Goodbye (for now)
It's with a very light heart, that I must do this.
I have decided to abandon this journal, for good.
When I came home from work last night, I had decided to give up on far, far more than this. Another day was passing by and my emotional state was far from improving. With every moment, I felt more and more hope passing away and I was in the state where I really just wanted to throw the towel in on every succeeding or being happy with myself.
And then, something finally happened.
I realized something, something that I had never considered in the past.
I smiled, and the depression slowly started to fade away.
It was replaced with a sense of peace, awareness and most importantly, hope.
I had already thrown in the towel many years ago. I had already given up. I had already decided I wasn't happy in this moment (whenever that moment was). I was always seeking the future.
I am always concerned with improving, I am always attempting to push myself in new directions. I am always pushing myself towards future happiness and success.
And I asked myself "Why?"
Why am I doing this?
And just as quick as the previous realization, I came to a very very important conclusion.
I don't like who I am.
Perhaps that seems far too generalized, but it's quite true. I'm not looking for sob points or reaffirmation. What I realized something around 11pm yesterday was that I do not like who I am, for a very important reason.
I will not allow myself to like who I am.
This journal is a prime example of that. Let's take for example the name: dismaloutlook. What does that really imply? The scope of such a name is almost all encompassing. I have seen no real hope in what I'm doing or potentially going to do with my life. This has been the underlying theme of my thoughts, actions and entries on this journal for quite some time. I just never realized it.
The title of my journal is "A banal person". Some time ago, I came up with this as a way to describe myself. Even further proof that despite at any given point where I was or what I was doing, the truth was that there was really no redeeming quality to my character. The same trend can be found if you like to my friends page and notice the headline of that is "More Interesting People Than Jason". Here again is proof in the pudding that even the most minute level that deep inside, I do feel quite inferior to just about anyone. The ramifications of these types of self description are wide spread. if you were to really ask me what I excel in, how would you believe I'd answer? Well, I can start by saying that after much thought in the past, I have felt like there is absolutely nothing that I would openly admit to being talented at. Is this because I am not good at anything? Absolutely not. Do I allow myself to strive or attempt to home a hobby or a talent on a long enough time line? Absolutely not. Here lies the problem.
For far too long, the language and the terminology I have lived my life by have been entirely too negative. I have defined my present, past and future in the most grim ways and I have rarely found a moment of comfort in simply sitting and enjoying where I was or what I have accomplished.
What does this mean? If I'm not going to be good enough until some ideal future, I'm certainly not up to par when it comes to maintaining longstanding relationships, taking pride in what I create, feeling capable in my daily affairs and etc. THIS I believe is the problem, It's in these thought processes, it's in this terminology, it's in this general discomfort with who I am now that does not allow for me to go on.
So what do I do now? Well, I believe it is time that I attack these thought processes and minimize them until I can hopefully make something more optimistic and self appreciative out of them. This means actively engaging hobbies, spending more time alone, relearning how to like and love myself again. Most importantly though, before all of this is right now. Right now is of most importance to me. Feeling proud of myself is important, right now. Feeling capable needs to begin, right now. Feeling that who I am through and through is good for someone, whether on a relationship level or a friendship level is important, right now. If right now doesn't begin to change, tomorrow never will.
So here is one of the ceremonial aspects of this decision. Dismaloutlook is gone. I have created a new journal, and I have posted the link in a journal entry just a moment ago. I apologize about the distance I have put between many of my friends in the past, but let me assure you this is not just another post. Jason has changed, because Jason had to change.
This journal and this name has been a part of my life for so long, that part of me is sad to see it go. I have met so many people from both melodramatic dot com and lj through this handle, and even though the same rules cannot apply anymore, I will always appreciate this time. I wouldn't take back a single moment, and I think it was completely necessary.
So, to anyone who has ever posted a comment or read this journal throughout the course of the past 5 years, I want to thank you. Thank you for taking any amount of time out to read my thoughts. I thank you for your comments and I especially want to thank you for all of your support. What many of you have said in the past has really meant so much to me, and tragically it never resonated as truth because I never allowed it to.
Times have changed, and I will find happiness. I will like myself and I will change the way I think and define myself. I don't have any other choice, and I would not have it any other way.
Goodbye dismaloutlook, best of luck in the future man, not that you need it.
=)
I have decided to abandon this journal, for good.
When I came home from work last night, I had decided to give up on far, far more than this. Another day was passing by and my emotional state was far from improving. With every moment, I felt more and more hope passing away and I was in the state where I really just wanted to throw the towel in on every succeeding or being happy with myself.
And then, something finally happened.
I realized something, something that I had never considered in the past.
I smiled, and the depression slowly started to fade away.
It was replaced with a sense of peace, awareness and most importantly, hope.
I had already thrown in the towel many years ago. I had already given up. I had already decided I wasn't happy in this moment (whenever that moment was). I was always seeking the future.
I am always concerned with improving, I am always attempting to push myself in new directions. I am always pushing myself towards future happiness and success.
And I asked myself "Why?"
Why am I doing this?
And just as quick as the previous realization, I came to a very very important conclusion.
I don't like who I am.
Perhaps that seems far too generalized, but it's quite true. I'm not looking for sob points or reaffirmation. What I realized something around 11pm yesterday was that I do not like who I am, for a very important reason.
I will not allow myself to like who I am.
This journal is a prime example of that. Let's take for example the name: dismaloutlook. What does that really imply? The scope of such a name is almost all encompassing. I have seen no real hope in what I'm doing or potentially going to do with my life. This has been the underlying theme of my thoughts, actions and entries on this journal for quite some time. I just never realized it.
The title of my journal is "A banal person". Some time ago, I came up with this as a way to describe myself. Even further proof that despite at any given point where I was or what I was doing, the truth was that there was really no redeeming quality to my character. The same trend can be found if you like to my friends page and notice the headline of that is "More Interesting People Than Jason". Here again is proof in the pudding that even the most minute level that deep inside, I do feel quite inferior to just about anyone. The ramifications of these types of self description are wide spread. if you were to really ask me what I excel in, how would you believe I'd answer? Well, I can start by saying that after much thought in the past, I have felt like there is absolutely nothing that I would openly admit to being talented at. Is this because I am not good at anything? Absolutely not. Do I allow myself to strive or attempt to home a hobby or a talent on a long enough time line? Absolutely not. Here lies the problem.
For far too long, the language and the terminology I have lived my life by have been entirely too negative. I have defined my present, past and future in the most grim ways and I have rarely found a moment of comfort in simply sitting and enjoying where I was or what I have accomplished.
What does this mean? If I'm not going to be good enough until some ideal future, I'm certainly not up to par when it comes to maintaining longstanding relationships, taking pride in what I create, feeling capable in my daily affairs and etc. THIS I believe is the problem, It's in these thought processes, it's in this terminology, it's in this general discomfort with who I am now that does not allow for me to go on.
So what do I do now? Well, I believe it is time that I attack these thought processes and minimize them until I can hopefully make something more optimistic and self appreciative out of them. This means actively engaging hobbies, spending more time alone, relearning how to like and love myself again. Most importantly though, before all of this is right now. Right now is of most importance to me. Feeling proud of myself is important, right now. Feeling capable needs to begin, right now. Feeling that who I am through and through is good for someone, whether on a relationship level or a friendship level is important, right now. If right now doesn't begin to change, tomorrow never will.
So here is one of the ceremonial aspects of this decision. Dismaloutlook is gone. I have created a new journal, and I have posted the link in a journal entry just a moment ago. I apologize about the distance I have put between many of my friends in the past, but let me assure you this is not just another post. Jason has changed, because Jason had to change.
This journal and this name has been a part of my life for so long, that part of me is sad to see it go. I have met so many people from both melodramatic dot com and lj through this handle, and even though the same rules cannot apply anymore, I will always appreciate this time. I wouldn't take back a single moment, and I think it was completely necessary.
So, to anyone who has ever posted a comment or read this journal throughout the course of the past 5 years, I want to thank you. Thank you for taking any amount of time out to read my thoughts. I thank you for your comments and I especially want to thank you for all of your support. What many of you have said in the past has really meant so much to me, and tragically it never resonated as truth because I never allowed it to.
Times have changed, and I will find happiness. I will like myself and I will change the way I think and define myself. I don't have any other choice, and I would not have it any other way.
Goodbye dismaloutlook, best of luck in the future man, not that you need it.
=)