(no subject)
i should update because it seems like the world has managed to change in the time since i last set foot in my own home. honestly, i COULD sit here and write for hours upon hours. About Grand Central and penis cakes, wandering that incredible city at random hours, becoming a Democrat for an evening or all of the fantastic, obscene, perfect moments i had in NYC. i could, but i wont, because well, I'm in Orlando and i have to take a shower and leave soon. But I'll tell you the thing that i found most interesting. On my last day there...I cried. I mean really cried. Sobbed might be the best word to describe it. And it felt great. I scared the shit out of my roomies, but hey...it had to happen. going to NYC, visiting this incredible city, made me realize that i am so scared of everything right now. so scared that i'm pushing people away. so scared that im putting off making choices. so scared that id rather sit still than run. i'm scared of leaving my boys and my best friends. im scared of living with Nat. im scared that as much as Britt and i say that we'll visit each other, we wont. im scared that no one will ever fall in love with me. im scared that im not honestly as beautiful as i think i am. and im scared that who i am, this vounerably strong woman ive become...is about to change completely. but you know what the coolest thing is about being so scared about everything is? it means that i feel. something. anything. for so long i was stone cold. i had let dumb ass boys and sluts who dont matter trick me into thinking that this life wasnt worth feeling...just worth looking at. so im not going to stare out the window anymore, im going to go play in the falling rain outside of it. and im going to try just as hard as i can not to be so scared...and at the same time, so allow myself to be if i need it. NYC was the end of a chapter in my life. Orientation didnt start it, neither did my first college party, or graduation or senior recital. One amazing little island closed one book and opened up another. now if you'll excuse me (and the cheap cliche im about to abuse) i have a whole mess of pages to write and a whole world to see.