(no subject)
So I went to the doctor today.. and aparently this whole hip hurting/back thing is called 'Sacroileiitis' ...
right
so basically my right pelvis has shifted somehow (it couldve been anything.. my guess is it was me trying to be a 'jogger'...) so its not in alignment with the other side of my pelvis... at least that how i understand it all.. you can look it up online if you really want to know what it is
they put me on naproxen.. for a week to 2 weeks.. i hope it helps the pain.. Im just super relieved that it isnt something to directly do with my back.. like a disc slipped or something.. thats all i need is to find out my back isnt healed like I thought.. ugh..
so yeah.. this is a set back.. I cant really work out much.. and walking isnt that much fun either at times.. the pain isnt constant.. but when its there.. it hurts.. The DR said that it should clear up within a week or so.. and if not.. then to make an appointment.. perhaps its something else..
so im on pain meds... great...
In other news.. some of you may have noticed my decline in the past few days.. some of you have experienced it first hand (Jason...anyone at Ithaca..) I had a long talk with my bff Mark LeBeau last night about whats going on.. and with me.. its not just one thing.. its everything.. so it was a looooong talk.. but i was able to get some things sorted out in my head..
1. Im here at Ithaca to become a well-informed Singer and Teacher of Singing.. That should be my primary focus.. and it hasnt been because of the other things in my life like Classes (Bibliography to be exact), Personal Life Issues (dad's estate), and re-learning Voice from the ground up.. basically those are the 3 things on my plate... Im not adding in the addition of counseling because technicaly, thats supposed to be helping.. My goal right now should be on voice.. and everything else will fall in place.. Hard to believe.. especially with a ton of Bib deadlines coming up.. but I really do need to focus on SOMETHING.. and Its going to be Voice.
2. My relationship with Jason has changed. Because of our schedules and just different lifes.. he's not able to be the friend that I need him to be right now.. and I need to recognize that thats ok. Yes.. It was a big let down when everything ended.. and I equated it as a loss equal to the loss I felt with my parents.. a bit dramatic.. yes.. but He, in my mind/heart, was a big part of me for some reason yet to figure out.. although I have some theories.. ANYWAYS.. I need to cut him some slack.. If we are the friends we say we are.. it will all work out in the end.. I never want to risk our friendship the way it has been these past few weeks. Ive honestly had moments where Ive just wanted to push him completely out of my life because it was either 'too hard' or whatever.. That is, unfortunately, my response to any loss/conflict.. I run.. and Im well aware of that. I hope he see's past all my drama and cuts me some slack as well.. time will tell.. But I never want to lose him again.. and I know that for sure.
3. Im wicked hard on myself... I've been told that since I was 12 and started taking Organ lessons with Joan Mushtare (which only lasted for 2 months.. another story.. haha).. Im a perfectionist.. obviously.. and im very controlling.. especially of my emotions. I build walls.. and keep myself in until I know its safe. HOw does that work with being a Singer... OH it so DOES NOT work.. So thats a 2 fold battle there.. keyword: Letting go
4. This is a big one.. and hard.. but Ive finally admitted it..
I've been using my past (car accident/loss of both parents) as a cruch... a reason for me not to move forward in my life.
Thats a hard one to deal with because, ofcourse, I dont want to ignore it.. and in turn 'forget' about my parents.. but I cant keep using it as a reason to not be happy.. to not open up .. to not be the person I know I am inside.. I cant use it as an excuse anymore.. This by far is the biggest thing Im trying to deal with right now.. and will ofcourse take the longest.. Its really scary.. not gonna lie!.. I hope that no one that reads this ever ever ever has to go through what I went through in a years time.. thats HUGE.. and for me to finally be dealing with it is huge too.. overwhellming in fact.. My point is with this one is that I need to acknowledge what ive gone through.. and then not push it away.. but not let it rule my day.. I know thats what were trying to do in counseling.. but its not working yet.. I at least need to not let it overshadow my job as a student/singer anymore.. its going to be tough.. but hey.. Im strong.. well.. maybe my back/pelvis isnt right now!.. but I am.. and I need to keep reminding myself of that..
Im going to keep this one public.. I know its hard to be honest with yourself.. and I hope that this will help others to start thinking a little deeper about their own life/circumstances..
xxoo
~Mel
right
so basically my right pelvis has shifted somehow (it couldve been anything.. my guess is it was me trying to be a 'jogger'...) so its not in alignment with the other side of my pelvis... at least that how i understand it all.. you can look it up online if you really want to know what it is
they put me on naproxen.. for a week to 2 weeks.. i hope it helps the pain.. Im just super relieved that it isnt something to directly do with my back.. like a disc slipped or something.. thats all i need is to find out my back isnt healed like I thought.. ugh..
so yeah.. this is a set back.. I cant really work out much.. and walking isnt that much fun either at times.. the pain isnt constant.. but when its there.. it hurts.. The DR said that it should clear up within a week or so.. and if not.. then to make an appointment.. perhaps its something else..
so im on pain meds... great...
In other news.. some of you may have noticed my decline in the past few days.. some of you have experienced it first hand (Jason...anyone at Ithaca..) I had a long talk with my bff Mark LeBeau last night about whats going on.. and with me.. its not just one thing.. its everything.. so it was a looooong talk.. but i was able to get some things sorted out in my head..
1. Im here at Ithaca to become a well-informed Singer and Teacher of Singing.. That should be my primary focus.. and it hasnt been because of the other things in my life like Classes (Bibliography to be exact), Personal Life Issues (dad's estate), and re-learning Voice from the ground up.. basically those are the 3 things on my plate... Im not adding in the addition of counseling because technicaly, thats supposed to be helping.. My goal right now should be on voice.. and everything else will fall in place.. Hard to believe.. especially with a ton of Bib deadlines coming up.. but I really do need to focus on SOMETHING.. and Its going to be Voice.
2. My relationship with Jason has changed. Because of our schedules and just different lifes.. he's not able to be the friend that I need him to be right now.. and I need to recognize that thats ok. Yes.. It was a big let down when everything ended.. and I equated it as a loss equal to the loss I felt with my parents.. a bit dramatic.. yes.. but He, in my mind/heart, was a big part of me for some reason yet to figure out.. although I have some theories.. ANYWAYS.. I need to cut him some slack.. If we are the friends we say we are.. it will all work out in the end.. I never want to risk our friendship the way it has been these past few weeks. Ive honestly had moments where Ive just wanted to push him completely out of my life because it was either 'too hard' or whatever.. That is, unfortunately, my response to any loss/conflict.. I run.. and Im well aware of that. I hope he see's past all my drama and cuts me some slack as well.. time will tell.. But I never want to lose him again.. and I know that for sure.
3. Im wicked hard on myself... I've been told that since I was 12 and started taking Organ lessons with Joan Mushtare (which only lasted for 2 months.. another story.. haha).. Im a perfectionist.. obviously.. and im very controlling.. especially of my emotions. I build walls.. and keep myself in until I know its safe. HOw does that work with being a Singer... OH it so DOES NOT work.. So thats a 2 fold battle there.. keyword: Letting go
4. This is a big one.. and hard.. but Ive finally admitted it..
I've been using my past (car accident/loss of both parents) as a cruch... a reason for me not to move forward in my life.
Thats a hard one to deal with because, ofcourse, I dont want to ignore it.. and in turn 'forget' about my parents.. but I cant keep using it as a reason to not be happy.. to not open up .. to not be the person I know I am inside.. I cant use it as an excuse anymore.. This by far is the biggest thing Im trying to deal with right now.. and will ofcourse take the longest.. Its really scary.. not gonna lie!.. I hope that no one that reads this ever ever ever has to go through what I went through in a years time.. thats HUGE.. and for me to finally be dealing with it is huge too.. overwhellming in fact.. My point is with this one is that I need to acknowledge what ive gone through.. and then not push it away.. but not let it rule my day.. I know thats what were trying to do in counseling.. but its not working yet.. I at least need to not let it overshadow my job as a student/singer anymore.. its going to be tough.. but hey.. Im strong.. well.. maybe my back/pelvis isnt right now!.. but I am.. and I need to keep reminding myself of that..
Im going to keep this one public.. I know its hard to be honest with yourself.. and I hope that this will help others to start thinking a little deeper about their own life/circumstances..
xxoo
~Mel