Introduction to Physysics - Part Two
Part One
"Annie's going to cry," Abed said, drawing Troy and Britta's attention away from Jeff.
"Annie's here?" Troy asked, looking around.
"Oh my God, guys," Britta hissed. "They're all going to notice us if you don't shut up."
"I was all for staying in the car," Troy said. "I was all for watching Cosby."
Abed kept staring at Annie, frowning. He didn't know what it was about that look, but it did things to him. "I have to stop this," he said, and stood, moving swiftly across the room.
"You're here now, so shut up!" she hissed, then frowned, looking around. "Where did Abed go?"
"He's like a ghost," Troy said. "Can we order crab cakes yet?"
~
Jeff didn't know why he was surprised. And maybe he wasn't, anymore. Maybe he was slowly learning to accept that the voices in his head weren't imaginary at all, but rather the product of his study group constantly being around, everywhere.
Including this restaurant.
"There's Abed," he said, deadpan. Carlton craned his neck. "And where there's Abed, there must be more."
"What?"
"They're like hobbits. They thrive in packs, and if you leave them alone, they'll destroy the universe."
Carlton frowned more. "What?"
"We watched Lord of the Rings in geography," Jeff admitted, after an awkward moment of silence.
He really needed to get out of community college.
~
Abed moved to stand beside Annie. "Hi, Annie." He pressed a hand onto her shoulder, debating in his head who would comfort her the most in this situation. Chandler Bing would make a joke. Don Draper would hit on her. Archie Bunker would make a racist comment to detract from the situation. None seemed like great options.
He settled on Jeff.
"Annie, don't sit around crying over some jerk who cares more about his hair than whether you're upset or not. You deserve so much better."
Annie sniffled, but looked up at him with huge, Bambi-like eyes. "Really?"
"Guys are idiots," Abed said, and it seemed as though he was stretching himself to be taller, without even trying. "And frankly, hanging around with even these two idiots is beneath you."
Gus frowned. "Excuse you?"
"So pick yourself up off the floor, and take what's yours. Because no one is going to give it to you, Annie, no matter how much you may look like a tiny, orphaned, animated woodland creature when you're sad."
~
Juliet spotted the Blueberry parked at a meter, and did a fist pump of joy. After she'd arrived at Lassiter's house to find it empty, and with Shawn nowhere to be found, she'd hoped they might have given up on whatever they were planning. But the car wasn't parked outside either of their apartments, or any of their usual haunts - the pet store, Coldstone, Pinkberry, Blenders In The Grass, that little Mexican place on 5th, or Toys R Us. That meant they were up to trouble.
Luckily, there were only so many places to hide in Santa Barbara, and Lassiter had been dumb enough to write down the name of the restaurant he was meeting Jeff in his day planner at work. She just hoped she wasn't too late.
~
"Damn it," Jeff sighed and Carlton followed his line of sight directly to Spencer.
"Damn it," Carlton snapped, and Jeff was nodding but his eyes were fixed on a pretty girl with dark hair and huge Bambi-like eyes.
Maybe it was the universe that never wanted him to have sex again.
Carlton refused to be thwarted by the universe. Spencer was one thing. Everything else was another. He glanced back at the door.
"You want to get out of here?"
"Definitely," Jeff said, taking out his wallet at the same time as Carlton.
~
"They're leaving," Shawn said, when he saw Lassie stand up. "Come on."
"Oh no, Shawn," Gus said, tucking his napkin into the collar of his shirt. "You just ordered a forty dollar entree. You are going to eat it."
"But Gus..."
"No, Shawn. No. I've had it. I'm sorry for you and your failed attempts to woo various members of the SBPD, but I am not paying forty dollars for food you haven't eaten. So unless you want to leave here in cuffs, I suggest you eat your food."
Gus knew a minute too late that he'd said the wrong thing. The smile on Shawn's face was almost worth it.
"Gus, you're a genius!"
Almost, but not quite.
"I don't want to be a genius," Gus said, pointing at the waiter bringing their food. "I want you to eat your food."
But, as usual, Shawn wasn't listening. Instead, he was putting his hand to his head, and nothing good was going to come of this.
"Oh..." Shawn moaned as he got to his feet hands clasped to his head. "Oh God, Gus, Gus... Something terrible happened here."
Everyone in the restaurant stopped and stared at Shawn.
In one way this was a good thing. Lassie was no longer leading Jeff out of the restaurant, which had been Shawn's motive for staggering to his feet and raising his voice. But now everyone's attention was on him and he had no idea what to say and... Was that an actual snail, because it smelled like heaven. Could he steal food under the guise of a psychic vision?
Gus was glaring at him in a way that meant he wouldn't be talking to Shawn for several days when this was over. Annie looked confused. Abed looked intrigued. Jeff's smirk made him want to punch his pretty face and Lassie...looked about as mad as Shawn had ever seen him. And so incredibly hot in that suit, just waiting to be rumpled. Shawn would happily oblige.
"Maybe you're getting a vision from the future," Lassiter said, though if Shawn were to categorize the tone, it was more like a growl. "Of me killing you."
"No!" Shawn leaned against a table, doing his best sultry Roxie Hart impression. Gus was going to regret making him watch that musical. He twirled across the room, slumping against Lassiter. He could feel him shaking with anger.
"Spencer," he hissed, and just before he could grab him, Shawn shimmied away.
"You!" he gasped, pointing at Jeff. Jeff raised one perfectly manscaped eyebrow (and under other circumstances, Shawn realized he'd have asked for the name of his salon), but said nothing. He moved his finger to Lassiter. "And you! You're both about to make a huge mistake!"
"This is like dinner theatre," Abed breathed. "Only better. And no one's died. Yet."
"Enough," Lassiter said, and this time, he grabbed Shawn by the arm, dragging him - in a manly fashion - toward the exit. "Jeff, give me five," he called over his shoulder.
Carlton pulled open the door to the restaurant, just as Juliet was about to walk through it. Her eyes went from him to Shawn and back to him.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "It took forever to find parking."
"Arrest him," Carlton growled, thrusting Shawn towards her.
"For what?" Shawn shouted and steadied himself on Juliet's shoulders. "Hi Jules."
"Disturbing the peace," Carlton answered and tried to ignore the way Juliet rolled her eyes.
"Carlton..."
"It was a legitimate psychic vision," Shawn protested to Juliet. "Do you think he should sleep with a man who uses a bidet?"
"Do you have something against personal hygiene, Spencer?" He frowned. “How do you know he uses a bidet?”
"I have something against pretension," Shawn said and then, realizing Juliet was still there and listening, he waved her inside. "Go eat my food before that vein in Gus's neck explodes."
Juliet gave one last apologetic glance toward Lassiter, but moved inside, to give them space.
Lassiter pulled out his handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent."
"But I choose to ignore it," Shawn said, putting his hand over Carlton's wrist to stop him. Instead, he found himself suddenly pushed against the side of the building, Lassiter staring him down. Shawn didn't remember the last time he'd looked so angry. He gulped.
"What is wrong with you, Spencer? I get why you have to be an ass at the station, but now you're stalking me just to make me look like a fool. Is this funny to you?"
"A little," Shawn admitted, but it was apparently the wrong answer. Lassiter tightened his grip.
"Why are you here?" Lassiter snapped, and he loosened his grip to push his jacket back, to reveal that he was packing heat. As if Shawn needed to be reminded. "You've got five seconds."
~
"Juliet!" Gus shouted when he spotted her. "Over here."
Abed tilted his head to the side as he took in Juliet. "The detective's partner," he said, nodding. "Cute, but dangerous and smart. Like Annie. With a gun."
Annie frowned.
"Gus," she sighed, stopping beside him. "What's going on? Lassiter looks ready to kill him."
"Good," Gus said, and then hesitated, holding up a plate with rolls. "Sit down, eat. Someone should."
Just as she was sitting, Jeff began to move past them, toward the back door. "Where are you going?" Annie asked, standing quickly. "You're just going to leave him?"
"Yes," Jeff said, and kept moving. "Because this is now less of a date, and more of an extension of the crazy that Greendale refuses to stop forcing on me."
"You can't just leave," Annie protested. "That's not nice."
"You don't want them to date anyway," Britta said, finally walking over with Troy. "It is rude though, Jeff."
"Where did any of you get the impression I was nice?" Jeff asked. "I'm not nice. I'm a lawyer. Sort of. I'm harsh and sarcastic and I hate something about everyone one of you, even if you are my best friends. Now since you've ruined any hope of sex for the evening, I'm going home."
"Is that all that you care about?" Annie asked, frustrated. "Is that all that dating is to you?"
Jeff sighed. "You're 19. You'll get it, when you're older."
"No!" she snapped. "I don't want to get it. Dating is supposed to be about being excited to spend time with someone, and wanting to tell someone something that happened to you that no one else would care about, and getting chills every time you touch their hand."
"What is this, an afterschool special? This isn't middle school, Annie."
"Well, maybe it should be." She stared him down.
Jeff wavered. She really would have made a good lawyer.
~
“I am here for the rolls," Shawn said, and Lassiter raised his fist, but they both knew he wasn't going to punch him. At least, Shawn was pretty sure. Like, 60% sure.
"You're here because you can't stand me being happy. I made the mistake of arresting you and you've been punishing me ever since."
Shawn tilted his head back, feeling like he'd actually been hit. Frankly it would have been preferable to the look in Lassie's eyes.
"Just admit it," Lassiter continued, and his shoulders slumped forward, losing some of his fight. "Just admit it, and let me go home, Spencer. Please."
"No," Spencer whispered, and he winced. "I can't."
Lassiter let go of him completely. "Are you that much of an asshole?"
"I can't, because it's not true." Even to his own ears, it sounded like maybe he was begging.
"Then what do you want?"
~
"Maybe it should be, but it's not. I am not a 12 year old girl, and if you didn't notice, neither is Carlton."
"Do you like him?" she asked.
"I don't like anyone, Annie. I like this suit that I'm wearing. I like my Blackberry. I like fine Italian leather and expensive work lunches. People, I do not like."
Even Troy rolled his eyes.
"Spare us," Britta yelled.
Juliet leaned closer to Gus. "What did I miss?"
Gus gave a brief outline of who everyone was while taking his time over her food. Juliet nodded along, happily digging in to Shawn's meal.
"And Shawn and Lassiter?" she asked, without taking her eyes off the group in front of them.
Gus sighed. "That's complicated."
~
"What does anyone want?" Shawn asked, stalling. "A Caribbean cruise. A Harley. The return of pineapple flavoured Lifesavers"
"Not everyone wants a Harley," Lassiter said, then laughed, throwing his hands up. "I'm feeding the madness. I am mad."
"Not as a hatter," Shawn said, but Lassiter wasn't smiling. He sighed, and tried to weigh his options. They could carry on as they had been. Shawn could keep trying to drive him crazy, slowly, and hope that Jeff disappeared. Or, maybe Jeff wouldn't. Maybe Shawn would learn to appreciate Jeff. He did have nice hair.
He could tell Lassiter, and risk rejection. It would involve more than just that, though. Moving to a new city. Never being able to live this down at the station.
It wasn't like Shawn had never changed jobs, though.
He leaned in, and pressed their lips together, trying not to think about the third option. When you wanted something too much, it had a tendency to blow up in your face.
Carlton's mind shut down for a minute.
A full minute when he couldn't have told you his name or date of birth, or picked his mother out of a lineup.
After that minute, he felt Shawn start to pull away and it kicked him back into action immediately. His arms came up, holding Shawn to him, and he tilted his head a little to kiss him back.
He'd never felt anything as wonderful as the feel of Shawn's lips parting beneath his, or heard anything that sounded as sweet as Shawn moaning against him.
That thought however, made him freeze again. Where had this mushy, romantic stuff come from? He pulled back, frowning a little.
"What the hell was that, Spencer?"
~
"Then go," Annie said, and so Jeff turned to leave again. The chorus of angry/surprised/frustrated "Jeff!"'s behind him actually made him pause, though. He hated, sometimes, that his band of misfits got to him.
He sighed and turned around, walking over to Annie. "We're going to talk," he said, then, louder. "And the rest of you are going to go home."
"Oh no, we are not," Gus said from somewhere behind him. "This is the best steak I've ever had."
Jeff grabbed Annie's hand, and pulled her forward. Carlton was still outside, though, which left him with two options for privacy - the bathroom, or the coat room. He opted for the coat room.
~
"Are we going home?" Abed asked Britta as soon as Jeff and Annie were out of sight.
“Like hell we are," she said, sitting down next to Juliet and picking at Annie's food. "We came all this way. I want to see how it turns out."
Abed looked at Troy, who looked frustrated.
"You look frustrated," he said.
Troy sighed. "Of course I'm frustrated. People are making out and fighting and eating. I haven't eaten in days, Abed."
"Hours," Abed corrected, but he got the gist. "We can eat now."
~
"That was a kiss," Shawn said, straightening. He'd thought it had been a pretty spectacular kiss, as far as kisses went. Maybe Lassie should have closed his lips a bit more, but he'd mostly been gaping. And maybe Lassie didn't think it was that good of a kiss. He did stop it, after all.
Carlton made a frustrated noise. "I know that, but why did you do it?"
"That's a horse of a different color," Shawn said, but didn't elaborate.
"You can't be serious about anything, can you?"
"Is a single-tone horse more serious than one of another color?"
Lassiter threw up his arms, and backed Shawn into the wall again. It was a little more hot this time, because of the kissing. He approved.
"I wanted to kiss you," he said, sticking his chin out. As far as chances went, Shawn figured he didn't have many more left. "And I think you enjoyed it."
"That's neither here nor there," Lassiter said, sounding a little embarrassed.
"Here or where?" Shawn said. "How is that any more serious than my horse saying?"
"Shawn." Lassie's voice held a warning tone that Shawn had long since learned to barrel through.
There was only one solution, he decided, to silencing the man.
He kissed him again.
~
Annie frowned at a mink coat. It didn't frown back, but then, that was sort of the problem.
"Why are we in here?" she asked, turning to look at Jeff.
"Because I can only deal with so many of you at once. And this? Is overload."
“I didn't know Britta was bringing Troy and Abed," she said, on the defensive. "I didn't even know Britta was coming."
"And that," Jeff said, "was your second mistake."
"What was my first?"
"Coming here. Why are you here? I get that Simon Baker out there is having a freakout, but you're better than sneaking around some restaurant just to ruin someone's chances of getting laid."
"That's not what I'm doing," Annie protested, wondering who Simon Baker was. "I just... I just..."
"What? Wanted to spy on me? In case you hadn't noticed, I don't give a crap about who you date."
Annie's eyes flashed and she punched Jeff's arm. "Abed was right," she fumed. "I do deserve better than you."
"We're not dating!" Jeff snapped, then pointed toward the door. "I was actually on a date with someone else, and you've now crashed it."
"The only reason we're not dating is because you won't ask me!"
"This is like arguing with iCarly!"
Annie paused, wrinkling her nose. "You watch iCarly?"
Jeff went still. "Once," he said slowly. "There was nothing else on, it was late... You know what, not my point."
"What is your point?"
"I don't date!" Jeff yelled and Annie's arm shot out to point at the door, matching Jeff's stance.
"You just said you did."
"You're 19 years old," Jeff said, changing tack.
"But I'm more mature than you," Annie argued. "What else have you got?"
"You're the 5th most irritating fri... person I spend a lot of time with."
Annie frowned. "What does even mean? You're ridiculous."
"You're needy."
"You're arrogant."
"You're shrill."
~
"What do you think they're doing?" Juliet asked Troy, taking another bite of one of the crab cakes. Really, this food was amazing.
Abed motioned for the waiter to refill Gus' wine glass. He'd noticed after the first one, Gus had relaxed more. Now, he was on his third, and he was *much* more relaxed. Abed wondered what would happen if had four.
"Killing each other, if we're lucky," Troy said, while Gus smiled gratefully at the waiter. "So long as they don't make us clean up the blood after."
“Do you think Lassiter killed Shawn?" Gus asked Juliet, who quickly shook her head.
"We'd have heard the shot."
"He sounds very violent, your friend," Britta said in a disapproving tone.
"Not very," Juliet said.
~
This time, Shawn was positive that Lassiter was into the kiss. If the way he was pressed flush against Shawn, biting at his lower lip and holding him against the wall was any indication.
"Fuck," he breathed, when they parted.
"Fuck," Lassiter echoed, but for very different reasons.
"That was good," Shawn said, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. "We should do that again. Right now."
"We can't," Lassiter said, stepping back. "I shouldn't have done that."
"What?" Shawn exclaimed, unable and unwilling to hide his frustration. "Why not? It was kissing. Very good kissing."
"Do you even get that I'm on a date? With someone else?"
"I get that you're making a mistake." Shawn crossed his arms, wishing not for the first time that sometimes, Lassiter would loosen up, just a little. "You and I would be awesome. Imagine the sex, Lassie. Just imagine it."
He snorted. "And tomorrow you'll tell the whole station what I look like naked and have a good laugh and go back to chasing O'Hara. Do you think I was born yesterday?"
"O'Hara? I haven't chased after Jules in months. Unless you count the other day, when she switched my pineapple mango smoothie for her banana mango. I mean, really."
"Spencer!"
"I've been chasing you!" Shawn said, rolling his eyes. "Are you blind, man? Really?"
~
"You're mean!"
"You're short!"
Annie gasped. "Just because I'm not freakishly tall..."
"Some of us were just born better than others, Annie."
She picked up a hideous neon green wool coat, and threw it at him.
He raised one brow. "Mature."
"I hate you," she said, fidgeting now. "You are mean."
For a moment, Jeff wanted to take it all back. And not just because that might have ended this insane night once and for all, but because when Annie said things like that, it made him hate himself a little. But he hated Annie a little more. "This is stupid," he said. "I don't know what wrong you think I've caused you, but I haven't."
“You know what?" Annie said after a moment of silence. "You're a... you're a... a..."
"A what? An idiot who thought he could have a normal life while still knowing you freaks?"
"You're an asshole," Annie shouted and smiled when it shut him up. She spotted her coat and grabbed it from the rail. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go home."
~
"Bullshit," Carlton said after a prolonged moment of nothing but heavy breathing between them. "You're saying that for the last five years..."
Shawn held up his hands. "Woah, what? No, I don't think that's what I'm saying." He paused as though considering. "No, definitely not five years."
Carlton folded his arms and glared. "Then enlighten me."
"Only three," Shawn said, and then paused. "Maybe three and a half. Depends on if you ask me or Gus."
Lassiter actually smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Well, Spencer. As fun as this little game of yours has been, I'm through. And now, I'm going home. Go tell your lies to someone else."
"Lassie..."
There was always a chance that Lassiter actually believed him and was giving him an easy out because he didn't feel the same way.
Shawn would have given this option greater consideration if he hadn't been studying him as long as he'd known him. Lassie just wasn't that great at lying. He was an honest man. It was one of the things Shawn loved most about him.
If he loved him at all.
Which he didn't.
~
For some crazy reason, Jeff felt his chest tighten. He assumed it was because he hated to lose. Hated. "That's it? You crash my date, you yell at me in a coat closet-"
"You picked the coat closet," she said.
"You still yelled at me."
"You yelled first! And I'm a girl!"
"How does that get to be a woman's argument for everything? Being a girl doesn't guarantee you special rights. I don't remember the Constitution saying, 'All men are created equal, but sorry boys, the girls were granted more rights!' I think I missed that lesson."
"Maybe it was in the law school class you never went to!”
“What are you so damn mad about?”
“You’re still arguing!"
"Only because you are!" He frowned, and moved back over to her. "What do you want, Annie? You want this?" And with that, he leaned down - very far down, because she really was short - and kissed her.
~
"It's gotten really quiet," Juliet whispered and everyone seemed to lean a little towards the coat room.
"No one's watching Shawn and the Detective," Abed hissed back.
Gus and Juliet shared a look and went back to their meals. "They're fine."
~
Shawn was sort of a coward. Sure, it was one thing to rush in to dangerous situations, but he almost always knew he had Gus to back him, and Jules and Lassie probably weren't far behind. Big life moments were something else entirely. He liked the way his life was built right now - psychic detective, Gus, Santa Barbara. He already knew where all the best pineapple smoothies were around town. If he fucked this up, he was actually losing something. But for a second, as he watched Lassiter walking off toward his car, he considered what he could win.
And he chased after him.
By the time he caught up, he was out of breath. "I need to work out more," he gasped, leaning against the car. Lassiter was frowning at him.
He straightened, trying to catch his breath. "You wear this blue shirt every once in awhile. It's a different blue than your normal work clothes, it's darker. Gus would have a name for that color, but I'm going with Lassiraptor Blue. All I know is that it makes your eyes stand out, and every time you wear it, I have trouble thinking. I usually push you extra hard on those days, like last week when you wore it, and I superglued your phone. Or, you wore it two years ago, on a stakeout where Gus and I brought burgers, but I put pickles on yours even though I know you hate pickles, because I'm afraid if I don't distract you, you'll see right through me."
~
“Do you think they killed each other?" Troy asked Abed when the silence continued.
"Someone should go in there," Britta said and stood up. "It's my duty to find out what they're doing and stop them."
Abed and Troy shared a look this time. Juliet started to giggle to herself. Gus took another sip of his wine.
~
Jeff was stupidly tall, Annie decided. They kept knocking teeth, and her neck was starting to hurt from straining up.
He picked her up, pressing her against the wall and holding her in place so they were more the same height. It was much better.
Annie had only kissed four guys. Her high school boyfriend Andrew, Tony at rehab, Pierce - which she didn't like to talk about - and now, Jeff. As far as the kissing went, Annie had thought that Tony was a B- (in part because he didn't cry like Andrew, and he wasn't old and smelled like feet, like Pierce, who both ranked far lower). Jeff, though. Jeff was an A.
She wondered how she ranked.
"Stop thinking," he mumbled against her lips, still kissing her. "I can hear the notations from here."
"I can't just turn off, Jeff. I'm not a robot. I'm not you."
Jeff smiled against Annie's lips. It was so much better when she just relaxed and stopped being so prim and proper.
"Now you're thinking," she said, breaking away to breathe, letting her head fall back against the wall.
"And you're talking," Jeff said, kissing down her throat. "Stop talking."
"You're talking too," she argued, but it came out as more of a sigh than she'd anticipated. That felt really nice.
Someone cleared their throat in the doorway, and Annie gasped, flustered and surprised, pushing at Jeff.
"It's just Britta," he said, and went back to kissing her neck.
Britta raised one brow. "So you're not gay now?"
Annie thought she looked a little disappointed.
"No, but I am going to be a brutal killer in a minute, if you keep..."
Britta smirked. "Cockblocking you?"
Annie hit Jeff's shoulder until he let her down. "Ew."
"She said it!"
"You're on a date, remember?" Britta asked, ignoring the fury on Jeff's face. "That poor guy."
~
"Should one of us go check on them?" Juliet asked, looking between the door and the coat closet. Even she wasn't sure which group she met.
"Nope," Gus said, and he was smiling. "I think we should order dessert, though."
Abed was watching him closely. "You're a lot friendlier with wine."
"So are most people," Troy said, and Abed paused, considering. He poured Troy a glass.
~
Carlton watched Shawn, trying to find the lie. That was the worst thing about having him around - never being able to trust a word he said.
"Oh come on," he sighed, trying one last time to force Shawn to admit the truth. "So you notice what shirts I wear and remember when we ate together. That doesn't mean you want me any more than it makes you psy..."
Lassiter froze, one final piece of the puzzle falling into place. Shawn was looking at him, no doubt wondering if Lassiter was going to arrest him. He had practically given himself away.
Maybe that was the point though. Maybe it was Carlton's turn to be honest.
"Why?" he asked, wanting and dreading the answer at the same time.
"You have blue eyes," Shawn murmured, staring into them.
Carlton sighed. "If this is a trick.."
Shawn reached behind Carlton's ear, as though to pull out a quarter. But instead, he held up his hands after, revealing that he had nothing. "No trick," he said, quietly.
It was strangely the most open and honest Spencer had been, maybe ever, in his presence. Carlton kept watching him, waiting for some sign of deception, but Shawn's expression didn't change.
He hesitated, but leaned in carefully, pressing their lips together.
Shawn kept his eyes open, Carlton could feel them studying him, even as his kiss was tentative.
It felt real, though.
Which was far scarier than the alternative.
Carlton cupped Shawn's face with one hand, drawing his thumb over Shawn's cheek.
"I didn't... I don't want to admit to feeling this way about you," he said at length, doing just that. "You really are the most irritating person I've ever known.
"I like to excel at things," Shawn said, catching Lassiter's finger in his mouth. The way Lassie was looking at him made his stomach do flip flops.
~
"We weren't exclusive," Jeff said, shrugging. "Besides, he's got the hots for the psychic."
Britta smirked. "Mini you?"
"He looks nothing like me. He wore tennis shoes. Red ones."
Annie wrinkled her nose. "He does, a little. I think it's mostly the hair, though."
Jeff frowned at her. "Whose side are you on?"
"My side," Annie said, which only made Jeff grin and shoot Britta a self-satisfied smirk.
"Fine," Britta sighed. "You've corrupted Annie. Congratulations. You're a pig. Come out of the closet already."
"I'm not in the closet."
"Technically, this isn't a closet," Annie corrected Britta.
"Whatever," Britta snapped, losing the will to live. "Can we eat now?" She pointed at Jeff. "You break it off with your detective first. But carefully. He has a gun."
Jeff nodded, still smirking. "You'd like him. He likes Ravi Shankar too."
“You really should talk to him," Annie said. She looked guilty. "He seemed like a nice guy."
~
"It's getting cold," Shawn complained. It occurred to him that this was possibly because Lassie had his shirt half unbuttoned.
"Deal," he said, and kissed him harder.
"Mmmph," Shawn said, but it clearly meant he was agreeing, because he nudged his leg further between Lassiter's, pressing. "This is getting awfully close to public nudity," Shawn moaned. "I'd hate for you to have to arrest yourself."
Lassiter stepped back completely, pulling away from Shawn's body.
"Fine. I have to see Jeff anyway."
Shawn gave him his best impression of a puppy that had done something it knew was wrong, but was really, really sad. Lassiter just sighed.
"Let me talk to him first," he said, and even though Shawn wanted to ask what came second, he just nodded. And buttoned his shirt back up.
~
Once it was just the four of them, Gus accepted that he was actually having a nice evening. Juliet was there. Abed and Troy were only as annoying as he knew he and Shawn were. The food was amazing. Juliet was there. That bore repeating.
"More wine," Abed said the waiter.
Troy smiled widely at Abed. "Yes, more wine!"
~
Jeff paused when he saw Carlton walking through the door toward him. He had two buttons undone, his hair was a mess, and he was smiling.
Well. That was going to make explaining easier.
"Hey," he said, tilting his head to the side. "Did you get attacked outside?"
Carlton reached out to pull bits of red wool, matching Annie's jacket, out of his hair. "Did you?"
They stared each other down, until Carlton smiled a little sheepishly. "Annie?"
Jeff shrugged. "Shawn."
"I guess that's in the running for shortest relationship ever," Carlton said.
"We lasted longer than one of Pierce's marriages," Jeff said. "I'm counting it as a win."
"For what it's worth," Carlton said, unable to stop smiling and glad Jeff was doing the same, "I had fun. I don't say that a lot."
Jeff laughed. "Me too. And I was looking forward to trying out those handcuffs." He looked back at Annie. "Yeah that's not happening."
~
Annie was twitching a little. Britta frowned at her. "What are you doing?"
She frowned harder at Jeff and Carlton. They were hugging now. "What do you think they're talking about?"
“You," Britta said, crossing her arms.
Abed was watching her with a vague sense of curiosity. He turned to Gus. "Do you think we're in Moonlighting? Or Friends?"
Gus paused. "If anyone is in Moonlighting, it's Lassiter and Shawn. They're detectives."
"But they've got enough pizzaz to last," Abed said. "They're more like Mad About You. Their wit will carry them on through the years. It wasn't all about the chase."
Annie frowned. "We weren't all about the chase either!"
"No," Abed agreed. "You did more of the back-and-forth. So that means that this is Friends." He pointed at Britta. "That makes you Joey."
Gus started to laugh.
Annie made a face. "That makes me Ross?"
"It's not a science," Abed admitted.
"They're still hugging," Annie said, worried.
Juliet put a hand on her arm. "Sit down, try this creme brule. It's delicious!"
~
Shawn pressed his nose to the restaurant window and wondered how angry Lassie would be if he re-enacted the end of The Graduate. He had a feeling Abed would enjoy it.
He raised his hands as though ready to bang on the glass, but waved at Gus and Juliet instead when they spotted him.
~
"She's cute." Carlton nodded toward where Annie was seated, then paused. "When she's not looking at me like that."
Jeff smiled. "And Shawn seems crazy."
He laughed, shrugging. "He is." Then he smiled. "Want to hug one more time? I think it'll drive them both insane."
In a way, Jeff thought he and Carlton Lassiter would have been very good together. He reached out to hug him again. "We should stay in touch. In three years, when I get my degree, it would be great to have a friend who's a head detective in my back pocket."
"In three years," Lassiter agreed, and then turned to go outside, to collect the fake psychic who was pressing his face against the window and pouting.
"Carlton," Juliet shouted when he turned to leave. "What's going on?"
She waved him over, not failing to notice the way he looked towards Shawn even as he walked towards her.
"I'm taking Shawn... Spencer home." Carlton was bright red by the time he finished the sentence.
She ignored the way Gus was chuckling into his wine glass, and patted Carlton's hand with a smile. "Shawn Spencer, huh?"
"Keep your voice down," he said, and then nodded to Gus. "And drive him home. He's drunk."
"You can drive me home anytime, Juliet." Even Lassiter had to marvel at how he still sounded like a complete gentleman saying those words.
She smiled, pressing a kiss to Lassiter's cheek before he could stop her. "Have fun," she said. "You deserve it."
Annie was watching them both, hopefully, when Jeff wandered back over.
"I'll drive you home," Jeff said, helping Annie with her coat.
"And then?" she asked, trying not to sound too eager.
"We'll see," he said, ignoring Britta who was shaking her head and Troy and Abed who were staring at them.
Annie beamed at the table. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, and waved, before skipping off toward the door. Jeff followed, but at a distance.
~
Shawn was still pressing his face to the window, trying to spot where Lassie and Jeff had disappeared to, when Lassiter cleared his throat behind him.
"How did you do that?" Shawn asked, looking back inside and then at Lassie.
"I'm magic," Lassiter said dryly. "Let's go."
Shawn hesitated. "So, you broke up with him, right?"
"We went on a few dates. We weren't necessarily dating."
Shawn raised one brow. "So are we dating?"
"Spencer," he sighed. "Stop talking."
"I'm choosing to take that as a yes," he said, moving instantly to his side. "You've already got the disapproving boyfriend look down." He pointed at himself. “I am going to get to Step 12, you just wait and see.”
“What does that even mean?”
“You’ll find out on our third date.”
Despite his better judgement, Carlton found himself smiling.
~
"So that's it?" Troy asked, looking toward the door. "We trailed them here, and we didn't even get to see a fist fight or any naked people. Abed, you promised me action."
"There was dramatic tension," he said, eyes on Gus' slowed movements as he tried to dish the rest of the food into to-go containers. Juliet wasn't helping him, she was too busy laughing. It was intriguing. "Dramatic tension is better than fist fights, sometimes."
"No, Abed, it's never better. Fist fights are awesome. Sometimes, there's blood."
Abed considered. "I bet Cosby is still on," he said, and they bumped fists.
THE END.