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We were so perfect. I mean we were so perfectly happy and then he pushed me away. But he stills keeps me close. It doesn't kill me anymore but it pulls me apart, tears me to shreds. I dont know what to feel.
In all my relationships either they push me away or I do. For once I would like to know for certain if it is gonna last. Im so sick of giving my heart away. I really just want to find my fairy tale relationship. I really thought I had that with Jeff but I guess Heavenly Father has someone else I need to be with. And maybe Jeff and Ashley will happen again and I will have that perfection again, but I really have no hope for that.
Im not too sad, I really dont understand why. But I do understand why I have been having so many stressful things going on. Im so busy because I need it. If I were to have nothing to do I would get really depressed and I would start getting back to the monster I was.
I know Jeff thinks that he didn't get anywhere when he would compliment me, fight for me, or being the one to tell me what I was in his eyes. In all truth just calling him mine helped me out so much. Him complimenting me, and all those other things made me realize Im not a monster, Im not ugly, Im not fat, Im not stupid. I wish there was some way to repay him. I wish there way some way to even tell him all what he really did to me. It hurts cuz all he wants from me is to leave him alone basically, but all I want to do is let him know how absolutely grateful I am. How he is so perfect and how he made this timid little girl from Colorado realize that she was perfect. Even when she felt beyond imperfect, when she felt like trash. How he helped her realize that even when life was at its hardest, there was always something positive and right. I could be here all eternity and still not have explained what he did for me.
I feel like a failure to him. I dont feel like I really did anything to to build him up. But Jeff doesn't really need fixing,.Ya he can be mean and sarcastic. But hes so perfect. Im just awed by it all. And I got to hold him close, I got to kiss him, I got to love him and I couldn't really ask for more. I was blessed and I will forever be grateful. All I could possibly do for Jeff was love him. And I did, I still do. In fact I love him more with every breathe I take.
Yet if he came back to me I would ask for more time apart. See what I mean by if I really had a lot of time I would be really depressed. I still dont know what to feel. Maybe I should just try Happiness and love and Kindness and chairitable......how about I try positive. Ya Im still broken, and it hurts still the same but I need this I guess. I just need to have faith.
Jeff if I ever choose to show this to you know that Im not trying to make you feel a certain way. Im just trying to put into words the absolute gratitude I have for you. Thanx isn't enough. I'll always cherish what we had together, it was so perfect. I love you, I always will.
Oh I get to mascot for the first time monday!!!!! YA BUDDY!!!!
In all my relationships either they push me away or I do. For once I would like to know for certain if it is gonna last. Im so sick of giving my heart away. I really just want to find my fairy tale relationship. I really thought I had that with Jeff but I guess Heavenly Father has someone else I need to be with. And maybe Jeff and Ashley will happen again and I will have that perfection again, but I really have no hope for that.
Im not too sad, I really dont understand why. But I do understand why I have been having so many stressful things going on. Im so busy because I need it. If I were to have nothing to do I would get really depressed and I would start getting back to the monster I was.
I know Jeff thinks that he didn't get anywhere when he would compliment me, fight for me, or being the one to tell me what I was in his eyes. In all truth just calling him mine helped me out so much. Him complimenting me, and all those other things made me realize Im not a monster, Im not ugly, Im not fat, Im not stupid. I wish there was some way to repay him. I wish there way some way to even tell him all what he really did to me. It hurts cuz all he wants from me is to leave him alone basically, but all I want to do is let him know how absolutely grateful I am. How he is so perfect and how he made this timid little girl from Colorado realize that she was perfect. Even when she felt beyond imperfect, when she felt like trash. How he helped her realize that even when life was at its hardest, there was always something positive and right. I could be here all eternity and still not have explained what he did for me.
I feel like a failure to him. I dont feel like I really did anything to to build him up. But Jeff doesn't really need fixing,.Ya he can be mean and sarcastic. But hes so perfect. Im just awed by it all. And I got to hold him close, I got to kiss him, I got to love him and I couldn't really ask for more. I was blessed and I will forever be grateful. All I could possibly do for Jeff was love him. And I did, I still do. In fact I love him more with every breathe I take.
Yet if he came back to me I would ask for more time apart. See what I mean by if I really had a lot of time I would be really depressed. I still dont know what to feel. Maybe I should just try Happiness and love and Kindness and chairitable......how about I try positive. Ya Im still broken, and it hurts still the same but I need this I guess. I just need to have faith.
Jeff if I ever choose to show this to you know that Im not trying to make you feel a certain way. Im just trying to put into words the absolute gratitude I have for you. Thanx isn't enough. I'll always cherish what we had together, it was so perfect. I love you, I always will.
Oh I get to mascot for the first time monday!!!!! YA BUDDY!!!!