august 2002
i burned a polaroid of you on
a dark night. my small version of you, wripped skin, scabbing
as you crossed your legs into pretzels in larger form
on the other side of the hill: an intensity
down on your lap
you seemed to see
and i-
the light
fire gives off is said to release melatonin-
in the brain and i feel-
receptors birthing and transfering
a calm signal
like tossed baseballs
in the grass on a blanket near a stereo that keeps speaking "we're alive, it's wonderful"
my hands can't toss back
for you are not looking
at my hands (that hold you)
or my eyes (that hold you) i eat my own
courage and try to scarf down
your power over me at the
same time
though i still want to nibble your ear
softly where it's been burned
where it curls down
over itself i see myself licking your wounds and the cracked
residue that forms over time, that i wish to make
fade away. i am here and i will make you feel me my hip bone grinding into your
elbow
your words make my hands ache to
move and make my body
understand someone else
it really hears you
to make you
hear me
hearing
you
loving your
sound
even if you didn't make
noise
and i let out all my inner tension
while burning your frozen sandwiched face
shake it, i shake it
to make the flames grow brighter
i shake it, shake it
with a fury that is throwing a tantrum for your attention
(i edited it some to make it more blatant and make more clear these feelings i couldn't own up to at the time.)
current:[i've been so absorbed in my classes lately that i forgot how vigorous feelings between two people can be when i am one of those people. i have stepped away from belonging to goucher as a community, and even from my friends in terms of sharing and feeling close. i spent more than a year so upset over josh and i not working out. i now look at him and feel so little, mostly relief that i am not hurting anymore and that i will not hurt when i do not see him for days, or hear his laugh from rooms away. i wonder how differently i might feel if i really accepted myself and what thoughts and feelings come, if i really loved myself for everything that i try and push away and negate.
i get angry over the things i read and can't understand, when i try. - the things that are too complicated. i feel stupid, and i feel i should be able to understand things if i can read them. ridiculous, i know.
someone said to me the other night that:
having limitations isn't a fault.
within myself, i don't think i've ever seen them as anything but.
i'm trying.]
a dark night. my small version of you, wripped skin, scabbing
as you crossed your legs into pretzels in larger form
on the other side of the hill: an intensity
down on your lap
you seemed to see
and i-
the light
fire gives off is said to release melatonin-
in the brain and i feel-
receptors birthing and transfering
a calm signal
like tossed baseballs
in the grass on a blanket near a stereo that keeps speaking "we're alive, it's wonderful"
my hands can't toss back
for you are not looking
at my hands (that hold you)
or my eyes (that hold you) i eat my own
courage and try to scarf down
your power over me at the
same time
though i still want to nibble your ear
softly where it's been burned
where it curls down
over itself i see myself licking your wounds and the cracked
residue that forms over time, that i wish to make
fade away. i am here and i will make you feel me my hip bone grinding into your
elbow
your words make my hands ache to
move and make my body
understand someone else
it really hears you
to make you
hear me
hearing
you
loving your
sound
even if you didn't make
noise
and i let out all my inner tension
while burning your frozen sandwiched face
shake it, i shake it
to make the flames grow brighter
i shake it, shake it
with a fury that is throwing a tantrum for your attention
(i edited it some to make it more blatant and make more clear these feelings i couldn't own up to at the time.)
current:[i've been so absorbed in my classes lately that i forgot how vigorous feelings between two people can be when i am one of those people. i have stepped away from belonging to goucher as a community, and even from my friends in terms of sharing and feeling close. i spent more than a year so upset over josh and i not working out. i now look at him and feel so little, mostly relief that i am not hurting anymore and that i will not hurt when i do not see him for days, or hear his laugh from rooms away. i wonder how differently i might feel if i really accepted myself and what thoughts and feelings come, if i really loved myself for everything that i try and push away and negate.
i get angry over the things i read and can't understand, when i try. - the things that are too complicated. i feel stupid, and i feel i should be able to understand things if i can read them. ridiculous, i know.
someone said to me the other night that:
having limitations isn't a fault.
within myself, i don't think i've ever seen them as anything but.
i'm trying.]