(no subject)
Two nights ago Peter said, "I'm afraid it might offend you, but I've ordered you a grief workbook." I said, "Why would doing something to show you care offend me?" He said he ordered it because as a nurse I'm going to see people die and that I need to make sure I'm prepared for something that is going to hit so close to the most traumatic experience of my life.
He's right.
That night I had a nightmare in which I witnessed my mom's death....again. It was horrible. Just it being brought up in that short conversation took my dreams right back there after so much time. It was followed by a nightmare about the sun exploding. I used to have nightmares all the time and they usually involved being attacked or some big natural disaster or a nuclear bomb. It was a rough night for sleep.
But yeah, maybe I haven't dealt with it as much as I thought I had. I don't know. Watching it happen was horrible and so much worse than I could have imagined. But I think most of what I still struggle with when I really think about it, is that decision to remove the life support. I still question it and wonder if it was the right thing to do. I still wonder if she was conscious and was sreaming inside telling us not to do it. I still wonder if she was terrified. She used to say in those kinds of situations she'd want to be taken off life support but I still wonder what choice she would have made if it was actually given to her and wasn't a hypothetical situation. Because we often think we know what we want or how we'd act in a certain situation until we're faced with the reality of it. What would her choice have been when faced with the reality of it?
I know that it wasn't my decision alone. And I know that even if I had argued to keep her on life support that my sister and my stepdad would have disagreed. But would it have been better if I had fought for her? If I had tried? Perhaps that would have just caused a rift between my sister and me. But should I not have? There are so many questions when I sit down and think about it too long.
I'm sure the workbook will only help.