A Conversation

Jun 21, 2006 21:40


Joan took a deep breath and knocked softly on the Montgomery's front door. She needed her best friend right now.

A moment later, Judith answered the door, wrapped up in a terrycloth robe and looking tired. "Hey. What's up?"

Joan rubbed her face, "Hey...Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, I was just...watching some lame movie on TV. Come in."

Joan stepped inside, "I just...needed...God, I don't know what I need..."

Frowning, Judith shut the door behind her.

"I'm so...tired, Jude...I just...I don't even know what I'm doing anymore..." she whispered.

She drew in a breath, knowing that feeling well. Wordlessly she hugged her.

Joan held back tears, "There's just...so much...coming at me all the time..."

Swallowing hard, she patted her back. "Come on, let's sit down."

Joan sat next to her, "I'm sorry...I-I just..."

"It's okay." Judith flipped off the TV with the remote.

Joan looked at her, "I know...I'm not always the best friend...Th-that I've got secrets and...I do things nobody gets...And it seems like I-I don't...like I'm some sort of naieve, flighty idiot or something..."

She was silent for a moment, wondering if Adam had told her about their earlier conversation.

Joan glanced at her, "What? What did I say?"

"Nothing...just wondering where all this came from."

Joan gave her a look, "Don't you lie to me, Judith...I saw that look, like-like you just...saw a ghost or something..."

She rolled her eyes a little. "It's just kinda outta left field. Who said you were naive or flighty?"

Joan gave her another look, still not buying it but letting it go, "Nobody has to say it...I see it in your faces...That 'has she finally gone crazy?' look or the one that you give to a little kid you're humoring that's just said something incredibly stupid or shows how young and innocent they are..."

"No one thinks you're crazy."

Joan looked at her, "Sometimes you do...All of you...sometimes...you do think it, just for a second...But that's not the point..."

Sighing, she folded her arms across her chest, feeling mentally and physically exhausted from the past few days. "So what is the point?"

"Who am I, Judith?" she asked softly.

Judith blinked, suddenly looking confused. "Joan Agnes Girardi..."

Joan shook her head, "No...who am I? A-am I just...crazy Joan, the flighty, naieve one? Just Adam's girlfriend he cheated on? Just-just Luke's older sister?" Just God's instrument?

Her forehead wrinkled and she rested her elbows on her knees. "I'm probably not the person to be asking."

"I just...wish you guys could understand..." she sighed, "I wish I could tell you...so you could see...I'm not what you think...I can't be naieve and know what I know. It doesn't work...To be naieve, you have to be...ignorant. Closed...behind walls or something, real ones or imaginary ones, but...There are no walls between me and..."

"Between you and....?"

"Life. Real living...God, Judith...what I've seen...What-what I've felt or experienced...I've...I just..." she shook her head a little.

Her head was starting to hurt. Deep meaningful conversations weren't normally part of her personality.

Joan sighed. Judith didn't understand. She looked at her friend, "There is...so much darkness in the world and I see that...But I've also seen more light, more goodness than most people realize even exists...And-and how it all fits together, even the bad parts end up coming out okay and it's just because we can only see one move at a time that it-it doesn't seem like anything is connected, you know? But it is...An-and I get that...Sometimes I really get that...And there are reasons why...Why it's, well, not easier, but...more accessible for me to see..."

"Okay, I'm not all that smart...but why do I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something more than what you're actually saying?"

Joan sighed, "I just...wish you guys could be open...That's the only-the only way to...live. To be who we're supposed to, to fulfill our true natures..." she looked at Judith seriously, "And it's the only way any of you will ever really know me...because, even if I want to, even if it's the only thing in the world I would ask for...I...can't give my whole self, secrets and all...to someone I know won't believe me. Someone that will humor me...And it's not just that...When you're closed, when you try to do it alone...No one is supposed to be alone. It's Hell. Real Hell...Being open isn't being naieve...It's...a leap of faith. A choice...one you have to make every day...And that's wh-what I do..." she looked across the room, not really seeing it, realizing, "It's...who I am..." she looked back at Judith, "But...I'm not the only one...I'm not supposed to be the only one that-that's open...because...I'd be alone...and no one is supposed to be alone..."

"Yeah, well you're the only good thing *in* my life," Judith replied, rising to her feet.

Joan stood up too, "I love you Judith..."

She managed a small smile. "Ditto."

Joan hugged her, "Thanks, Jude...sorry..."

"No need for apologies, JoJo." Judith hugged her back.

"Yeah...I shouldn't be dumping on you..." she sighed, "Anyway...I'll talk to you later..."

"All right." Her eyes were sad as she watched her friend head for the door.

joanith, judith, convo, joan

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