single again...really???
so im sitting here now 27 years old and i need to just put my thoughts somewhere.So i remembered my dear old livejournal, you are the only thing that i can vent to. everyone else is sick of hearing about it and they all say they same ol things, even though they are accurate, i just cant hear it anymore. about 3 years ago i was runnin wild and free, livin a happy fun single girl life. Then i fell in love with Jimmy. A love stronger then any other i have ever felt. it was a hard relationship, lots of downs but some really great ups, if we had nothing else i thought we had love. Has dysfunctional and down right CRAZY as our life together was, i kept the big picture in mind, hoping and waiting for a better "future". i guess i was wrong. how did it all fall apart so bad? all i ever did was try to keep it together, try to keep him together. anything he wanted i did, i waited patiently for him to do what he needed to do, and i stood by him when everyone told me to leave, i defended him to anyone that had anything negative to say. i dont know what happened. i dont know how i could have been so wrong. Everyone tells me over and over that he is just a bad person, but he isnt, i swear. There is good in him, there is a kind,generous, funny, thoughtful guy, then there is the beast who is so mean and hurtful and spiteful. i thought i was gonna marry him someday. i cannot believe i was wrong. so im single again, its not so bad but damn. how many times do i have to do this?? why is it so hard to find a love that is real? the love i give is real, but why dont i get it back? do i really have to let this go?? move on?seriously? all that time and effort and angst just to get broken into pieces again?? its cruel. i dont do this to people i love. maybe i love too much or something. all the things we wished for,all the plans we made, the dreams we had, the memories all flushed down the toilet, cuz he hates himself, cant he see my love for him?? shouldnt that help at all? i just wish he wouldnt treat me like this, i feel so disposable,but he does, continuously. i wish i could take all ur pain away jimmy, i wish i could bring jeremy back for u, i wish i could make u happy, make u whole. thats my one wish for u jimmy, happiness. i love u and i know u know that and i know that beneath ur anger and rage and pain that u love me, or at least that u did. i dont have a choice but to move on. i cant sit and wait for u to turn into this person i want u to be. ill always be here for u,if u need anything u know that, but i gotta find happiness too, somehow. gosh i just hope u will be ok,i want u to accomplish all u want to.