The decline of Vampires in Modern Literature
It was a late night at Barnes and Noble. The only sounds were the low rumble as an employee vacuumed the entryway and the dulcet tones of Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. The lights cast a warm glow on the only customers in the store, two men who were standing in front of a display exclaiming “If you like Twilight, you'll love...”
“I know,” Noah said. He picked up a copy of Twilight, and dangled it between his fingers. “Have you read this piece of crap? Edward is not a real vampire. I mean...he sparkles. Sparkles! Vampires do NOT sparkle! Vampires can't walk in the sunlight. It's been that way for years. Why even try to change vampire folklore?”
“And somehow drinking animal blood makes them more cultured? I'm sorry, but I don't need animal blood to be cultured, thankyouverymuch,” huffed Max.
“I don't know. Can you even say they're 'cultured'? I mean, that relationship between Bella and Edward is the very definition of abusive. He follows her around, watches her sleep before they're even a couple, and controls who she even gets to spend time with.”
“Pathetic,” Max shook his head. “And how about True Blood? Drinking synthetic blood? There's no way it can taste the same as real blood. It's the same as drinking animal blood. They're just doing it to try to fit in with humans.”
“And there's no way that humans would be as accepting of vampires as it portrays. They would go crazy. Massacres, burning down buildings, the whole nine yards.”
“I don't know...the humans did some crazy stuff in those books. I mean, they had the whole “Fellowship of the Sun” church. Somehow, I can imagine something like that actually happening in America.”
“And now there's the Vampire Diaries. Once again, another story of another vampire that falls hopelessly in love with a human. I am so sick of vampires being portrayed as lovesick puppies who follow around a human, trying to abstain from killing them.”
“You know who I think had a pretty good grip on vampires? Joss Whedon, man. His vampires were pretty damn close. Except for the ridgy foreheads, though. That was a little weird.”
“Angel was kick ass when he didn't have a soul. I only wish I could be as sadistic as he was.”
“Spike was pretty damn awesome, too. Until he got that chip. And then his soul. Then he went crazy. But I wanted that leather jacket.”
“Now Drusilla, she was a real vampire. None of that crappy lovesick stuff. She dumped Spike's ass as soon as he went all namby pamby. If there was any female vampire I wish were real, it would be her...” Noah trailed off, fantasizing.
“Oh, man, the things I would do to her...”
“Anne Rice also wrote some amazing books. Until she found religion. Then it kind of went downhill. Seriously, though, I liked Interview with a Vampire.”
“Yeah, but even she felt the need to change the folklore. I mean, if I had to categorize myself, I would say I am an original Hollywood vampire...” He coughed, and looked around quickly. “Fan. I'm an original Hollywood vampire fan.” He needn't have worried. Barnes and Noble may have closed ten minutes ago, but the employees stayed away, too wary to approach, casting surreptitious glances their way. “Dracula was a real vampire book. It's a classic. Bela Lugosi was perfect in the movie. Hey, you done here? Want to get anything?”
“Nah...nothing compares to Dracula. I'm sick of all the romance vampire stories now. Let's get going...John got some blood from the blood bank today.” They turned around and started to leave. “And they think we need animal blood to be able to live normally...”
“You know, I once partied with Dracula...”
Noah rolled his eyes. “Yeah....right....”