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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
#48: Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
#32: I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
#21: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
#31: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
#38: If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
#22: In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
#5: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
#3: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
#6: Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
#2: If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
#42: It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
#43: Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
#40: Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
#27: I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
#39: When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.