(no subject)
i guess i just feel... i feel more than any of you ever will and sometimes i don't think you know how hard it is for me to feel all of this negativity at once coming at me. sometimes it's hard for me to tell people what i need-- and maybe that's my fault-- sometimes it's hard for me to let people in and show them who i really am-- and that's probably my fault too... i always could write better than i could talk.
it makes me so mad when people undermine me-- people who don't even know me-- people who (if they did know me) would realize that i have been through some shit and maybe cut me some slack and that really i just try to make everyone happy and that i try, really i do, to listen and to help everyone i possibly can and make the world better and sometimes i just don't understand how these people can be so mean. maybe i'm naive but i guess i always believed in the good in people... maybe that's why i get so surprised when people are intentionally nasty.
i really felt like an ass tonight... in front of my boss... in front of my co-workers and this seems to be a trend this year and it really really frustrates me. and part of me really feels sorry for you C... because honestly, someone must have hurt you really bad to make you such a fucking asshole... someone must have hurt you bad enough to make you want to hurt other people and that makes me sad for you because even though you may think your cattiness is harmless... and even though it shouldn't matter because i don't know you that well... it still hurts me because i'm sensitive. to tell you the truth, your voice just gets added to the other negative ones in my head-- you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not a hard worker, you're a quitter, you're fat, you're lazy, you're too emotional, you're too needy, you're too clingy, you're too bitchy, you talk too much, you're too militant, why do you think that way, that's STUPID STUPID STUPID, you're wrong, you're too much too much too much too much... over and over and over and over until i feel so small inside... i just curl up there right inside myself smaller and smaller until i'm getting so small just like when i starved myself... only this time it's on the inside and i don't even have the bones to show for it... just disappearing inside myself so so so small because that's how it makes me feel when you're mean to me.
and it shouldn't matter. i shouldn't care.
i guess i'm just sensitive. and it only takes one really mean person to bring me back to say, twelve... and all the other nice things people have ever said about me just get really quiet and the mean things are screaming so loud in my ears until i'm talking on the phone to tony (goddess love him, he tries so hard to understand me) and i'm sobbing and then hyperventilating and then having an anxiety attack and i can't feel my hands or feet and i can't stop breathing so fast because everything negative is screaming in my ears. and he's saying (in the smallest, quietest, calmest voice) "katie, i love you. lie down now. slow down. breathe deep and slow down. i love you. i'm not mad... i'm not mad... " but i can't slow down because i'm already gone. and suddenly, just like when i was twelve, i think that there must be something intrinsically wrong with me to make some people be so mean to me. maybe i just can't see it, but i know it's there.
I KNOW IT'S THERE. you practically just fucking screamed it at me when you gave me that look, or told me i was wrong, or that i didn't try hard enough. but to tell you the truth, you don't have to tell me...
i already know i'm not good enough. something in my head tells me everyday, but thanks anyway for the reminder.
it makes me so mad when people undermine me-- people who don't even know me-- people who (if they did know me) would realize that i have been through some shit and maybe cut me some slack and that really i just try to make everyone happy and that i try, really i do, to listen and to help everyone i possibly can and make the world better and sometimes i just don't understand how these people can be so mean. maybe i'm naive but i guess i always believed in the good in people... maybe that's why i get so surprised when people are intentionally nasty.
i really felt like an ass tonight... in front of my boss... in front of my co-workers and this seems to be a trend this year and it really really frustrates me. and part of me really feels sorry for you C... because honestly, someone must have hurt you really bad to make you such a fucking asshole... someone must have hurt you bad enough to make you want to hurt other people and that makes me sad for you because even though you may think your cattiness is harmless... and even though it shouldn't matter because i don't know you that well... it still hurts me because i'm sensitive. to tell you the truth, your voice just gets added to the other negative ones in my head-- you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not a hard worker, you're a quitter, you're fat, you're lazy, you're too emotional, you're too needy, you're too clingy, you're too bitchy, you talk too much, you're too militant, why do you think that way, that's STUPID STUPID STUPID, you're wrong, you're too much too much too much too much... over and over and over and over until i feel so small inside... i just curl up there right inside myself smaller and smaller until i'm getting so small just like when i starved myself... only this time it's on the inside and i don't even have the bones to show for it... just disappearing inside myself so so so small because that's how it makes me feel when you're mean to me.
and it shouldn't matter. i shouldn't care.
i guess i'm just sensitive. and it only takes one really mean person to bring me back to say, twelve... and all the other nice things people have ever said about me just get really quiet and the mean things are screaming so loud in my ears until i'm talking on the phone to tony (goddess love him, he tries so hard to understand me) and i'm sobbing and then hyperventilating and then having an anxiety attack and i can't feel my hands or feet and i can't stop breathing so fast because everything negative is screaming in my ears. and he's saying (in the smallest, quietest, calmest voice) "katie, i love you. lie down now. slow down. breathe deep and slow down. i love you. i'm not mad... i'm not mad... " but i can't slow down because i'm already gone. and suddenly, just like when i was twelve, i think that there must be something intrinsically wrong with me to make some people be so mean to me. maybe i just can't see it, but i know it's there.
I KNOW IT'S THERE. you practically just fucking screamed it at me when you gave me that look, or told me i was wrong, or that i didn't try hard enough. but to tell you the truth, you don't have to tell me...
i already know i'm not good enough. something in my head tells me everyday, but thanks anyway for the reminder.