Shyness...used to keep the world from going mad with chaos
While reading "What You Want to Do Fine," by Lorrie Moore, I came across a short paragraph that equated me to a past seemingly essential perception of meaning of life, (at least at the time, I get these epiphanies a lot and they usually recede away into the past...)
..."Uncertainty makes for shyness, and shyness, Quilty kept saying, is what keeps the world together. Or, rather, is what used to keep the world together, used to keep it from going mad with chaos. Now--now!-- was a different story..."
I recall sitting at UNH Manchester doing homework at a large table under the main staircase before class one day, trying to finish the assignment due within the hour. At the end of the staircase was the security desk for UNHM, where, if one needed to parking pass or help or whatnot, she could talk to the security. Working the desk with his back towards me was an old man, say in his late forties-- early fifties, working on a spreadsheet for something I would probably never understand. I bedraggled some facts together in a half hour to form a makeshift excuse for three hour assignment. I saved my work and looked got ready for class. I briefly looked up, at the precise moment the old man opened a video of a naked "barely eighteen" girl riding reverse cowboy on some well-hung lounge lizard.
I remember at the time I was shocked but not surprised... I assumed that, yeah, some older people look at porn and sometimes at work... that's fine. I just assumed that there was a barrier present for people who worked at school, especially older more senile ones. I assumed that when you hit a certain age, tits and ass just sort of get old... seen 'em a million times in porn, seen 'em all. Clearly this guy just wanted to get a brief glimpse of naked young girl... but for what purpose, at that moment? Especially at a college campus with girls like that everywhere? All those assumptions fell away and I realized that yeah, people are generally scumbags, (see Mr. Gagnon, Eighth grade). Even at 20, I was beginning to realize that porn, even cleavage, was special only because it was forbidden. And that all the extra baggage that comes with porn and cleavage is not worth it save for a few exceptions (on some girls, or those lonely friday nights hawhaw). But not at a college.
After a minute or so, a girl just about the age as that naked breasted beauty on the screen came up to the security and asked for directions. Casually the man opened to the spreadsheet and helped her out.
To get to the heart of the matter, I was angsty at the time, for personal reasons-- mainly tired of accepted lies and not crossing an unseen barrier of spoken word among people because it is much easier to not. I wanted to go up to that man and be like "I KNOW you watch porn here, despite someone being able to see you. I can't IMAGINE what you do when no one is around." I also wanted to blackmail this guy for money or whatever and threaten to tell someone.
But I didn't. Why? Because it was much easier. Because "shyness keeps the world from going into chaos...." At the time, I told myself, "fuck that, I am captain chaos." I wanted to tear down these lies and have truth in the world. I wanted to make people uncomfortable, to break this god damn routine that society revolves around. But I didn't.
I still believe in Captain Chaos. And I am closer to becoming him! But now!-- now! What is the story now?
..."Uncertainty makes for shyness, and shyness, Quilty kept saying, is what keeps the world together. Or, rather, is what used to keep the world together, used to keep it from going mad with chaos. Now--now!-- was a different story..."
I recall sitting at UNH Manchester doing homework at a large table under the main staircase before class one day, trying to finish the assignment due within the hour. At the end of the staircase was the security desk for UNHM, where, if one needed to parking pass or help or whatnot, she could talk to the security. Working the desk with his back towards me was an old man, say in his late forties-- early fifties, working on a spreadsheet for something I would probably never understand. I bedraggled some facts together in a half hour to form a makeshift excuse for three hour assignment. I saved my work and looked got ready for class. I briefly looked up, at the precise moment the old man opened a video of a naked "barely eighteen" girl riding reverse cowboy on some well-hung lounge lizard.
I remember at the time I was shocked but not surprised... I assumed that, yeah, some older people look at porn and sometimes at work... that's fine. I just assumed that there was a barrier present for people who worked at school, especially older more senile ones. I assumed that when you hit a certain age, tits and ass just sort of get old... seen 'em a million times in porn, seen 'em all. Clearly this guy just wanted to get a brief glimpse of naked young girl... but for what purpose, at that moment? Especially at a college campus with girls like that everywhere? All those assumptions fell away and I realized that yeah, people are generally scumbags, (see Mr. Gagnon, Eighth grade). Even at 20, I was beginning to realize that porn, even cleavage, was special only because it was forbidden. And that all the extra baggage that comes with porn and cleavage is not worth it save for a few exceptions (on some girls, or those lonely friday nights hawhaw). But not at a college.
After a minute or so, a girl just about the age as that naked breasted beauty on the screen came up to the security and asked for directions. Casually the man opened to the spreadsheet and helped her out.
To get to the heart of the matter, I was angsty at the time, for personal reasons-- mainly tired of accepted lies and not crossing an unseen barrier of spoken word among people because it is much easier to not. I wanted to go up to that man and be like "I KNOW you watch porn here, despite someone being able to see you. I can't IMAGINE what you do when no one is around." I also wanted to blackmail this guy for money or whatever and threaten to tell someone.
But I didn't. Why? Because it was much easier. Because "shyness keeps the world from going into chaos...." At the time, I told myself, "fuck that, I am captain chaos." I wanted to tear down these lies and have truth in the world. I wanted to make people uncomfortable, to break this god damn routine that society revolves around. But I didn't.
I still believe in Captain Chaos. And I am closer to becoming him! But now!-- now! What is the story now?