Blast from the past
One thing I can type with utter confidence is wow, how much I have grown in the past few years. Oh, and geez, how much I have stayed the same. When pondering heavy decisions, I write. The entries sound so childish and silly, but honestly have brought back memories I needed to align myself with. Im using this one, secret place I have left as a sounding board for my mind. Here goes:
When I was a little girl, I remember seeing people in love on tv. Seeing the look in their eyes and the smiles on their faces. I believed it. I decided that that connection was the only solid lesson in life and that I would search the world over for it, but instead, I settled. I would find the closest thing to feeling 'right' and I would beg borrow and plead for it to stay around.
When I was in college, I decided the only person that could take care of me is me, and that relationships were to pass the time, not to spend life with. So much negative relationships and choices came out of that decision...some that have changed my life forever.
Then, one day, after a particularly crazy breakup with a man who was never mine,, I sat in a garden of white flowers all alone. I walked through the Asian streams and sat in the shade of the large oak trees. I cried for who I was, I laughed for what I had learned and then I did something i had not done in a long time. I prayed.
I prayed to God for understanding, for peace of mind and to warm my heart. I prayed to God to leave behind my uncommitted selfish ways, and to trust that out there, someone was right for me. I sat in the gazebo, surrounded by white flowers and green grass, and I prayed for hours. Going over what I had done wrong minute by minute. Finally, once I knew nothing else to say or think, I realized what was missing. I realized that I was searching for the unobtainable in order to keep myself safe.
Most people like to read books from start to finish. I would say that is normal. I, on the other hand, like to live life backwards; always knowing the end before I begin. Sound less fun I am sure, but it is incredibly safe in relationships. For that matter, how do you go wrong, if you know it will end up wrong. No expectations, no broken heart, no unachievable goals. They tell you in AA: low expectations, high results. I don't know where I heard that, but it apparently became the theme of my life. No excuses, I knew what I was doing. I wanted to be carefree and happy and not feel in the process. Needless to say, this had gotten me nowhere very fast. Actually, it ended me under a wooden white roof, in the middle of a beautiful place, and lost...very lost.
I realized right then, that I was looking for the wrong thing. All along I was missing out on the true characteristics that I wanted and deserve.
When I was a little girl, I remember seeing people in love on tv. Seeing the look in their eyes and the smiles on their faces. I believed it. I decided that that connection was the only solid lesson in life and that I would search the world over for it, but instead, I settled. I would find the closest thing to feeling 'right' and I would beg borrow and plead for it to stay around.
When I was in college, I decided the only person that could take care of me is me, and that relationships were to pass the time, not to spend life with. So much negative relationships and choices came out of that decision...some that have changed my life forever.
Then, one day, after a particularly crazy breakup with a man who was never mine,, I sat in a garden of white flowers all alone. I walked through the Asian streams and sat in the shade of the large oak trees. I cried for who I was, I laughed for what I had learned and then I did something i had not done in a long time. I prayed.
I prayed to God for understanding, for peace of mind and to warm my heart. I prayed to God to leave behind my uncommitted selfish ways, and to trust that out there, someone was right for me. I sat in the gazebo, surrounded by white flowers and green grass, and I prayed for hours. Going over what I had done wrong minute by minute. Finally, once I knew nothing else to say or think, I realized what was missing. I realized that I was searching for the unobtainable in order to keep myself safe.
Most people like to read books from start to finish. I would say that is normal. I, on the other hand, like to live life backwards; always knowing the end before I begin. Sound less fun I am sure, but it is incredibly safe in relationships. For that matter, how do you go wrong, if you know it will end up wrong. No expectations, no broken heart, no unachievable goals. They tell you in AA: low expectations, high results. I don't know where I heard that, but it apparently became the theme of my life. No excuses, I knew what I was doing. I wanted to be carefree and happy and not feel in the process. Needless to say, this had gotten me nowhere very fast. Actually, it ended me under a wooden white roof, in the middle of a beautiful place, and lost...very lost.
I realized right then, that I was looking for the wrong thing. All along I was missing out on the true characteristics that I wanted and deserve.