(no subject)
I've been sleeping for almost 2 days straight now. The only reason I'm out of bed is because my back hurts so bad I can hardly stand it. I fall asleep and dream. Dreams are always better than life. I wake up and I'm back here. I'm back at my brother's. I'm back by myself in a small basement room with nothing but what I have in my room and what is unpacked in my car. My dogs are faithfully sleeping next to me. They are a big unknown for me. What am I going to do with my dogs? My brother and his wife don't like them. They're just not "pets" people. Jo is always yelling at them to get out of any room they go in to. It's not like they're doing anything wrong.. they're just smelling things. They're dogs. That's what they do. They're social... they want to be near you. They're dogs. That's what they do. They'll love you unconditionally if you only let them. I don't know what to do with them. They deserve better. They deserve a better owner. I can't take care of them the way they should be. I can't take care of me.. let alone them. Hopefully my brother will find a good home for them.. one where they can bark and be dogs and run and play and not have to constantly be tied up. They deserve better.
I've been reading a lot about near death experiences lately. In most of the experiences, people claim they have a wonderful warm unconditional love and that they do not want to go back to their life. Nothing on this earth is wonderful enough that they want to stay. Most always they are told it's not their time and they have to go back. I've also done a lot of research about suicide and whether it's a sin. I read a wonderful essay on why the whole idea that it's wrong is clearly illogical. I agree. I can't help but feel that it would hurt people, but the loss of me out of people's lives would be a relief. If someone is suffering every day from cancer.. is it really worth it to them to continue undergoing miserable chemotherapy and radiation treatments and all that in the hopes that it might go away? I'm to that point. I live every day and have lived every day of my life with a miserable mental illness. I hate myself. This is never going to change. I have a chronic illness that makes my life and those that try to love me a constant struggle. I am tired now. I can't keep this up. What can anyone possibly say to me to make me think that there is any hope for me?
Life is hard. I know this. Everyone has a difficult time with their life. Blah blah blah. After 30 years of struggle.. 30 years of self hatred.. 30 years of loneliness.. I don't have the will to keep going. I've done my homework now and I truly believe that death is a way out. It's a peace where I have none. It's an end to all the misery I've lived with my whole life. I can't remember a single time in my life where I was completely happy. There's always the mental illness looming in the background threatening to crash it all down. Well, it did. I'm left with nothing, again, and I don't have the strength to keep going.
The other theme that I read over and over again in NDE's is that they are told "God is in control". Whoever and whatever God is.. if he is truly in control, then He knows that the life He has chosen for me is too much for me. I can't picture a life where I'll ever been truly happy. I can't picture a life in which I'll get the love I desire.. have anyone call me Mommy... have the house with the kids and my dogs. That life was never for me as much as I wanted it to be. I can't even imagine what life will be like for me a year down the road.. let alone 20 years.
The last part is the hardest. It's picking a method. I can't help but think back to my friend, Rob, who ended his life with a gun. He went out somewhere in the woods close to Payson where he grew up and shot himself. I think a ranger found him. Sorry for the poor ranger, but I don't want my family to have to find me. I wish my dogs could be there, but I keep picturing them laying down next to my dead body waiting for me to go when I'm not going to go anywhere. That makes me cry and I can't do that to them. It would be best if I just left and never came home again.
Ultimately, I think some people may cry but it will be for the best. I know my mom will have a hard time with it.. but I think my brother will be relieved. I don't think it will have any affect on my dad other than he'll be relieved. It will all be over. I'll finally be at peace. My nephew will grow up knowing that once upon a time, his Auntie Lew took care of him and loved him. He won't remember me, of course, but he'll have this aunt who once loved him and took care of him before she killed herself.
I just can't stand the pain. I can't bare the mental anguish I live with every day. Every day it's the same. Take something for the pain... whether it's alcohol, chocolate, sleep, video games, anything at all to stop the pain. When that wears off.. I'm still left with the pain. Medication is even worse with all it's side effects and the fact that the last time I tried them, they made me worse. If you're reading this and you want to tell me to get help.. my response is.. I have. I have tried. It was all temporary. It never lasted. The pain just comes back. The instability just comes back. I'm tired now. Let me have some peace...for once.
I've been reading a lot about near death experiences lately. In most of the experiences, people claim they have a wonderful warm unconditional love and that they do not want to go back to their life. Nothing on this earth is wonderful enough that they want to stay. Most always they are told it's not their time and they have to go back. I've also done a lot of research about suicide and whether it's a sin. I read a wonderful essay on why the whole idea that it's wrong is clearly illogical. I agree. I can't help but feel that it would hurt people, but the loss of me out of people's lives would be a relief. If someone is suffering every day from cancer.. is it really worth it to them to continue undergoing miserable chemotherapy and radiation treatments and all that in the hopes that it might go away? I'm to that point. I live every day and have lived every day of my life with a miserable mental illness. I hate myself. This is never going to change. I have a chronic illness that makes my life and those that try to love me a constant struggle. I am tired now. I can't keep this up. What can anyone possibly say to me to make me think that there is any hope for me?
Life is hard. I know this. Everyone has a difficult time with their life. Blah blah blah. After 30 years of struggle.. 30 years of self hatred.. 30 years of loneliness.. I don't have the will to keep going. I've done my homework now and I truly believe that death is a way out. It's a peace where I have none. It's an end to all the misery I've lived with my whole life. I can't remember a single time in my life where I was completely happy. There's always the mental illness looming in the background threatening to crash it all down. Well, it did. I'm left with nothing, again, and I don't have the strength to keep going.
The other theme that I read over and over again in NDE's is that they are told "God is in control". Whoever and whatever God is.. if he is truly in control, then He knows that the life He has chosen for me is too much for me. I can't picture a life where I'll ever been truly happy. I can't picture a life in which I'll get the love I desire.. have anyone call me Mommy... have the house with the kids and my dogs. That life was never for me as much as I wanted it to be. I can't even imagine what life will be like for me a year down the road.. let alone 20 years.
The last part is the hardest. It's picking a method. I can't help but think back to my friend, Rob, who ended his life with a gun. He went out somewhere in the woods close to Payson where he grew up and shot himself. I think a ranger found him. Sorry for the poor ranger, but I don't want my family to have to find me. I wish my dogs could be there, but I keep picturing them laying down next to my dead body waiting for me to go when I'm not going to go anywhere. That makes me cry and I can't do that to them. It would be best if I just left and never came home again.
Ultimately, I think some people may cry but it will be for the best. I know my mom will have a hard time with it.. but I think my brother will be relieved. I don't think it will have any affect on my dad other than he'll be relieved. It will all be over. I'll finally be at peace. My nephew will grow up knowing that once upon a time, his Auntie Lew took care of him and loved him. He won't remember me, of course, but he'll have this aunt who once loved him and took care of him before she killed herself.
I just can't stand the pain. I can't bare the mental anguish I live with every day. Every day it's the same. Take something for the pain... whether it's alcohol, chocolate, sleep, video games, anything at all to stop the pain. When that wears off.. I'm still left with the pain. Medication is even worse with all it's side effects and the fact that the last time I tried them, they made me worse. If you're reading this and you want to tell me to get help.. my response is.. I have. I have tried. It was all temporary. It never lasted. The pain just comes back. The instability just comes back. I'm tired now. Let me have some peace...for once.