(no subject)
I feel bad.
I want to be there for ana, you know. I want to be a good supportive friend. But then I have this shitty feelings and this stupid crap come up, and its so ..unimportant next to what she is going through yet I can't just ...put it aside.
everything is always a disaster for me. I have to borrow money from a girl at work, because my husband doesn't make enough money. I can't pay my bills, and now I am going to have to start working over time. I am out of options. And gil doesn't care. he does't care. If he did, he would have a new job. Tonight, he called at 3:30 as I was drifiting off to sleep, to tell me that he was leaving. On his way home from work. He was all excited I was asleep. I didn't think anything of it, as I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't I called him again at four and he fed me a line about how he forgot some things he had to do. I didn't think anything of it, until thirty minutes later, I tried to call him, and then proceeded to call him for the next twenty minutes. Fifteen times in fact, and he never answered. I started getting upset, and worried. when he finally calls me back, first he says he stopped to get food, and they took forever. I had to start questioning to get the right answers. he went out to eat with people from the bar, he ignored my call. Every time we go out together, he can not stay off the phone with work people, but god forbid he ruin his out to eat with work people to talk to me. I am defeated. I am nothing. and I can't do it any more. When will things change? I would rather stop exisiting, then have to continue this struggle. And he doesn't get it, and he doesn't care.
I want to be there for ana, you know. I want to be a good supportive friend. But then I have this shitty feelings and this stupid crap come up, and its so ..unimportant next to what she is going through yet I can't just ...put it aside.
everything is always a disaster for me. I have to borrow money from a girl at work, because my husband doesn't make enough money. I can't pay my bills, and now I am going to have to start working over time. I am out of options. And gil doesn't care. he does't care. If he did, he would have a new job. Tonight, he called at 3:30 as I was drifiting off to sleep, to tell me that he was leaving. On his way home from work. He was all excited I was asleep. I didn't think anything of it, as I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't I called him again at four and he fed me a line about how he forgot some things he had to do. I didn't think anything of it, until thirty minutes later, I tried to call him, and then proceeded to call him for the next twenty minutes. Fifteen times in fact, and he never answered. I started getting upset, and worried. when he finally calls me back, first he says he stopped to get food, and they took forever. I had to start questioning to get the right answers. he went out to eat with people from the bar, he ignored my call. Every time we go out together, he can not stay off the phone with work people, but god forbid he ruin his out to eat with work people to talk to me. I am defeated. I am nothing. and I can't do it any more. When will things change? I would rather stop exisiting, then have to continue this struggle. And he doesn't get it, and he doesn't care.