Thoughts
I've been thinking a lot, mostly at Tim's expense, about relationships and my own issues. I told him I wanted a relationship and someone to love but that I didn't trust anyone. I can't. I don't even like to be touched really and for me to accept any physical contact with anyone is a big deal. I do it for the ones closest to me, but I feel like a monster because there's a server at work and I *constantly* turn him down for silly things like high fives and handshakes. I just...I need a barrier. I need to give myself all the space and protection I can muster up because otherwise I'm going to lose it again. :/
It's disappointing every time that I think I've 'fixed' myself another problem pops up and I start back over. Eventually I'm going to run out of super glue to piece myself back together with. I sort of feel like that right now. After David's assault I made the physical barriers. With Ryan, I can't trust anything I'm told. It's like the world is out to get me when rationally I know that's simply not right. But why oh why can't I actually believe that?? Why do I assume the worst of everyone?
There are some people that I can be open with and that I trust. Tim keeps making me look at things in a different way and I know he's doing it for my own best but I get so frustrated mostly with myself. I keep using the same excuses and reasons for the ways that I think and follow it right with 'I know it's wrong / stupid / bad' if I sit here and recognize the errors in my behavior, why can't I fix them?
I also worry about dating....especially dating here. There's a large amount of potential but I simply refuse to get involved because I have no plans to stay here. I'm moving to the East Coast the moment that it is possible for me and I don't want to hurt someone that way. I lost Gordon to distance and I hate that fact. I still lament him because he was good and pure. He was my first in a lot of aspects, aside from actually giving him my virginity he had everything else that made me up first. I worry that when I leave, it's going to leave behind someone and that's unfair to them.
I consider sometimes trying to find a partner already in that area, but then...that's a long time to longingly stare at a computer screen or text or call and not get to see them and hold them. I've done it before and I could do it again, but do I want to? Not ideally. It's not something I'd ask of anyone either. 'Hey, how 'bout you pack your entire life up and leave your friends and family so I'll be with mine? :D :D :D ' no, that's cruel.
I'm just melancholy. I can't wait till June...but it's so damn far away and that kills me. What I wouldn't give to curl up downstairs with a blanket and some hot chocolate and just chill with a Mimi at my feet and my friends sitting next to me. I realize that the length between these trips makes them all the more meaningful and powerful, but I'm greedy and I want *now*.
It's also nine days from what would have been my wedding day and that also makes me grumbly. I'd like to pretend that this is the reason for my mood but I know the following week I'll be just as contemplative.
It's disappointing every time that I think I've 'fixed' myself another problem pops up and I start back over. Eventually I'm going to run out of super glue to piece myself back together with. I sort of feel like that right now. After David's assault I made the physical barriers. With Ryan, I can't trust anything I'm told. It's like the world is out to get me when rationally I know that's simply not right. But why oh why can't I actually believe that?? Why do I assume the worst of everyone?
There are some people that I can be open with and that I trust. Tim keeps making me look at things in a different way and I know he's doing it for my own best but I get so frustrated mostly with myself. I keep using the same excuses and reasons for the ways that I think and follow it right with 'I know it's wrong / stupid / bad' if I sit here and recognize the errors in my behavior, why can't I fix them?
I also worry about dating....especially dating here. There's a large amount of potential but I simply refuse to get involved because I have no plans to stay here. I'm moving to the East Coast the moment that it is possible for me and I don't want to hurt someone that way. I lost Gordon to distance and I hate that fact. I still lament him because he was good and pure. He was my first in a lot of aspects, aside from actually giving him my virginity he had everything else that made me up first. I worry that when I leave, it's going to leave behind someone and that's unfair to them.
I consider sometimes trying to find a partner already in that area, but then...that's a long time to longingly stare at a computer screen or text or call and not get to see them and hold them. I've done it before and I could do it again, but do I want to? Not ideally. It's not something I'd ask of anyone either. 'Hey, how 'bout you pack your entire life up and leave your friends and family so I'll be with mine? :D :D :D ' no, that's cruel.
I'm just melancholy. I can't wait till June...but it's so damn far away and that kills me. What I wouldn't give to curl up downstairs with a blanket and some hot chocolate and just chill with a Mimi at my feet and my friends sitting next to me. I realize that the length between these trips makes them all the more meaningful and powerful, but I'm greedy and I want *now*.
It's also nine days from what would have been my wedding day and that also makes me grumbly. I'd like to pretend that this is the reason for my mood but I know the following week I'll be just as contemplative.