First entry: Self-help and God
My journal has no bells and whistles because I don't know html. When I see it, it might has well be algebra.
I never thought I'd use this. I only signed up for it so I could reply to other people's journals. I never could figure out how to start my LJ. So why not just start from where I am.
Rightnow in my life, a lot is going on. I am constantly trying to fix myself inside and out. I like to read self-help books but I never finish them. I'm determined to finish at least one that I've started. The books are good but last night, I unearthed feelings about my past that I put away and never thought about again.
In a sense, this is good because I'm confronting these feelings. It just makes me scared to go back to that dark place, to remember the awful things that happened to me as a child and awkward adolescent.
I also feel proud of myself. I never really sat and thought about what I've accomplished. Through the book, I found that I have four original abusers. I remembered that I've confronted three. I remember being so scared and so angry and so hurt but I did it. I got apologies out of all of them and the hardest thing that I got out of them was their voices actually admitting what they'd done to me.
The fourth abuser is someone that I know I will never speak to again because they live in a different state and I know they'd never agree to a face to face meeting. I read that I should have a conversation with this person in my mind or outloud. I know what I have to do and I think it will help immensely.
Through the book, I'm realizing that I was robbed of my childhood a total of seven major times with a lot of horrible things in between. This could make me feel like a victim but I'm learning to get through my past, to fix my insecurities and fears that spawned from that ugly time.
I'm also learning how to deal with feelings of unlove and loneliness even though I'm in a relationship. I'm learning to be a better person inside and out. I'm not generally a social person but through my reading and through my conversations with my God and the silence that helps me hear my true self, I feel a new love for mankind.
My sense of God isn't the Christian sense of God. My God doesn't have a face or body, my God is just pure love, acceptance, forgiveness, peace, and calm. I don't need my God to have a face or a sex or a set religion. As long as I feel this hole in my soul repairing through the grace and love of my God, its all I need.
God shows me his love in small but significant ways. I get signs often and appreciate everything.
I used to think it was hokey to talk to God outloud and to pray because I was ignorant and felt it was Christian. I have nothing against Christians, as I respect all religions but I just never identified with it.
I feel good talking to God and thanking him for things and praying. I used to think praying was a sign of weakness and the inability to handle one's affairs.
When I pray, I don't ask God for miracles, I ask for him to point me in the right direction of what I need to learn and understand so that I can solve my own problem. I ask for patience and calmness in the face of adversity and confrontation.
I just feel so good rightnow, amid the constant chaos of my little life.
Thank you to anyone who may read this. I don't expect or demand anything, including comments. I just hope that someone reads my entries and maybe gets a little bit of hope out of them or maybe learns something significant.
I never thought I'd use this. I only signed up for it so I could reply to other people's journals. I never could figure out how to start my LJ. So why not just start from where I am.
Rightnow in my life, a lot is going on. I am constantly trying to fix myself inside and out. I like to read self-help books but I never finish them. I'm determined to finish at least one that I've started. The books are good but last night, I unearthed feelings about my past that I put away and never thought about again.
In a sense, this is good because I'm confronting these feelings. It just makes me scared to go back to that dark place, to remember the awful things that happened to me as a child and awkward adolescent.
I also feel proud of myself. I never really sat and thought about what I've accomplished. Through the book, I found that I have four original abusers. I remembered that I've confronted three. I remember being so scared and so angry and so hurt but I did it. I got apologies out of all of them and the hardest thing that I got out of them was their voices actually admitting what they'd done to me.
The fourth abuser is someone that I know I will never speak to again because they live in a different state and I know they'd never agree to a face to face meeting. I read that I should have a conversation with this person in my mind or outloud. I know what I have to do and I think it will help immensely.
Through the book, I'm realizing that I was robbed of my childhood a total of seven major times with a lot of horrible things in between. This could make me feel like a victim but I'm learning to get through my past, to fix my insecurities and fears that spawned from that ugly time.
I'm also learning how to deal with feelings of unlove and loneliness even though I'm in a relationship. I'm learning to be a better person inside and out. I'm not generally a social person but through my reading and through my conversations with my God and the silence that helps me hear my true self, I feel a new love for mankind.
My sense of God isn't the Christian sense of God. My God doesn't have a face or body, my God is just pure love, acceptance, forgiveness, peace, and calm. I don't need my God to have a face or a sex or a set religion. As long as I feel this hole in my soul repairing through the grace and love of my God, its all I need.
God shows me his love in small but significant ways. I get signs often and appreciate everything.
I used to think it was hokey to talk to God outloud and to pray because I was ignorant and felt it was Christian. I have nothing against Christians, as I respect all religions but I just never identified with it.
I feel good talking to God and thanking him for things and praying. I used to think praying was a sign of weakness and the inability to handle one's affairs.
When I pray, I don't ask God for miracles, I ask for him to point me in the right direction of what I need to learn and understand so that I can solve my own problem. I ask for patience and calmness in the face of adversity and confrontation.
I just feel so good rightnow, amid the constant chaos of my little life.
Thank you to anyone who may read this. I don't expect or demand anything, including comments. I just hope that someone reads my entries and maybe gets a little bit of hope out of them or maybe learns something significant.