How do you know?
How do you know when someone is right for you? How do you know that you can't put up with their shit one more second, or you'll hit their head with a blunt object, causing blood to spill from their fallen body out of their broken head?
*yikes* That was kinda....scary.....
ANYWHO...Lately, i have been in 'drone mode'. Meaning, I've been going through the daily tasks of my life without really knowing that i'm doing it. No feelings. No gratitude.
School starts this monday (29th). i'm not really too excited about it. Sure, i spent 140 bucks on a 1 credit hour class for books, but hey! I don't care....
It seems, anytime i want to talk to a family member of mine, they are STILL too busy to talk to me. I feel like such a loser, and my thumb is sore after dialing everyones house phone, cell phone, work phone...I finally got to talk to Annie...and she was in a sour pissy ass mood, so i ended the phone call rather quickly. Abbi is too busy driving, my Mom is working with her customers, and my Dad doesn't answer ANY of his phones. (Ben is always somewhere else....smart guy).
Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i didn't move to Tennessee...
If i still lived in Depressing Madison, Alabama.
I'd probably end up becoming a huge drug addict with no friends.
...Or maybe, i'd have been done with school sooner, and working at a REAL job....
Who knows. This is the hand of cards God dealt me. I guess i'm just going to have to deal with it.
On relationship news---Justin and i aren't doing too well. I mean, i've grown f-a-r-t-h-e-r away from him than ever. I guess putting up with his extracurricular activites has left him to not 'be there' for me...It's made me realize that I CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T BE THERE FOR ME. What can i say? I guess i'm high maintenance when it comes to the communication department as well as attention. I'm just tired of coming home from work to find his ass on the couch, passed out...CONSTANTLY. When can i have someone to cuddle with in bed, and to play with their hair, and have them COHERENT where i can be asked, 'How was work, hon?' or hear me babble on about the crazy things that happened to me during my day....
No, i can't do that...Because i come home to a passed out body and the sound of crickets. I'm lonely.
I can't call someone up at 4 or 5 in the morning to talk...
Will someone be my friend?
so yeah, i've grown distant to him. He says 'give me another chance!' and i point out (very calmly) that this is like the 3rd or 4th chance THIS SUMMER that i've given him...and he shows NO progress whatsoever. I used to be the person to get mad, and yell. I'm WAY past that point now. I don't give a fuck. I really don't! I pointed out that his brother and mother will never change, so he won't. Harsh, maybe, but like i said, i'm past the point of being angry and hiding words to make everything sound better. It's best to let everything out in the open.
Thanks to his extremely unattractive drunk self, my sexual libido has run out the door like speedy gonzalez. Is it wrong for me to not be 'attracted to him sexually' anymore since most of the time i see him, he's already piss ass drunk and swaying around like a drunk sailor? STuffing his mouth with whatever food he can find and leaving a mess everywhere?
I don't think so. I'm happy w/out it, though. Geeze...never thought i'd say that before.
I've told him all this, about growing distant, about no attraction anymore...And all he says is 'i need to straighten up'. When those words come out of his mouth, i just shake my head and walk out of the room.
I feel more like i'm living with a guy who just happens to sleep in my bed every once in awhile...Not to have sex, just to sleep there. I don't feel like i have a 'boyfriend'. Not all the time, anyway.
Sure, he helps me out by lending me money, takes me out, showers me with kisses (ugh) but once a beer is opened, he's not that person...Or if he is, he can't seem to keep his hands off of me.
So why...why am i still with him? Because i have nowhere else to go. AND...i always have the option of crashing on someones couch if it gets really rough. NO...He does not hit me. If anything, i'm the one that hits him when he gets stupid. Yes, i know that's not healthy...but i have a problem channeling my anger.
I suppose if something else comes along that seems a hell of a lot better, i'll grab at the chance. I don't hide any of my feelings from Justin-i tell him. It's not like i'm going behind his back or anything...
Friends, anyone?
*yikes* That was kinda....scary.....
ANYWHO...Lately, i have been in 'drone mode'. Meaning, I've been going through the daily tasks of my life without really knowing that i'm doing it. No feelings. No gratitude.
School starts this monday (29th). i'm not really too excited about it. Sure, i spent 140 bucks on a 1 credit hour class for books, but hey! I don't care....
It seems, anytime i want to talk to a family member of mine, they are STILL too busy to talk to me. I feel like such a loser, and my thumb is sore after dialing everyones house phone, cell phone, work phone...I finally got to talk to Annie...and she was in a sour pissy ass mood, so i ended the phone call rather quickly. Abbi is too busy driving, my Mom is working with her customers, and my Dad doesn't answer ANY of his phones. (Ben is always somewhere else....smart guy).
Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i didn't move to Tennessee...
If i still lived in Depressing Madison, Alabama.
I'd probably end up becoming a huge drug addict with no friends.
...Or maybe, i'd have been done with school sooner, and working at a REAL job....
Who knows. This is the hand of cards God dealt me. I guess i'm just going to have to deal with it.
On relationship news---Justin and i aren't doing too well. I mean, i've grown f-a-r-t-h-e-r away from him than ever. I guess putting up with his extracurricular activites has left him to not 'be there' for me...It's made me realize that I CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T BE THERE FOR ME. What can i say? I guess i'm high maintenance when it comes to the communication department as well as attention. I'm just tired of coming home from work to find his ass on the couch, passed out...CONSTANTLY. When can i have someone to cuddle with in bed, and to play with their hair, and have them COHERENT where i can be asked, 'How was work, hon?' or hear me babble on about the crazy things that happened to me during my day....
No, i can't do that...Because i come home to a passed out body and the sound of crickets. I'm lonely.
I can't call someone up at 4 or 5 in the morning to talk...
Will someone be my friend?
so yeah, i've grown distant to him. He says 'give me another chance!' and i point out (very calmly) that this is like the 3rd or 4th chance THIS SUMMER that i've given him...and he shows NO progress whatsoever. I used to be the person to get mad, and yell. I'm WAY past that point now. I don't give a fuck. I really don't! I pointed out that his brother and mother will never change, so he won't. Harsh, maybe, but like i said, i'm past the point of being angry and hiding words to make everything sound better. It's best to let everything out in the open.
Thanks to his extremely unattractive drunk self, my sexual libido has run out the door like speedy gonzalez. Is it wrong for me to not be 'attracted to him sexually' anymore since most of the time i see him, he's already piss ass drunk and swaying around like a drunk sailor? STuffing his mouth with whatever food he can find and leaving a mess everywhere?
I don't think so. I'm happy w/out it, though. Geeze...never thought i'd say that before.
I've told him all this, about growing distant, about no attraction anymore...And all he says is 'i need to straighten up'. When those words come out of his mouth, i just shake my head and walk out of the room.
I feel more like i'm living with a guy who just happens to sleep in my bed every once in awhile...Not to have sex, just to sleep there. I don't feel like i have a 'boyfriend'. Not all the time, anyway.
Sure, he helps me out by lending me money, takes me out, showers me with kisses (ugh) but once a beer is opened, he's not that person...Or if he is, he can't seem to keep his hands off of me.
So why...why am i still with him? Because i have nowhere else to go. AND...i always have the option of crashing on someones couch if it gets really rough. NO...He does not hit me. If anything, i'm the one that hits him when he gets stupid. Yes, i know that's not healthy...but i have a problem channeling my anger.
I suppose if something else comes along that seems a hell of a lot better, i'll grab at the chance. I don't hide any of my feelings from Justin-i tell him. It's not like i'm going behind his back or anything...
Friends, anyone?