(no subject)
ho hum.
i woke up at 2:30 this morning. and i've been up ever since. i fell asleep at 6:30 last night... so maybe that explains it.
hmmm. my mom is a special women. i love talking to her. she made me coffee this morning it was nice. i feel so close to her, now that mike is gone, and now that wally is gone. it's nice.
but you know.. when mike hit my mom, it was because of me. because of what i said. because before i left to go w/ out w/ my cousin that night, i said... "it was really nice talking to you today." it was REALLY nice talking to her that day. it really was. it was special. and wanted her to know that really do appreciate her. so i told her. i didn't think he would use that as an excuse to fucking hit her. if i wouldn't have said it, he wouldn't have had a reason to hit her. and if i would have stayed home that night... he wouldn't have done it. but i said it, and i left. he had to prove to her and himself that he is stronger and more powerful than her, so he fucking hit her. she loved him. she really did. i just can't even begin to imagine how that would make a person feel. someone that you truly love hits you. she hit him back. which i was very glad to hear. b/c if she hadn't then that would have proved to him that he really was stronger and more powerful. i'm really proud of my mother. and i hope that she will stay alone for a little while. so she can figure some shit out. and realize how special she really is. and i really really want her to realize that she doesn't deserve that shit. i don't think that she really knows that. i don't think that she truly understands that she deserves someone who will be good to her, and treat her like a human, and appreciate her for who she is. i want her to be happy. i really wish that she could be. but there really isn't much i can do. i am powerless. i realize this once again.
but i have hope. i have hope in that things will get better for her, and our family. just the three of us.
anyway. i'm going to the dentist at 10:30 to get my braces fixed. then i'm going to go shopping w/ my dad for school clothes. that should be fun. maybe. my dad get's really really really irritable when we shop. it's somewhat funny actually. but yah. he says we will be shopping alot at goodwill this year. b/c we don't have much money at the moment. but i don't mind at all. i was planning on shopping at the goodwill anyway. my sister on the other hand is quite pissed about the goodwill idea. it's not good enough for her, i soppose. ah well.
i might go over to grandmas tonight. she's lonely. and she layed a guilttrip on me the other day, about my not going over there in so long. so i think i just might. maybe it'll make her happy.
um. yaaah. i'm listening to pink floyd. i really enjoy there music. it's so peaceful, and beautiful. i like it very much.
i wonder what collin is doing right now. i always wonder about that. i wonder how big he's gotten. i haven't seen him in so long. i miss him, alot. he's probly still sleeping. or maybe not. maybe he's eating. maybe he's just laying in his crib staring up at the ceiling. or maybe Erin or Tim is holding him. i wonder. i wonder what his response to me will be, when i go and see him. i hope he doesn't cry for his mom when i hold him. that would be too sad. i wonder if he'll recognize sherrie, at all. i don't know. i'm going to stop thinking about all of that for now. it's to depressing.
yah. i miss justin. a lot. i'm really really scared that his parents are going to send him away. he means far to much to me for that to happen. god. i really hope that that doesnt happen.
ok.. i will now stop talking about that. that is quite depressing as well.
soooo... yaaaah. i'm bored. and i've written quite alot. i haven't written this much in my journal in a really long time. strange, eh?
i'm going to go now. gooday.
i woke up at 2:30 this morning. and i've been up ever since. i fell asleep at 6:30 last night... so maybe that explains it.
hmmm. my mom is a special women. i love talking to her. she made me coffee this morning it was nice. i feel so close to her, now that mike is gone, and now that wally is gone. it's nice.
but you know.. when mike hit my mom, it was because of me. because of what i said. because before i left to go w/ out w/ my cousin that night, i said... "it was really nice talking to you today." it was REALLY nice talking to her that day. it really was. it was special. and wanted her to know that really do appreciate her. so i told her. i didn't think he would use that as an excuse to fucking hit her. if i wouldn't have said it, he wouldn't have had a reason to hit her. and if i would have stayed home that night... he wouldn't have done it. but i said it, and i left. he had to prove to her and himself that he is stronger and more powerful than her, so he fucking hit her. she loved him. she really did. i just can't even begin to imagine how that would make a person feel. someone that you truly love hits you. she hit him back. which i was very glad to hear. b/c if she hadn't then that would have proved to him that he really was stronger and more powerful. i'm really proud of my mother. and i hope that she will stay alone for a little while. so she can figure some shit out. and realize how special she really is. and i really really want her to realize that she doesn't deserve that shit. i don't think that she really knows that. i don't think that she truly understands that she deserves someone who will be good to her, and treat her like a human, and appreciate her for who she is. i want her to be happy. i really wish that she could be. but there really isn't much i can do. i am powerless. i realize this once again.
but i have hope. i have hope in that things will get better for her, and our family. just the three of us.
anyway. i'm going to the dentist at 10:30 to get my braces fixed. then i'm going to go shopping w/ my dad for school clothes. that should be fun. maybe. my dad get's really really really irritable when we shop. it's somewhat funny actually. but yah. he says we will be shopping alot at goodwill this year. b/c we don't have much money at the moment. but i don't mind at all. i was planning on shopping at the goodwill anyway. my sister on the other hand is quite pissed about the goodwill idea. it's not good enough for her, i soppose. ah well.
i might go over to grandmas tonight. she's lonely. and she layed a guilttrip on me the other day, about my not going over there in so long. so i think i just might. maybe it'll make her happy.
um. yaaah. i'm listening to pink floyd. i really enjoy there music. it's so peaceful, and beautiful. i like it very much.
i wonder what collin is doing right now. i always wonder about that. i wonder how big he's gotten. i haven't seen him in so long. i miss him, alot. he's probly still sleeping. or maybe not. maybe he's eating. maybe he's just laying in his crib staring up at the ceiling. or maybe Erin or Tim is holding him. i wonder. i wonder what his response to me will be, when i go and see him. i hope he doesn't cry for his mom when i hold him. that would be too sad. i wonder if he'll recognize sherrie, at all. i don't know. i'm going to stop thinking about all of that for now. it's to depressing.
yah. i miss justin. a lot. i'm really really scared that his parents are going to send him away. he means far to much to me for that to happen. god. i really hope that that doesnt happen.
ok.. i will now stop talking about that. that is quite depressing as well.
soooo... yaaaah. i'm bored. and i've written quite alot. i haven't written this much in my journal in a really long time. strange, eh?
i'm going to go now. gooday.