So
So no one reads this anymore anyway, but I gotta get this off my chest.
For an incredibly long time I've had low self-esteem. I hide it well, but I (understandably) hate my weight. I also quite like it. It's COMFORTING sometimes to just not give a crap and eat a Big Mac (which I don't eat cuz they make me sick, but that's not the point.)
After sophmore year and the summer that followed I lost a few very important things. Whatever self-esteem and self-respect I had. I lost my trust towards people. And I think I lost a part of my personality. I pulled inward. I pulled way inward, to the point where I pushed people away. I did it purposefully. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't want to be comforted, I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to wallow and whine. I suppose it's depression of some sort. But I wasn't depressed. I was still bright freaking bubbly Stephanie. Just a little torn up on the inside.
What happened to me, what broke me, wasn't particularly important nor traumatizing. I assume it was a chain of events that caused something, somewhere inside me to break. It took me a long time to recover. To collect. I think my job helped. Doing something well, feeling needed helped.
So the point of all this is, while it took me long, and I'm still not totally okay. I'm so okay it scares me. I'm not even disturbed by my body. I'm comfortable. I feel beautiful. I'd love to lose some weight, and hell, maybe one day I will. But I'm confidant. I've CHANGED. I can feel it in my bones. I'm doing things the old Stephanie would have never done, never thought of doing.
And damnit, I like it.
So maybe this is the beginning of something good? Maybe I'll turn my life into what I always wanted it to be. Maybe not.
But damnit, I like it.
For an incredibly long time I've had low self-esteem. I hide it well, but I (understandably) hate my weight. I also quite like it. It's COMFORTING sometimes to just not give a crap and eat a Big Mac (which I don't eat cuz they make me sick, but that's not the point.)
After sophmore year and the summer that followed I lost a few very important things. Whatever self-esteem and self-respect I had. I lost my trust towards people. And I think I lost a part of my personality. I pulled inward. I pulled way inward, to the point where I pushed people away. I did it purposefully. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't want to be comforted, I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to wallow and whine. I suppose it's depression of some sort. But I wasn't depressed. I was still bright freaking bubbly Stephanie. Just a little torn up on the inside.
What happened to me, what broke me, wasn't particularly important nor traumatizing. I assume it was a chain of events that caused something, somewhere inside me to break. It took me a long time to recover. To collect. I think my job helped. Doing something well, feeling needed helped.
So the point of all this is, while it took me long, and I'm still not totally okay. I'm so okay it scares me. I'm not even disturbed by my body. I'm comfortable. I feel beautiful. I'd love to lose some weight, and hell, maybe one day I will. But I'm confidant. I've CHANGED. I can feel it in my bones. I'm doing things the old Stephanie would have never done, never thought of doing.
And damnit, I like it.
So maybe this is the beginning of something good? Maybe I'll turn my life into what I always wanted it to be. Maybe not.
But damnit, I like it.