A Strangely Blessed Life
My very beloved feline friend, my little boy Viktor, was hit and killed by a car yesterday in Johnston City, Illinois. I found out on the phone this afternoon with Melisa, as I was walking to the bank. It felt surreal and I seemed almost entirely detached at first, partly through conscious willpower.
When I said bye to my cats this winter, I knew I might not see some or all of them again. My former home has never been a safe place for cats, vehicularly. Viktor is the first of ours we know to have died this way, but I always lived in fear of this.
I'm still not entirely registering it. I think it'd be harder if I were there with him in Illinois, and especially if I'd buried him. But I wish that specific pain had fallen on me rather than Melisa. For me, it remains a bit distant. I can fight off the repeating jabs of sadness that would otherwise threaten my emotional walls. This is a busy week, and I have to keep going.
Viktor was almost three years old. As a young kitten, he'd been very close to his vivacious, near twin brother Colby. They seemed the strongest of that litter; but Viktor was the less social of the two. When he was a few months old, he became very sick for several days. We were too poor to reasonably afford (more) vet appointments. I nursed him and attended to him very closely until he was better. It was a powerful bonding experience for me, but I was never quite sure if Viktor reciprocated. He was at least somewhat crazy, especially after Colby died in bizarre and mysterious circumstances. Viktor wouldn't go outside for a long time after that. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/17584615/?qo=130&q=by%3Aoddlylacking&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps He'd often sit by the door, in a striking semblance of longing; but he'd scurry away if it were opened. But he eventually overcame that strange fear, and became the most outdoorsy of our cats.
He also became more and more unsociable, with both humans and cats http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/18710355/?qo=115&q=by%3Aoddlylacking&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps -- but he had one of the strangest and most touching behaviors I've ever experienced. I never quite understood it, but I could count on it almost like clockwork: When I lay to sleep each day, if he were in the house, he'd shortly arrive and leap up onto my bed. He'd begin purring, mewwing and vigorously nuzzling me. He'd usually curl up by my side for several minutes, too-- and then he'd suddenly leave.
Who knows what went on in his odd little feline mind? Not much, surely, compared to most humans'; but it was always intriguing to me.
Strange as Viktor was, he seemed to lead a blessed life compared to most in this world. He got nervous easily, and he rarely seemed blissful; but he was quite often peaceful and relaxed. Kind of reminds me of my dad, suddenly, but that's another story. I imagine he was especially satisfied with his frequent outdoor adventures, which I never witnessed. (He always disappeared quickly when he went out, often through a storm drain.)
He was, like his sister Mina-- who is, to the best of my knowledge, safe in another loving home-- especially cute. My Mary is an especially beautiful cat, and quite cute too; but whatever cuteness essentially is, Viktor embodied it like a grouchy little teddy bear. I felt bad for his apparent moods, while inevitably thinking "aww" and wanting to pinch his cheeks.
In some bizarre psychological (and perhaps psychiatric) miracle, he acquired a girlfriend this year. They often sat on the porch together the last few months. I sure wish I could have seen that!
Viktor's death was apparently the fault of some neighbors who drive too quickly and don't come to a complete stop at a key stop sign. But blame and bitterness are far from my mind. His life was relatively fine. His end was quick, better than most for humans or animals.
Only two of my precious cats are left now to lose-- which is, among other things, a sad sort of relief. But I'll never see my strange beautiful boy again in waking life. I'll really miss him, whenever I let myself. For now, I don't want to think too much. I expect to process it gradually, with some outbursts of feeling-- hopefully in practical times and places. As always, I must keep finding new beauty and love, and keep going.