I don't even know.....
Well I have to say that the past few days have definitely been a personal challenge for me. For some reasons that only a few can understand, I feel like... well I guess crap. It mostly has to do with my romantic life...yes, yes I know, Im young, it will come, it will be ok, but ya know this really sucks. I was talking to Andy, and everything was going well, and I really thought that I had found someone who had the same interests as me, and was someone I wanted to get to know better. Well right in the middle of my high it all came to a complete stop. I really was starting to be interested in him, and I gotta fuck something up. I think he had some issues too, but I feel that me telling him I thought he was a great guy, and I liked spending time with him, ultimately pushed him away. After he had told me he appreciated my honesty, he really didnt. I know that Andy really isnt the cause for me feeling like shit, it just happens to all come at the same time. I feel like I had someone around me, and I managed to screw it up, well not fully my fault, but Im just not good at this dating stuff. I feel like I could be myself and when I was, it just didnt work, and thats ok. Its just so strange how you can talk to someone so much, and a second date fucks everything up. All of my closest friends are getting married, as strange as it sounds, I always thought I would be one of the first of us marrying, and well I was gonna be, but that didnt exactly happen. I feel like this is the first time I have felt alone since Asaad and I have seperated. I guess going from having a house and being engaged, to living alone in a one bedroom apartment wouldnt upset me.....I was wrong. I feel like Iam happier being alone in ways, but not so much in others. Im not a desperate person, but I think I just really enjoy having someone to be with, someone to do things with. I dont know if I am a dating person, I think I may be a relationship kinda girl. I have been single before, but at such a differernt part of my life, it seems so different now. When everyone is experiencing happiness, I have to stop, and wonder what is wrong with my happiness. I feel that Im not, not happy cause I dont have a boyfriend, I think its because I feel like Ive failed in the department. I honestly have come to the conclusion that I will not look for it in anyone, I will wait for it to find me. Why? I feel that when I do voice my thoughts, they are not the appropriate time, or the right thing to say. I feel like I keep doing something wrong, or I have been with people who have been wrong for me either way....It sucks. I want to have that day come that I fall in love, the day my stomach drops out, the day I cant keep my hands off that person, the day I cant live without him. I am going to be patient, I will I promise myself that. I think this is going to be a small time in my life that I feel lonely, like I did everything wrong, and when I WANT someone to care for me. It wont last long....this self pity, but I guess I am entitled to it. I have to honestly say its alot of confusion Iam having too. I dont get how some people think, or why they say the things they say......ugh!! Well for now I will be optimistic that this will all pass after the aftermath of my I guess not so good date has passed. I swear it really isnt this one particular guy, its just happens to be the time in my life he happened to show up for a brief moment. I'll admit I was starting to get that feeling you get when you start to like someone for the first time, I guess the bright side is I will get to feel that again, and It really is worth it. I have come to another small conclusion, or thought....If someone says they cant stant overweight people, do I even bother talking to this person? I think it may prove their ignorance in alot of other subjects. hmmmmmmm.......I really do wonder why people say the shit they stay. If Im such a wonderful person, it must be the weight that keeps them away. whatever, Im not even gonna go there tonight, its just not worth my time.