Feeling down
I haven't used this thing in forever, but I needed to vent somewhere.
Here's the thing: I'm a control freak. I try not to admit this, but I love being in control. When I lose that control, I freak out. When I was little it resulted into tantrums. Okay, it still results in a tantrum, I just try to make them a little more discreet now.
I am also insecure. I second guess myself at every turn. I could go over a 2 minute conversation in my head for DAYS. I also latch onto people when they show me kindness because of my insecurity.
I want people to like me. I want EVERYONE to like me. I can't stand when people don't like me. It drives me batty.
I need to feel loved. When I'm with people, I need to feel like I'm special and loved. When I don't feel that way, I get insecure, when I do feel that way, I'm perfectly comfortable.
I watch peoples reactions. I'm good at reading people but sometimes if I'm feeling insecure I overreact to what I percieve their reaction to be.
I never ever feel comfortable when I'm with my friends. NEVER. I always second guess everything I say. I watch everyone's faces when I tell a story to see if anyone cares, if people are bored, rolling their eyes, whatever. I have never again felt like I belonged.
And it eats away at me. If I even for a second get comfortable, something crops up to make me second guess myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish someone could tell me that I belonged because I want so badly to feel safe around my friends. To be able to sit down and cry and let them know how I'm feeling. Instead I use this fake happy facade that I have perfected.
I need my friends back because I can't do this anymore.
Here's the thing: I'm a control freak. I try not to admit this, but I love being in control. When I lose that control, I freak out. When I was little it resulted into tantrums. Okay, it still results in a tantrum, I just try to make them a little more discreet now.
I am also insecure. I second guess myself at every turn. I could go over a 2 minute conversation in my head for DAYS. I also latch onto people when they show me kindness because of my insecurity.
I want people to like me. I want EVERYONE to like me. I can't stand when people don't like me. It drives me batty.
I need to feel loved. When I'm with people, I need to feel like I'm special and loved. When I don't feel that way, I get insecure, when I do feel that way, I'm perfectly comfortable.
I watch peoples reactions. I'm good at reading people but sometimes if I'm feeling insecure I overreact to what I percieve their reaction to be.
I never ever feel comfortable when I'm with my friends. NEVER. I always second guess everything I say. I watch everyone's faces when I tell a story to see if anyone cares, if people are bored, rolling their eyes, whatever. I have never again felt like I belonged.
And it eats away at me. If I even for a second get comfortable, something crops up to make me second guess myself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish someone could tell me that I belonged because I want so badly to feel safe around my friends. To be able to sit down and cry and let them know how I'm feeling. Instead I use this fake happy facade that I have perfected.
I need my friends back because I can't do this anymore.