...and I'd probably die of shock if He decided to show up as just one person...You've seen Him too, you know."
Luke smirked. "Oh really? Where?
Joan looked at him, "The liquor store...Probably other places too and I just haven't realized it...I've seen Him everywhere...Like, really...The bus, school...work...He's even come here a couple times...Mailwoman, pizza delivery guy and plumber."
"Wow. No wonder you got frustrated almost everytime we went somewhere."
Joan chuckled humorlessly, "Yeah. Well, the worst is thinking someone is Him, when really? They're not. That's all kinds of awkward..."
Luke chuckles. "I bet it is. I think I need to sleep on this. This...is a lot to absorb."
Joan nodded, not really looking at him, "I...I'm sorry..."
"Wha...what are you sorry for?" Luke asked. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I'm a burden. I...made you take some of it...Because it is. This is...a lot...and I'm sorry..." she hugged him, "Go to sleep...if you can...I mean...if you're not going all crazy trying to figure this out..." She looked at him, "And Luke? Thanks..."
"Joan, it's okay. You're not a burden and...if you need help, I'm here. I'll try to get some sleep." He smiled. "And your welcome. Thanks for confiding in me. Now I know you're really not crazy." smirks
She rolled her eyes, smiling a bit, "Maybe a little...but not like that...And at least I'm not a geek..." she retorted, "Go to sleep...before you end up like me from trying to figure it out. There will be plenty of time for that tomorrow and, well, forever...Night, Luke..."
"Yeah...night Joan. Sleep well." gets up to head to bed.
Joan watched her little brother go with a smile. He'd be okay. And she wasn't as alone anymore. It was a wonderful feeling.
I'm never going to understand what happened around the Crystal Ball am I?
Joan bit her lip, "Luke...I..."
"What? Joan...is there something you want to tell me?"
She sighed. She wanted to tell him and badly...But could she burden him like that? Because God was right, this was something major to take in and carry...She swallowed, "Promise me something?"
"Anything, sis."
"You have to promise me...You won't ever tell anybody about this. Not Grace and *especially* not mom and dad..." she looked at him seriously, "And you have to promise...that you won't...laugh at me..." She was clasping her hands together so tightly now, to keep from shaking.
Glances down at her hands and sees that she's serious. "Okay. What's going on?"
Joan closed her eyes, conjuring up the first time she'd seen God, the time on the bus, "You remember, a couple months after we moved her...and I asked you...if you believed in God?" she took a deep breath, "Do you still believe in God?"
Blinks slightly. "Um...yeah. I think I do. I believe there's someone...something, watching over us."
She nodded a little, "Something...that...can maybe be seen?"
Luke looked at her quizzically. "What are you getting at?"
Joan took one last deep breath and closed her eyes, "Just...answer the question...please?" her voice was soft. She needed to know.
Luke sighed. "I guess so. It's possible."
She nodded, "And...what if...somone...said they had seen...God?" she asked, not looking at him, afraid to look at him.
Luke looked away, thinking of what she was saying. "Well...I'd have to hear the facts...proof, that they aren't just making this up."
Joan shook her head, "No proof. There is no proof. Not...like you're talking about...I mean, there are the ripples but...Most of the time...no one notices...or if they do...it's just...luck...Like...I throw a party...and Toni comes because of the noise...and doesn't die in an explosion at the meth house she was watching..."
Luke looks at her confused. "The party a year ago? Explosion? What?"
Joan looked at him, "You don't remember, someone had turned the news on when she and Detective Carlisle were helping clean up and get people out? And there was breaking news that...a meth house the cops had been watching went up in a mushroom cloud? Dad came home the next day and was...really worried about Toni...Couldn't understand why she'd left, especially for a noise complaint...."
Luke nods, realization hitting him. "I remember that. I didn't even think about that. Wow. She was pretty lucky."
Joan shook her head, "No...she wasn't lucky, Luke...I...I couldn't figure it out...I mean, I knew I'd get in trouble so...why was I supposed to...Only, after that happened...I knew why. I knew why I'd had to do it...Just like I knew with Ramsey...Only, nobody ever even had a chance to figure that one out because...there was no way anyone could have known..."
Luke blinked slightly and took Joan's hand to show he was there. "What Joan? Couldn't have known what?"
"That people would've died..." she whispered.
Luke's jaw dropped. "What? Wha...where? When?"
Joan glanced at him, then let her gaze fall, smiling a bit as she remembered, "It would've been that Monday...If I hadn't...only I did...I thought I'd...failed...Because he'd gone to jail and been expelled...I thought...but it was more than just Steve I was affecting...It was more than just...me seeing his light..."
Luke looked down, realizing how close he and his friends, his mother and sister, nearly came close to death. "How did you deal with that type of knowledge?"
Joan shook her head, "I've gotten used to it...I mean...Luke...what I've seen...and..." she paused, "It's beautiful...It's perfect..."
"What have you seen?"
"God," she was smiling a bit and she glanced at him, but wasn't *seeing* him.
Breathes deeply. "So you're saying...you see God? Talk to Him?"
Joan nodded, "I'm sorta...His instrument...That's what He said anyway...He's why I got a job and-and took AP Chem and played chess...tried out for cheerleading, debate, why I took Ramsey to the dance or played piano...why I-I took you driving that night we found dad..."
Luke looks at her. "So...if we hadn't found him..." flinches slightly, not wanting to finish his thought.
Joan swallowed hard, "I-I'm not sure...but...I think so...If we hadn't been there...it would've taken dad a long time to get somewhere someone would find him or-or a place he could use a phone to call from help and...He was hurt..." She hated thinking of that possibility, "It's never been bad when I've listened...I mean, sometimes I screw them up, like when I smashed Adam's sculpture but..."
Bites his lip a bit. "Have you ever done anything for me? Grace...oh, is that why you were so bent on her having her Bat Mitzvah?"
Joan nodded, "Yeah...w-well...remember...Remember the kite? God said..."Remember the present..." It took me a while to figure it out...He's big into metaphors and being vague...Except that one time...But, well, it made no sense so..."
"Uh huh..."
She sighed, "It was at Rocky's funeral...I-I'd kinda wandered into the church at the cemetary and...He was there...and I said I didn't understand...stuff...Like, I-I knew I was supposed to be...doing something for Adam, but...I couldn't figure out what...And I asked for a hint and He said that He was all about hints, that they're everywhere...So...I was really stupid and...asked for a peek at the big picture...I mean, I didn't actually think He'd *do* it...He doesn't do favors or requests...But He did...It was..." she shook her head, the experience washing over her again and she sighed.
"I'm guessing it was intense."
"Understatement...It was like...Static in a TV...Living that. I mean...it was...seeing things, but not just that...I heard things and-and tasted things and smelled things and felt things...I mean...it felt like drowning in...living static...And I finally focused on one thing...Just one thing...someone, a-a woman...screaming...and then...I woke up to mom asking if I'd passed out...It was...sensory overload."
"Yeah. This is all...crazy yet, I believe you. I just want to know...why? Why is it if you can fix things for so many people, others still have to deal with..." Luke sighed and put a hand on his forehead
Joan smiled wryly, "Why is a question He never answers...It just...doesn't work that way...I don't know...He says faith is good for us...And...some of the things have been...really good for people...Like dad...Kevin...Grace, Adam...Sure...I help other people too but...And I don't fix things. Not really...I'm just sorta...I'm a catalyst. I start things...Or, help to start them anyway...But...He told me once that...it hurts because we feel. And that it's part of the recipe...That being connected is and being alone is Hell...And I can't fix everything...because that's not how it works...He doesn't interfere, even when we want Him too...Because of free will. He made the rules and it...sets a bad example and causes confusion if He breaks them...so...He comes to me...an instrument "bound by the limits of time and space, perfect"..." she shook her head a little with a tiny roll of her eyes at that.
Shakes his head and sighs. "It all seems so complicated. Does He come as one person? What does He look like?"
Joan laughed, "Complicated doesn't even begin to describe it, kid...and I'd probably die of shock if He decided to show up as just one person...You've seen Him too, you know."
Luke smirked. "Oh really? Where?
Joan looked at him, "The liquor store...Probably other places too and I just haven't realized it...I've seen Him everywhere...Like, really...The bus, school...work...He's even come here a couple times...Mailwoman, pizza delivery guy and plumber."
"Wow. No wonder you got frustrated almost everytime we went somewhere."
Joan chuckled humorlessly, "Yeah. Well, the worst is thinking someone is Him, when really? They're not. That's all kinds of awkward..."
Luke chuckles. "I bet it is. I think I need to sleep on this. This...is a lot to absorb."
Joan nodded, not really looking at him, "I...I'm sorry..."
"Wha...what are you sorry for?" Luke asked. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I'm a burden. I...made you take some of it...Because it is. This is...a lot...and I'm sorry..." she hugged him, "Go to sleep...if you can...I mean...if you're not going all crazy trying to figure this out..." She looked at him, "And Luke? Thanks..."
"Joan, it's okay. You're not a burden and...if you need help, I'm here. I'll try to get some sleep." He smiled. "And your welcome. Thanks for confiding in me. Now I know you're really not crazy." smirks
She rolled her eyes, smiling a bit, "Maybe a little...but not like that...And at least I'm not a geek..." she retorted, "Go to sleep...before you end up like me from trying to figure it out. There will be plenty of time for that tomorrow and, well, forever...Night, Luke..."
"Yeah...night Joan. Sleep well." gets up to head to bed.
Joan watched her little brother go with a smile. He'd be okay. And she wasn't as alone anymore. It was a wonderful feeling.