What is love?
What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets!
I miss that game. I'm procrastinating. I should be getting ready for work. Bleh.
To make a long story short, in late May I cut my connections with the girl that I've been pining over for years. I began to adjust to the idea of her not being a part of my life. I made a few dramatic changes in my life. I made the decision to move to California. In October, I began to talk with this girl at work. She's pretty, we started becoming friends, and I thought nothing more of it. In late October, the girl called... the "old flame" that I had planned to write about in a previous entry where I used the term in the title. She changed her mind. She wanted me in her life.
Now? After all that? After I had come to the conclusion that our lives would be separate? Trying to be as forgiving as possible, as I want people to be with me, and happy because I knew that even though uncomfortable at first, I really do love her, I accepted that, and we've been speaking on the phone frequently, ever since.
But... that girl at work. Irina. Feelings for her have developed that I didn't expect. Feelings that are scary because they're different from the way I've felt for other girls. Feelings not based on what I'm getting from said person, but based on who this person is... so far.
I felt pretty intensely about a girl earlier this year, which I'm grateful for, because she woke me up. That helped me see that I couldn't continue with my 'old flame' the way I was. The mexican girl was more affectionate than anyone, ever, which was nice because I get lonely, so I was overcome by that. At the same time, I became very angry that a stranger could be so open with me, while a girl that I had loved for years couldn't. It woke me up, I decided to forge a crucible to get my solution. That's when I met with her and we broke our ties.
...Until she called. Now I know I love her, but what is this feeling for the Russian girl? Is it fascination at a foreign girl? It could be a number of other things. It doesn't feel intense, and I'm not using it (it's an asshole thing to do... I know) to make the old flame jealous, like I did with the Mexican girl. Thinking about what effect Kristen (my long time love) has on my feelings for Irina (russian girl at work), they seem separate and Kristen doesn't affect it. Comparing that to other experiences, I would have been willing to drop other girls for Kristen in the past... but not this time so much. This is all just a lot of... bad timing.
I guess the difference is, that I have a lot of respect for Irina. I'm very impressed by her. I'm leaving to California in January, at which point I'm not having a relationship with either of the two of them. Kristen has confessed to making decisions based on more superficial reasons than mine.
I can't explain more now, gotta go to work.
I miss that game. I'm procrastinating. I should be getting ready for work. Bleh.
To make a long story short, in late May I cut my connections with the girl that I've been pining over for years. I began to adjust to the idea of her not being a part of my life. I made a few dramatic changes in my life. I made the decision to move to California. In October, I began to talk with this girl at work. She's pretty, we started becoming friends, and I thought nothing more of it. In late October, the girl called... the "old flame" that I had planned to write about in a previous entry where I used the term in the title. She changed her mind. She wanted me in her life.
Now? After all that? After I had come to the conclusion that our lives would be separate? Trying to be as forgiving as possible, as I want people to be with me, and happy because I knew that even though uncomfortable at first, I really do love her, I accepted that, and we've been speaking on the phone frequently, ever since.
But... that girl at work. Irina. Feelings for her have developed that I didn't expect. Feelings that are scary because they're different from the way I've felt for other girls. Feelings not based on what I'm getting from said person, but based on who this person is... so far.
I felt pretty intensely about a girl earlier this year, which I'm grateful for, because she woke me up. That helped me see that I couldn't continue with my 'old flame' the way I was. The mexican girl was more affectionate than anyone, ever, which was nice because I get lonely, so I was overcome by that. At the same time, I became very angry that a stranger could be so open with me, while a girl that I had loved for years couldn't. It woke me up, I decided to forge a crucible to get my solution. That's when I met with her and we broke our ties.
...Until she called. Now I know I love her, but what is this feeling for the Russian girl? Is it fascination at a foreign girl? It could be a number of other things. It doesn't feel intense, and I'm not using it (it's an asshole thing to do... I know) to make the old flame jealous, like I did with the Mexican girl. Thinking about what effect Kristen (my long time love) has on my feelings for Irina (russian girl at work), they seem separate and Kristen doesn't affect it. Comparing that to other experiences, I would have been willing to drop other girls for Kristen in the past... but not this time so much. This is all just a lot of... bad timing.
I guess the difference is, that I have a lot of respect for Irina. I'm very impressed by her. I'm leaving to California in January, at which point I'm not having a relationship with either of the two of them. Kristen has confessed to making decisions based on more superficial reasons than mine.
I can't explain more now, gotta go to work.