(no subject)
things have gone from bad to fucked.
as predicted she tried cornering me again with catastrophic results.
it began with an argument regarding her wanting me to move down here. she seems to think that if i moved down here that most of my problems would be solved. i am apparently "doing nothing with my life" so surely if i uprooted myself on start my life all over again then i could do something right for a change. not her words mind you, merely the implications given. after that argument, she stood and left the room, so i went and took a nap. she then wakes me about an hour later saying that she thinks that we are in a bad place and that we should not be there. anyone who has fought with me should know that if it is not a serious fight i will probably be good in about a half hour to an hour later and most certainly if i sleep on it.
anyhow, she comes in trying to tell me she only has the best of intentions for me and that she will not think any less of me and that i can trust her and so on. i then try to explore other options in a rather vain attempt to postulate what may have happened to cause such a grievous miscommunication. she would not have any of it. there seemed to be no middle ground as far as she was concerned. either i was at fault or she was, and there was no way that she was wrong. no possible way that she could have been mistaken. after it becomes clear that i will not admit to something that i do not believe i did, she turned into the victim and began to cry. "why are you doing this to me, i thought you said you trusted me, do not do this to me." then she breaks out with the "i am not crazys", which made me glad that i had not even considered taking my brothers advice, which, if you remember, was to do just that. it continues like this for another 45 minutes after which she asks if i would rather stay with my brother. i was initially hesitant to decide. i did gather the impression that staying may not be the best thing for her current state of mind, yet i did not want to give the impression that i was going to abandon her and give up just because things were less than ideal between us.
i then decided what to do after sharing my reservations with her. i told her that i did not want to just give up and run away. she then told me that i already had....that...was...it...each of you should know by now that there are a few certain things in life that i will not tolerate from anyone. friends and family have the same boundaries that must never be crossed. and my dear sister decided to do just that. the bitch called me a coward...NO ONE, EVER, CALLS ME A FUCKING COWARD.
fuck it, i said, i am leaving. i gathered my things, with remarkable haste upon reflection, she made the call and i was gone in ten minutes. as i left she then approaches angie, my sister-in-law and ride, and begins to cry on her shoulder. she then says goodbye to angie and like a petty asshole, brushes right past me and continues into the house. not so much as a fucking look in my direction.
i spent the duration of the car ride explaining to her what happened. since then i have found myself cutting myself off, just shutting down whenever i try replaying the events of that evening. i also find it hard to fight something. an urge i thought i had finished with. i will try to not give in. i must not.
whatever. not that i ever knew what to think in the first place, but things seem as if they are only getting less clear. my brothers presence is helpful but i only get to see him for about 3-4 hours a day due to hs work.
things were supposed to be easier when i arrived. i suppose they were, for a short time.
i do not know. i just do not know any more.
as predicted she tried cornering me again with catastrophic results.
it began with an argument regarding her wanting me to move down here. she seems to think that if i moved down here that most of my problems would be solved. i am apparently "doing nothing with my life" so surely if i uprooted myself on start my life all over again then i could do something right for a change. not her words mind you, merely the implications given. after that argument, she stood and left the room, so i went and took a nap. she then wakes me about an hour later saying that she thinks that we are in a bad place and that we should not be there. anyone who has fought with me should know that if it is not a serious fight i will probably be good in about a half hour to an hour later and most certainly if i sleep on it.
anyhow, she comes in trying to tell me she only has the best of intentions for me and that she will not think any less of me and that i can trust her and so on. i then try to explore other options in a rather vain attempt to postulate what may have happened to cause such a grievous miscommunication. she would not have any of it. there seemed to be no middle ground as far as she was concerned. either i was at fault or she was, and there was no way that she was wrong. no possible way that she could have been mistaken. after it becomes clear that i will not admit to something that i do not believe i did, she turned into the victim and began to cry. "why are you doing this to me, i thought you said you trusted me, do not do this to me." then she breaks out with the "i am not crazys", which made me glad that i had not even considered taking my brothers advice, which, if you remember, was to do just that. it continues like this for another 45 minutes after which she asks if i would rather stay with my brother. i was initially hesitant to decide. i did gather the impression that staying may not be the best thing for her current state of mind, yet i did not want to give the impression that i was going to abandon her and give up just because things were less than ideal between us.
i then decided what to do after sharing my reservations with her. i told her that i did not want to just give up and run away. she then told me that i already had....that...was...it...each of you should know by now that there are a few certain things in life that i will not tolerate from anyone. friends and family have the same boundaries that must never be crossed. and my dear sister decided to do just that. the bitch called me a coward...NO ONE, EVER, CALLS ME A FUCKING COWARD.
fuck it, i said, i am leaving. i gathered my things, with remarkable haste upon reflection, she made the call and i was gone in ten minutes. as i left she then approaches angie, my sister-in-law and ride, and begins to cry on her shoulder. she then says goodbye to angie and like a petty asshole, brushes right past me and continues into the house. not so much as a fucking look in my direction.
i spent the duration of the car ride explaining to her what happened. since then i have found myself cutting myself off, just shutting down whenever i try replaying the events of that evening. i also find it hard to fight something. an urge i thought i had finished with. i will try to not give in. i must not.
whatever. not that i ever knew what to think in the first place, but things seem as if they are only getting less clear. my brothers presence is helpful but i only get to see him for about 3-4 hours a day due to hs work.
things were supposed to be easier when i arrived. i suppose they were, for a short time.
i do not know. i just do not know any more.