My absolute condition.
So, I’ve been thinking of actually updating this thing, kinda…not really. But I’ll throw this update out there.
I don’t really have anything gossipy to say, I don’t have anything to express how I feel about situations or even the motive to describe any of them.
Which brings me back to my main, honest to god, without any post-teen angst, hard feelings, or bitchyness, ahem, my main point, my absolute condition, the reason for this entire run-on sentence, is just this--I don’t care.
I’m not just saying that because it’s the easiest way to deal with what’s going on. But, ironically incase I haven’t heard this enough, ever since the army I have lost my uncontrollable sense of caring for others, and just put it all on myself. It’s selfish, it’s self-centered, it was never me, but woot! It’s great.
I got into a fist fight of sorts last night. I feel nothing towards it.
I get into scream matches with my parents. I feel nothing towards it.
My best buddy pet alligator died. He’s currently in my freezer. Nothing towards it.
The friend situation, the war between who can talk to who? Hahaa.
The sad part is, I don’t even care that I don’t see Aiden anymore. That almost bothers me, but it’s awkward knowing to care about something when you don’t feel it.
It’s such a neutral state of being. I have amazing, happy, lovely times with Amber, and I feel great, then we fight, and I’m just back to neutral. It’s not bad. But I think after the army, the cup that holds as much as you can take in life, filled up. I’ve lived, I’ve been through shit, shit that makes my head spin and makes me tear muscle from my arms. I can’t stand thinking back at anything. I’ve done my time. I honestly feel as though I have. I think I’m lurking, right at the edge of that “cup” and I feel as though I’m going to loose it. After the army my ‘friends’ knew I was fucked up, they stated it quite clearly, but they ran. And without spite, thank you. I think that was the best thing you could do, honestly. I’ll do this on my own.
With the fight last night, I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to go nuts. I wanted to kill them. But I didn’t. The feeling was grossly enjoyable. But I didn’t act on it.
I want to loose everything.
I want everyone to hate me, for what I am and whatever I choose to become.
I want everyone to question and judge the goddamn decisions that I make in my life.
And I want to not listen to one of them.
I want everything.
And thanks to everyone, I am getting it.
I’m have the time of my life. In this sadistic calm.
And I hope to god that everyone falls down around me.
But it’s funny, because it’s cool if it doesn’t. It would just be neat. :]
Everyone go cry, bitch and complain. Go team up with the Tara-hater three-some. Judge everything about everyone else then go back to your gold card and friend swapping. It’s all hilarious. I’m watching a game show and putting myself in the front row as much as possible.
You’re all great. Love!
And for the love of god, don’t talk to me about any of this. It’s fucking live journal and I don’t want to hear it. <3
-T