I'm Not Okay.
This is going to be complete and utter rambling.
You have been forewarned.
I feel like everything is spinning. Around. Out of control. Not all of it is bad. I am clinging to my thin thread of hope and eternal sunshine. I don't know what I'm doing. Where I'm going. Sometimes I feel so profound and alone and miserable then I'm surrounded by people.
There are people I care about.. I care about so much that it hurts. That mean so much to me. And I am nothing to them. I feel like I'm nothing to anyone at all sometimes. I feel like a novelty. Something that is nice to play with and then put back on the shelf.
I fucking love you.
Some people don't understand that.
Do you ever just want to tip your head back and start screaming until your throat caught on fire? Have you ever balled your fists up until your palms bled from your nails digging into your skin, wanting more than anything to punch something.. someone... until your knuckles burst open? Do you ever feel inspiration bubbling up inside you like a god damn fucking volcano? About to erupt? Yet like some sort of festering sore beneath your skin you can't get the words out? Do you ever feel yourself wasting away into nothing, knowing you could BE SO MUCH MORE than a worthless pile of rotting flesh? DO you ever think about how little time we have? And how your death will mean NOTHING to anyone. No one will remember you in 5 years.
I don't want to be nothing. I want to be briliant and wonderful and inspired. I KNOW IT'S THERE. It's in me. But it's trapped.
I have visions of myself doing wonderful things. I want to play my bass. I want to sing. I want to learn.
I want to feel what it feels like to be at peace, whole, and fulfilled.
I don't want to be the strange little girl who wasted her life. I don't want to be nothing to you.
I want you to love me.. I want you to remember me. I want you to wish you had known who I really was.
"You say you read me like a book but the pages are all torn and frayed..."
"I'M NOT OKAY."
I want you to see me for my potential. I want you to see me for what a fucking glorious and wondeful person I am. I want you to see the inspired artist. the vibrant soul. The beautiful spirit. The free thinker. The perverted, base, foul, innocent, loving, broken, dirty, FREAK that I am and god damn it, I want you to love me for it. I HAVE worth but it isn't worth shit if no one knows it's there. I am mysterious and diverse and a rare gem found buried under a pile of shit. I am the brilliant work of art stored in a dark room. I am the worm who never realized she would be a butterfly.
I want to be the person you actually want to know.
But most of all. I don't want to feel like a caged bird destined to fly.
I want to feel like someone wants me around.
I want to know that someone is happy when I'm near.
I want to be something to you. To anyone.
I'm tired of being worthless. a failure. the girl that no one cares to know her name.
You have been forewarned.
I feel like everything is spinning. Around. Out of control. Not all of it is bad. I am clinging to my thin thread of hope and eternal sunshine. I don't know what I'm doing. Where I'm going. Sometimes I feel so profound and alone and miserable then I'm surrounded by people.
There are people I care about.. I care about so much that it hurts. That mean so much to me. And I am nothing to them. I feel like I'm nothing to anyone at all sometimes. I feel like a novelty. Something that is nice to play with and then put back on the shelf.
I fucking love you.
Some people don't understand that.
Do you ever just want to tip your head back and start screaming until your throat caught on fire? Have you ever balled your fists up until your palms bled from your nails digging into your skin, wanting more than anything to punch something.. someone... until your knuckles burst open? Do you ever feel inspiration bubbling up inside you like a god damn fucking volcano? About to erupt? Yet like some sort of festering sore beneath your skin you can't get the words out? Do you ever feel yourself wasting away into nothing, knowing you could BE SO MUCH MORE than a worthless pile of rotting flesh? DO you ever think about how little time we have? And how your death will mean NOTHING to anyone. No one will remember you in 5 years.
I don't want to be nothing. I want to be briliant and wonderful and inspired. I KNOW IT'S THERE. It's in me. But it's trapped.
I have visions of myself doing wonderful things. I want to play my bass. I want to sing. I want to learn.
I want to feel what it feels like to be at peace, whole, and fulfilled.
I don't want to be the strange little girl who wasted her life. I don't want to be nothing to you.
I want you to love me.. I want you to remember me. I want you to wish you had known who I really was.
"You say you read me like a book but the pages are all torn and frayed..."
"I'M NOT OKAY."
I want you to see me for my potential. I want you to see me for what a fucking glorious and wondeful person I am. I want you to see the inspired artist. the vibrant soul. The beautiful spirit. The free thinker. The perverted, base, foul, innocent, loving, broken, dirty, FREAK that I am and god damn it, I want you to love me for it. I HAVE worth but it isn't worth shit if no one knows it's there. I am mysterious and diverse and a rare gem found buried under a pile of shit. I am the brilliant work of art stored in a dark room. I am the worm who never realized she would be a butterfly.
I want to be the person you actually want to know.
But most of all. I don't want to feel like a caged bird destined to fly.
I want to feel like someone wants me around.
I want to know that someone is happy when I'm near.
I want to be something to you. To anyone.
I'm tired of being worthless. a failure. the girl that no one cares to know her name.