I've never felt so alone while laying next to someone I had intimate feelings for.
Fighting fighting fighting... urges.
Talk huh? Where to even begin. Why do we follow through with things when the situation changes?
But how do you know for certain when things change?
I suppose I've never kissed her hello, though I've always wanted to.
I think I've learned that I regard touch as an almost mandatory display of affection.
"Probably for the better"
"I know you like sleeping in the middle, but would you mind..." Not necessarily, I just wanted to be near you.
I never wanted to stay up using the computer when you were laying in my bed. I wanted to spend the few moments of time you were around with *you*. If I wanted to go skate, or play video games, or hangout with my friends I wouldn't set time aside dedicated to *you*. Why would I fly, take time off work, re-arrange my schedule, and visit you to do things I could do by myself at home? Hell, I could have saved time and money by not even leaving my house in the first place. I guess I just assumed it would be the same with her. Though perhaps being part of a 1% means she's different than the rest of the world.
Perhaps I'm too ordinary.
It was my own insecurities that arose after a failed attempt to give her the first kiss of our time together. Perhaps it was because of my awkward nature that enabled her to react in such a way, but the rigidity of her lips tore the stitches from an old wound. I'm aware of it's existence, but there's nothing to be done about it. How do you kill a memory? Everyone has bad memories, and things that occur in life can remind them of a past wished left forgotten. For me, nothing's ever been as hurtful as not being kissed back.
I never tried again.
And it's not like I could tell her this. I mean, sure, I could have. But the last thing I want is a pity kiss. Fuck that.
Sigh.
I've been here for 3 hours, filtering through thoughts, and this is all I've got so far.
Maybe I'll come back to this, for there's far more to express than what I've written here.
I just don't get what happened to the woman I started to fall for. Perhaps it is her detest of this type of weather that stifled the joy we usually have together.
Oh! and "I'm sure you'll find someone who likes cuddling" ... what the hell? I realize, as I've always realized, that we've never had any discussion about expectations from each other, nor decisions of monogamy vs polygamy, but haven't I expressed several times my affection towards her? Haven't I mentioned my disinterest at finding others to fulfill my intimate needs, when it's her I'm so attracted to? Perhaps that was her way of telling me she doesn't feel the same. Or her permission for me to change my feelings. Or her insecurities prodding away in attempts to discover where my true feelings lie.
Anyway. Later lj. It's been a while.
~~
2.15.12
The 7th and 8th heartstrings broke on that beautiful guitar,
while the cigarette ash helped unmend a forgotten scar,
perplexed artists sit crowded around a dim-lit bar,
while to grasp and hold on, never really seemed that far.
~~
2.5.12
The Thoughts.
The thoughts that run themselves through me,
Of one, but still are sometimes three,
I long to bring her lots of glee,
Though strain to fight my memory.
I wish that I could plainly see,
The pain from that princess' pea,
so while I linger with my tea,
I ponder how to better be.
I ponder how to better me,
While waves echo the sunset sea,
The gulls cry that they hold the key,
So I switch my beverage to coffee.
With a little honey from a bumblebee,
I sip my drink beneath a tree,
While refining my final decree,
And let one, and two, disagree.
Talk huh? Where to even begin. Why do we follow through with things when the situation changes?
But how do you know for certain when things change?
I suppose I've never kissed her hello, though I've always wanted to.
I think I've learned that I regard touch as an almost mandatory display of affection.
"Probably for the better"
"I know you like sleeping in the middle, but would you mind..." Not necessarily, I just wanted to be near you.
I never wanted to stay up using the computer when you were laying in my bed. I wanted to spend the few moments of time you were around with *you*. If I wanted to go skate, or play video games, or hangout with my friends I wouldn't set time aside dedicated to *you*. Why would I fly, take time off work, re-arrange my schedule, and visit you to do things I could do by myself at home? Hell, I could have saved time and money by not even leaving my house in the first place. I guess I just assumed it would be the same with her. Though perhaps being part of a 1% means she's different than the rest of the world.
Perhaps I'm too ordinary.
It was my own insecurities that arose after a failed attempt to give her the first kiss of our time together. Perhaps it was because of my awkward nature that enabled her to react in such a way, but the rigidity of her lips tore the stitches from an old wound. I'm aware of it's existence, but there's nothing to be done about it. How do you kill a memory? Everyone has bad memories, and things that occur in life can remind them of a past wished left forgotten. For me, nothing's ever been as hurtful as not being kissed back.
I never tried again.
And it's not like I could tell her this. I mean, sure, I could have. But the last thing I want is a pity kiss. Fuck that.
Sigh.
I've been here for 3 hours, filtering through thoughts, and this is all I've got so far.
Maybe I'll come back to this, for there's far more to express than what I've written here.
I just don't get what happened to the woman I started to fall for. Perhaps it is her detest of this type of weather that stifled the joy we usually have together.
Oh! and "I'm sure you'll find someone who likes cuddling" ... what the hell? I realize, as I've always realized, that we've never had any discussion about expectations from each other, nor decisions of monogamy vs polygamy, but haven't I expressed several times my affection towards her? Haven't I mentioned my disinterest at finding others to fulfill my intimate needs, when it's her I'm so attracted to? Perhaps that was her way of telling me she doesn't feel the same. Or her permission for me to change my feelings. Or her insecurities prodding away in attempts to discover where my true feelings lie.
Anyway. Later lj. It's been a while.
~~
2.15.12
The 7th and 8th heartstrings broke on that beautiful guitar,
while the cigarette ash helped unmend a forgotten scar,
perplexed artists sit crowded around a dim-lit bar,
while to grasp and hold on, never really seemed that far.
~~
2.5.12
The Thoughts.
The thoughts that run themselves through me,
Of one, but still are sometimes three,
I long to bring her lots of glee,
Though strain to fight my memory.
I wish that I could plainly see,
The pain from that princess' pea,
so while I linger with my tea,
I ponder how to better be.
I ponder how to better me,
While waves echo the sunset sea,
The gulls cry that they hold the key,
So I switch my beverage to coffee.
With a little honey from a bumblebee,
I sip my drink beneath a tree,
While refining my final decree,
And let one, and two, disagree.