(no subject)
2006 has already turned out to be the worst year.
Most of you already know what happened.
if not go to my last post.
I feel nothing.
I am numb to everything.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to do anything.
but I have to.
Its like my line in Davids Heart...
'I stare out at the stars and concentrate on breathing.. and i think if I stop doing this then I would die but I would rather die then tell what really happened..' to paraphrase a little.
but I don't want to die.
I want to live. a lot more than I have been.
lifes too short to let feelings be hidden, to tell lies, to not do something you want so badly.
and there are things.. people.. and whatnot that I want so badly.
and yet I'm still too scared to say anything.
I feel like anything I touch or see has been cursed. because thats all thats happened to me.
I think I have the worst luck in the world.
and I said it before, kind of joking, but now I wonder if its real.
CKeller526: ..., and we were scared, so we panicked
to again paraphrase what Chris said.
I'm really scared.
terrified.
and if I didn't have any of you guys, i wouldn't have anything.
My mom doesn't want me to hang out with 'those people'
well guess what. those people are the ONLY stable things in my life.
I got to see a lot of people today. A lot of people I didn't realize cared about me as much as they do.
and I love all of them.
I left school early because I remembered the day that scotty died. and I remembered how it was. and I didn't want to be there for that again.
my mom let me go out to DHS to eat lunch with Mo and Tyler.
It was the best thing.
Mo I'm sorry you had to wake up to that. but I couldn't talk to anyone but you.
but you are my best friend. and though we are perfect, and the world is fucked up. we still have eachother.
I've never in my life.. had a friend like that. a friend like you.
geez.. how corny am i?
Tyler your amazing. thank you for being there for me today, and yesterday, and last week, and whenever I needed you. and I really appreciate it.
Jason.
I'm glad that when it felt my dad and family turned there backs to me, you still treated me like a person. like a daughter. like a friend. when no one else would.
I got to see a lot of people I've missed. Danielle, Cassi, Kristina, Chris Kelllller, Ryan (even though I saw you yesterday)
I haven't written an entry this long in a long time.
and i feel like I could just keep going.. and going.. and going. like that damn energizer bunny.
but I don't know what to write about.
bathbuddytoad101: i cant change what happened so i have to deal with it
starrainbow29: yea.
starrainbow29: but I don't want to deal with it. I want to curl up in a corner and sulk for the rest of my life.
bathbuddytoad101: its just hard to realize that it could happen to them, they were perfect girls
yea they really were.
but it makes you realize.
it can happen to anyone.
and that scares me even more.
please be careful.
and before you pray for me.
pray for the O'maras and the Bila's
the girls friends
and my school.
then my family and grandpa.
his surgery went really well by the way. they got all the cancer.
I think I'll stop writing now. maybe I'll write more later.
Most of you already know what happened.
if not go to my last post.
I feel nothing.
I am numb to everything.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to do anything.
but I have to.
Its like my line in Davids Heart...
'I stare out at the stars and concentrate on breathing.. and i think if I stop doing this then I would die but I would rather die then tell what really happened..' to paraphrase a little.
but I don't want to die.
I want to live. a lot more than I have been.
lifes too short to let feelings be hidden, to tell lies, to not do something you want so badly.
and there are things.. people.. and whatnot that I want so badly.
and yet I'm still too scared to say anything.
I feel like anything I touch or see has been cursed. because thats all thats happened to me.
I think I have the worst luck in the world.
and I said it before, kind of joking, but now I wonder if its real.
CKeller526: ..., and we were scared, so we panicked
to again paraphrase what Chris said.
I'm really scared.
terrified.
and if I didn't have any of you guys, i wouldn't have anything.
My mom doesn't want me to hang out with 'those people'
well guess what. those people are the ONLY stable things in my life.
I got to see a lot of people today. A lot of people I didn't realize cared about me as much as they do.
and I love all of them.
I left school early because I remembered the day that scotty died. and I remembered how it was. and I didn't want to be there for that again.
my mom let me go out to DHS to eat lunch with Mo and Tyler.
It was the best thing.
Mo I'm sorry you had to wake up to that. but I couldn't talk to anyone but you.
but you are my best friend. and though we are perfect, and the world is fucked up. we still have eachother.
I've never in my life.. had a friend like that. a friend like you.
geez.. how corny am i?
Tyler your amazing. thank you for being there for me today, and yesterday, and last week, and whenever I needed you. and I really appreciate it.
Jason.
I'm glad that when it felt my dad and family turned there backs to me, you still treated me like a person. like a daughter. like a friend. when no one else would.
I got to see a lot of people I've missed. Danielle, Cassi, Kristina, Chris Kelllller, Ryan (even though I saw you yesterday)
I haven't written an entry this long in a long time.
and i feel like I could just keep going.. and going.. and going. like that damn energizer bunny.
but I don't know what to write about.
bathbuddytoad101: i cant change what happened so i have to deal with it
starrainbow29: yea.
starrainbow29: but I don't want to deal with it. I want to curl up in a corner and sulk for the rest of my life.
bathbuddytoad101: its just hard to realize that it could happen to them, they were perfect girls
yea they really were.
but it makes you realize.
it can happen to anyone.
and that scares me even more.
please be careful.
and before you pray for me.
pray for the O'maras and the Bila's
the girls friends
and my school.
then my family and grandpa.
his surgery went really well by the way. they got all the cancer.
I think I'll stop writing now. maybe I'll write more later.