(no subject)
Fetlife is like a facebook for kinky people. DO NOT look at it if you're not open minded...lol. Kyle and I both had accounts on there..but they do not have a way to have your profile private, like they do on facebook. I've been working up the nerve to block him for days, to prevent him from knowing what is happening in my life..and tonight, I finally did it.
And my body started to shake and I had to silence sobbing..and as my tears hit my chest..I wondered if this was worth crying over..if he was worth crying over. I wondered why he stopped loving me - what kind of person promises someone the world, someone who's been fucked over by people like him again and again - and I wondered if the fucker even thought of me anymore, if I ever fucking crossed his mind or if he's as cold as he seems to be. And yet...even as these thoughts crossed my mind, I continued to cry. You know why? Because unlike him...unlike most people who use you and throw you away? I don't stop caring. I don't stop loving. I should..if I could, I would..but I can't. My heart is exposed..
So..now.. he is blocked. I am closing my facebook. I am leaving IRC. I will be changing my phone number and closing my emails. And then.. at least I will know that his silence isn't his choice.. I will feel some measure of control, like I cut him out of my life, even if it isn't true. I will feel like it is and that's what's important. What's more important? I'm going to make it so impossible to get into touch with me that I don't ever have to worry about saying no when my heart says yes if he ever asked for me to come back (yeah, because so many men have chased me in the past, right?) because..there will be no possible way for him to get ahold of me. I am effectively severing all ties with him. And that knowledge makes me feel..the only word that comes to mind is 'empty'...utterly empty. But I need to do it...for my sanity.
I just...wish I knew the truth. I wish he was man enough to email me and say, "Dana, I lost interest in you." "Dana, I fell out of love." "Dana, I realized I wasn't really in love with you." "Dana, I cheated on you." "Dana, things got hard and I fucked bailed." Something other than blaming the breakup on my issues.. I mean, what a fucking copout is that??? Whatever..
Yes, you might be able to tell, I've reached the stage of 'anger.' Bring it on. Maybe if I come to hate him, it won't hurt.
"My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side"
And my body started to shake and I had to silence sobbing..and as my tears hit my chest..I wondered if this was worth crying over..if he was worth crying over. I wondered why he stopped loving me - what kind of person promises someone the world, someone who's been fucked over by people like him again and again - and I wondered if the fucker even thought of me anymore, if I ever fucking crossed his mind or if he's as cold as he seems to be. And yet...even as these thoughts crossed my mind, I continued to cry. You know why? Because unlike him...unlike most people who use you and throw you away? I don't stop caring. I don't stop loving. I should..if I could, I would..but I can't. My heart is exposed..
So..now.. he is blocked. I am closing my facebook. I am leaving IRC. I will be changing my phone number and closing my emails. And then.. at least I will know that his silence isn't his choice.. I will feel some measure of control, like I cut him out of my life, even if it isn't true. I will feel like it is and that's what's important. What's more important? I'm going to make it so impossible to get into touch with me that I don't ever have to worry about saying no when my heart says yes if he ever asked for me to come back (yeah, because so many men have chased me in the past, right?) because..there will be no possible way for him to get ahold of me. I am effectively severing all ties with him. And that knowledge makes me feel..the only word that comes to mind is 'empty'...utterly empty. But I need to do it...for my sanity.
I just...wish I knew the truth. I wish he was man enough to email me and say, "Dana, I lost interest in you." "Dana, I fell out of love." "Dana, I realized I wasn't really in love with you." "Dana, I cheated on you." "Dana, things got hard and I fucked bailed." Something other than blaming the breakup on my issues.. I mean, what a fucking copout is that??? Whatever..
Yes, you might be able to tell, I've reached the stage of 'anger.' Bring it on. Maybe if I come to hate him, it won't hurt.
"My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side"