2 YEARS
I can hardly believe it has been 2 years. I mean i literally can not believe it. I remember the events of today 2 years ago more vividly than i do anything else in my life.
I went to the crash site by myself tonight, and that was difficult. It was getting dark, but it was something i needed to do. I could hardly stand to stay there, starring at the very place God chose to take Ben's life. It was right in front of me.
As i was driving out of Lower West Branch road, i was about to turn right to go home, but something in my was just like "go to the grave rachel!" I had never gone before, but i felt pulled to go for some reason. So i made myself turn left, and headed over to Memory Gardens for the first time. When i got there Jonie, Marty, and Brooklyn were there. Coincidence? I think not. Marty nailed a cowboy boot(of course!) of Ben's into the ground and then put a tree with a card attatched to it in the ground. He kept saying "Who would have thought?" Jonie started crying and it was then that i did to. Marty and Jonie went back to their cars, and I stoodin the rain with Brooklyn and talked with her for awhile.We talked about how odd it was that it was raining today, and it rained last year on November 15th too. Almost like... tears from heaven. I just can not even believe that it has been 2 years since this...tragic joy. That's really what it is. It is not simply a tragedy, because Ben would not for one second trade being in heaven for being back here. And i would never ever wish that he was back, because, how selfish of me! If nothing else, I'm so jealous of him. Yet at the same time as the joy of it all, I miss him. Brooklyn misses him. Marty and Jonie miss him. There's just a part of people that's not the same. The memories come back, and i'm reminded that i'm sharing those memories on earth without the other half of them. Ben isn't here to laugh at them with me. Brooklyn and I can't talk about it the same. Here I go...I might as well just let you read the 9 1/2 page paper I wrote on it last January. It explains better than anything else how i feel. And the funny thing about death is that, although this happened 2 years ago, and i wrote the paper almost a year ago, my feelings haven't changed one bit. I don't know if they ever will. It's just not like that. I don't want to "get used to it." I may be able to accept it, but it's not something you get over. It's something you learn to live with.
*RIP...BEN 11-15-02 I MISS YOU*