3 days
for 3 days, I've been trying to figure out someway to put this all into words. and still I haven't quite figured it out. So I guess I'll try again. Instead of exiting out full of tears I will write through them and just say it.
Tuesday April 12, 2005. was the worst day of my life.
It started off as a good day. Had a good night with my mom and I slept perfectly. I knew that going to Toronto on Friday would be great. So I had something to look forward to. I even got to school early. I heard a really weird announcement that morning, 'All teachers report to the Teachers lounge immediately, again all teachers report to the teachers lounge immediately' well I thought since thered been pink slips the week before it was about that. boy was I wrong. I went to first block it was normal I sat there disliking Mr. Gray oh so very much. and I went about the block completely normally not thinking anything about anything. I walked down the hall and it seemed a little different. something kind of weird you know? well I made it to my locker and my friend Katie turned to me and goes 'I just heard something, but I don't think I can tell you' me I was thinkin oh god, whos pregnant this week? so I said 'oh please I'm going to find out anyways just tell me.' well the response I got was not the one I expected at all. 'Someone commited suicide last night'.. a million thoughts went through my mind, but most of all I was like, geez someone is playing a sick joke. 'Oh yea? who was that' Christine comes up and goes 'Scott Starkey?' my jaw dropped. I didn't I couldn't believe it. so I walked away my mind racing. I saw a group of people who looked concerned and upset discussing something.. 'Annie is it true? did scott kill himself?' .. 'yes he did'. I almost fell over I just cried and cried. I had the worst time walking and if it wasn't for Annie I would have passed out and I wouldn't have made it to the office. when I got there through blury eyes, I saw Mrs. Schall crying. I said 'Mom, please tell me its not true' and it was true. He was gone. then I saw Roni and Timmy. Timmy saw me crying hysterically and came right up to me and just held me and I just cried and cried. I couldn't stop. I hugged Roni, and the announcement came over the P.A.
'TODAY, GOODRICH HIGH SCHOOL LOST ONE OF ITS OWN. EARLY THIS MORNING, SCOTT STARKEY TRAGICALLY TOOK HIS OWN LIFE. HIS PARENTS AND JENNA ARE DOING AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED. I KNOW THAT MANY OF YOU KNEW THIS FINE YOUNG MAN AND MAY BE FEELING THINGS THAT YOU MAY HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE. THIS TRAGEDY WAS UNEXPECTED WITH EVERYONE INVOLVED AND MAY BE VERY CONFUSING AND EMOTIONAL FOR MANY OF US.
I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT COUNSELING IS AVAILABLE FOR ANYONE AT ANYTIME TODAY, TOMORROW, AND IN THE FUTURE. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
ALSO, WE HAVE CLERGY AVAILABLE FOR THOSE WITH SPIRITUAL NEEDS.
AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOU CAN TALK WITH ANY OF OUR STAFF MEMBERS AS NEEDED.
REMEMBER THAT ALL OF YOU ARE TRULY SPECIAL, JUST AS SCOTT WAS. SO TALK WITH SOMEONE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. AND REMEMBER THIS ALSO; THAT SCOTT HAD A FAMILY THAT CARED VERY DEEPLY ABOUT HIM JUST AS WE CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU HERE AT GOODRICH HIGH SCHOOL --- AND PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TODAY.'
I couldn't believe that they wanted to tell us like that. I guess it was just the shock of it all. I guess everyone deserved to know. well we just walked into the hall very tearful. I saw Stew and I just went up to him and we held eachother crying. It seemed the tears would never end. never never never. We finally got rounded up in the career resource center. and they tried to talk about it with us. but it was so quiet. the only thing that broke the silence was the sobs. and sniffles. and people pulling out kleenex. I saw Charlie. one of my best friends for 3 years and he'd always held me when i cried and this time I held him while he cried. I knew my friend Ashley had gone to see Jenna (Scott's sister) and we then got a call from her saying what some of the note said but all I heard was 'The note said Jenna was the best thing in his life, and that people...' at that point I walked away not able to stand it anymore. I just walked up and down the halls. I found people I love a new wave a tears would come over me and I would just fall into them sobbing. Scott was my friend. I saw him everyday. hugged him talked to him, he told me everyday he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. and we'd talk and it was so great. I mean I wasn't really close but I was his friend and I loved him. truely I did. He was one of the best people I've ever knew and thats saying a lot. I'm still in shock. 2nd block, that hour and a half was the longest of my life. I couldn't go to the rest of my classes. I just got up and left and went to taco bell to get lunch at 11 o clock. I skipped every class. I spent 4th block with AJ. and that was one of the best things ever. I felt so good afterwards. well as good as I could feel at that moment
I got home that day and I needed to get out of there, I didn't want to be with my friends all I wanted was to be with Mo and Tyler. so I called Tyler and I was like come get me I need to get out of here. I told him what happened and he came with Mo to get me. I called Mo. and I cried and I think I made her cry too. I've never felt pain and heartache like this before in my life. and frankly I'm scared. more scared then people can imagine. I mean just 3 days earlier Tyler and his friends and I were discussing someone dying. And how we all knew it would eventually come. I just didn't realize that it would come so soon. and in such a way. after Tylers soccer game and some amazingly good time spent with my best friends I went home and just broke down. I cried all night. literally. no over exxageration there. the most I slept was a half hour. my mom stayed with me until i really fell asleep but I woke up shortly after she left. I kept closing my eyes seeing his face and waking up and crying. it repeated so many times. I finally fell asleep and had the worst dream imaginable. I was in college and Mo and I had made friends with this guy I don't even remember what his name was. but Mo left and I stayed with him and one night I found myself frozen and he started doing so many drugs and I couldn't stop him or say anything. then he pulled out a gun and shot himself. I woke up and was so scared I didn't sleep the rest of the night. there was like no one at school yesterday. I went for my friends and because mom refused to leave me home by myself. I couldn't concentrate and in math i thought that 10-4 was 4 and I just couldn't take it so I told my teacher that I just couldn't take the test so I slept during test time. it refreshed me somewhat. and I just went through the rest of the day with hugs (which I got really sick of) and silence. I've never heard the halls so quiet.
Tonight is the viewing. I'm scared. I'm going with some of my really good friends. but I have things to do. and I'm trying to emotionally prepare myself for this.
<3 Gazell.
p.s. I love you all.
Tuesday April 12, 2005. was the worst day of my life.
It started off as a good day. Had a good night with my mom and I slept perfectly. I knew that going to Toronto on Friday would be great. So I had something to look forward to. I even got to school early. I heard a really weird announcement that morning, 'All teachers report to the Teachers lounge immediately, again all teachers report to the teachers lounge immediately' well I thought since thered been pink slips the week before it was about that. boy was I wrong. I went to first block it was normal I sat there disliking Mr. Gray oh so very much. and I went about the block completely normally not thinking anything about anything. I walked down the hall and it seemed a little different. something kind of weird you know? well I made it to my locker and my friend Katie turned to me and goes 'I just heard something, but I don't think I can tell you' me I was thinkin oh god, whos pregnant this week? so I said 'oh please I'm going to find out anyways just tell me.' well the response I got was not the one I expected at all. 'Someone commited suicide last night'.. a million thoughts went through my mind, but most of all I was like, geez someone is playing a sick joke. 'Oh yea? who was that' Christine comes up and goes 'Scott Starkey?' my jaw dropped. I didn't I couldn't believe it. so I walked away my mind racing. I saw a group of people who looked concerned and upset discussing something.. 'Annie is it true? did scott kill himself?' .. 'yes he did'. I almost fell over I just cried and cried. I had the worst time walking and if it wasn't for Annie I would have passed out and I wouldn't have made it to the office. when I got there through blury eyes, I saw Mrs. Schall crying. I said 'Mom, please tell me its not true' and it was true. He was gone. then I saw Roni and Timmy. Timmy saw me crying hysterically and came right up to me and just held me and I just cried and cried. I couldn't stop. I hugged Roni, and the announcement came over the P.A.
'TODAY, GOODRICH HIGH SCHOOL LOST ONE OF ITS OWN. EARLY THIS MORNING, SCOTT STARKEY TRAGICALLY TOOK HIS OWN LIFE. HIS PARENTS AND JENNA ARE DOING AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED. I KNOW THAT MANY OF YOU KNEW THIS FINE YOUNG MAN AND MAY BE FEELING THINGS THAT YOU MAY HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE. THIS TRAGEDY WAS UNEXPECTED WITH EVERYONE INVOLVED AND MAY BE VERY CONFUSING AND EMOTIONAL FOR MANY OF US.
I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT COUNSELING IS AVAILABLE FOR ANYONE AT ANYTIME TODAY, TOMORROW, AND IN THE FUTURE. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
ALSO, WE HAVE CLERGY AVAILABLE FOR THOSE WITH SPIRITUAL NEEDS.
AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOU CAN TALK WITH ANY OF OUR STAFF MEMBERS AS NEEDED.
REMEMBER THAT ALL OF YOU ARE TRULY SPECIAL, JUST AS SCOTT WAS. SO TALK WITH SOMEONE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. AND REMEMBER THIS ALSO; THAT SCOTT HAD A FAMILY THAT CARED VERY DEEPLY ABOUT HIM JUST AS WE CARE ABOUT ALL OF YOU HERE AT GOODRICH HIGH SCHOOL --- AND PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TODAY.'
I couldn't believe that they wanted to tell us like that. I guess it was just the shock of it all. I guess everyone deserved to know. well we just walked into the hall very tearful. I saw Stew and I just went up to him and we held eachother crying. It seemed the tears would never end. never never never. We finally got rounded up in the career resource center. and they tried to talk about it with us. but it was so quiet. the only thing that broke the silence was the sobs. and sniffles. and people pulling out kleenex. I saw Charlie. one of my best friends for 3 years and he'd always held me when i cried and this time I held him while he cried. I knew my friend Ashley had gone to see Jenna (Scott's sister) and we then got a call from her saying what some of the note said but all I heard was 'The note said Jenna was the best thing in his life, and that people...' at that point I walked away not able to stand it anymore. I just walked up and down the halls. I found people I love a new wave a tears would come over me and I would just fall into them sobbing. Scott was my friend. I saw him everyday. hugged him talked to him, he told me everyday he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. and we'd talk and it was so great. I mean I wasn't really close but I was his friend and I loved him. truely I did. He was one of the best people I've ever knew and thats saying a lot. I'm still in shock. 2nd block, that hour and a half was the longest of my life. I couldn't go to the rest of my classes. I just got up and left and went to taco bell to get lunch at 11 o clock. I skipped every class. I spent 4th block with AJ. and that was one of the best things ever. I felt so good afterwards. well as good as I could feel at that moment
I got home that day and I needed to get out of there, I didn't want to be with my friends all I wanted was to be with Mo and Tyler. so I called Tyler and I was like come get me I need to get out of here. I told him what happened and he came with Mo to get me. I called Mo. and I cried and I think I made her cry too. I've never felt pain and heartache like this before in my life. and frankly I'm scared. more scared then people can imagine. I mean just 3 days earlier Tyler and his friends and I were discussing someone dying. And how we all knew it would eventually come. I just didn't realize that it would come so soon. and in such a way. after Tylers soccer game and some amazingly good time spent with my best friends I went home and just broke down. I cried all night. literally. no over exxageration there. the most I slept was a half hour. my mom stayed with me until i really fell asleep but I woke up shortly after she left. I kept closing my eyes seeing his face and waking up and crying. it repeated so many times. I finally fell asleep and had the worst dream imaginable. I was in college and Mo and I had made friends with this guy I don't even remember what his name was. but Mo left and I stayed with him and one night I found myself frozen and he started doing so many drugs and I couldn't stop him or say anything. then he pulled out a gun and shot himself. I woke up and was so scared I didn't sleep the rest of the night. there was like no one at school yesterday. I went for my friends and because mom refused to leave me home by myself. I couldn't concentrate and in math i thought that 10-4 was 4 and I just couldn't take it so I told my teacher that I just couldn't take the test so I slept during test time. it refreshed me somewhat. and I just went through the rest of the day with hugs (which I got really sick of) and silence. I've never heard the halls so quiet.
Tonight is the viewing. I'm scared. I'm going with some of my really good friends. but I have things to do. and I'm trying to emotionally prepare myself for this.
<3 Gazell.
p.s. I love you all.