in my heart it's the five of us
Kyle: and you, meghan. you'll be such a fine mother, do you know that? you have such strong arms and such a beautiful face. you'll meet a man in a few years, you know, still living in the house with all of us. you'll meet him at some strange place and the whole thing will feel strange because you aren't used to healthy, romantic love, but you'll come to me and i'll remind you that i told you this was going to happen and to just let it. and you will.
Kyle: you'll be the first to move out of the home, and we'll be the happiest to see you go, because we know you'll be happy with this man. we'll laugh and all be there at your wedding, if we're all still standing at that point, and all get gloriously drunk in the early part of your relationship, talking about how wonderful this man is. because we'll all love him, because he'll come into our group with ease, and not be a member, but a guest--and a welcomed one.
past intentions: that's how i'd want it to happen.
Kyle: and you'll grow older out in the country, working and you'll lay down roots and have a child and we'll all come by and smile and love that kid just as much as you. and you'll be a wonderful wife, and a more wonderful mother, and you'll grow older and you'll stop dyeing your hair but it will be alright because your husband will have learned from me to love you and yourself above anything else he has ever touched 'lest i kill him with my words when i'm dead, and he'll kiss your forehead and do little dances with you on the linoleum of your kitchen.
Kyle: and your child will knock over sugar and you'll laugh and dance in it and feel it all gritty under your feet and it will be raining outside but you'll play silly emo songs or maybe some johnny cash songs from the time when you were young and you wanted something that FELT this young and beautiful. and you'll get older and older and start writing all of this down.
Kyle: and realize that you are doing exactly what kyle did as a young man. you'll be old and young all at once, and realize you were always beautfiul.
past intentions: god, i'm really crying now. because i believe you and i trust you and you say things i've always hoped for but never thought they could happen if no one else saw them.
Kyle: it's alright, meghan. i know what your heart wants, and i know that you'll be the one who remembers me with the most clarity when you're old and have nothing left to do but play with your grandchildren and remember things as you garden.
past intentions: i'll write volumes on you, kyle shank.
here, here in Philadelphia, I might be okay for the rest of my life with these four wonderful boys who love me in a way I can't even see myself. we ran away to the ocean last week, the four of them, me, & another girl Kyle has devoted his heart to & at 3am the waves crashed against my bare feet & ankles & I giggled like a child. we listened to Air on the drive home & Josh's fingers entwined with the fingers on my right hand & he told me about the stars in South Africa & planted kisses on my forehead. Tony slept with his arm in mine & his head on my shoulder & Nate slept on his shoulder while his hand rested on my knee. Kyle drove in silence & the whole world felt perfect, even though my mind was clogged with thoughts of a text message sent by someone who never loved me at all. Josh slept in my bed all weekend, our limbs touching & hands resting on thighs to feel close. next weekend we're going to New York. in the winter, the west coast. in the summer, we'll live together, the fearsome foursome & I, the scared little girl who only wants to be loved. I watch out for them, I make sure Nate doesn't throw up when he's drunk or cause a riot when he shouts out at people. I'll put him to bed & sigh. I'll listen to Kyle & reassure him that Stacy does care about him & when the time is right, it will be more. it will have an official title I don't understand. I'll kiss Tony on the cheek & embrace him a little tighter, knowing he just wants to be loved & have someone stable in his life. I will hold Josh back from every fight he wants to be in, I will beg him to not be so dangerous & set himself on fire or try to pull some stunt where his head lands tooclose to concrete & he laughs when he walks away without a scratch. I will let him come to me when a girl breaks his heart & rest his head in my lap & I will stroke his hair while he tries to convince himself (& me) that she isn't worth his time. he can sleep in my bed when he's too drunk or just too unstable to be alone & I will love him a little more than the others because he needs me to. I will be their little sister. I will be loved. they will love me. they will rub my back reassuringly when I get off the phone with someone I never wanted to talk to in the first place. they will kiss my forehead before I go to bed & hold me if I need them to. when I do something incredibly stupid, Josh will stay in my bed & hold me while I'm shivering & shaking & repeating how scared I am of something I don't know. Kyle will come in hours later & make sure I'm okay while I'm curled up to someone who makes me feel safe. they will all make fun of me the next day. when I need to be alone, Nate will approach me, kiss the top of my head, & walk away. they will stand up for me, Kyle with words, Tony with reassurance, Nate with biting remarks, & Josh with his fists. I will never be alone at 4am again. they will take me to places I've never been. they will remember that I'm afraid of fire & bad weather & try to break me of it. they will collapse around me, Nate on my right, Tony on my left, Josh in my lap, & Kyle will watch. they will never allow me to go home with a broken heart or come back with one. they will hate Jay & call him ridiculous names so I laugh. they will do the same for anyone who breaks my heart. they will tell me jokes to cheer me up & serenade me with horrible versions of "I'll Catch You" or that Christmas song I don't know but they all seem to. Josh will sit with me for my second tattoo & play "Dirt off Your Shoulder" on the pennywhistle when my face clenches up to make me smile like he did the first time I got a tattoo. Tony will sing the Unicorns with me. Nate will do his signature dance to the Faint & make me love them for that reason & that reason only. Kyle will write about it. we will all sing "White Houses" together at the top of our lungs. we will all run away. I will have faith in them.
oh wait, I already do.
Kyle: you'll be the first to move out of the home, and we'll be the happiest to see you go, because we know you'll be happy with this man. we'll laugh and all be there at your wedding, if we're all still standing at that point, and all get gloriously drunk in the early part of your relationship, talking about how wonderful this man is. because we'll all love him, because he'll come into our group with ease, and not be a member, but a guest--and a welcomed one.
past intentions: that's how i'd want it to happen.
Kyle: and you'll grow older out in the country, working and you'll lay down roots and have a child and we'll all come by and smile and love that kid just as much as you. and you'll be a wonderful wife, and a more wonderful mother, and you'll grow older and you'll stop dyeing your hair but it will be alright because your husband will have learned from me to love you and yourself above anything else he has ever touched 'lest i kill him with my words when i'm dead, and he'll kiss your forehead and do little dances with you on the linoleum of your kitchen.
Kyle: and your child will knock over sugar and you'll laugh and dance in it and feel it all gritty under your feet and it will be raining outside but you'll play silly emo songs or maybe some johnny cash songs from the time when you were young and you wanted something that FELT this young and beautiful. and you'll get older and older and start writing all of this down.
Kyle: and realize that you are doing exactly what kyle did as a young man. you'll be old and young all at once, and realize you were always beautfiul.
past intentions: god, i'm really crying now. because i believe you and i trust you and you say things i've always hoped for but never thought they could happen if no one else saw them.
Kyle: it's alright, meghan. i know what your heart wants, and i know that you'll be the one who remembers me with the most clarity when you're old and have nothing left to do but play with your grandchildren and remember things as you garden.
past intentions: i'll write volumes on you, kyle shank.
here, here in Philadelphia, I might be okay for the rest of my life with these four wonderful boys who love me in a way I can't even see myself. we ran away to the ocean last week, the four of them, me, & another girl Kyle has devoted his heart to & at 3am the waves crashed against my bare feet & ankles & I giggled like a child. we listened to Air on the drive home & Josh's fingers entwined with the fingers on my right hand & he told me about the stars in South Africa & planted kisses on my forehead. Tony slept with his arm in mine & his head on my shoulder & Nate slept on his shoulder while his hand rested on my knee. Kyle drove in silence & the whole world felt perfect, even though my mind was clogged with thoughts of a text message sent by someone who never loved me at all. Josh slept in my bed all weekend, our limbs touching & hands resting on thighs to feel close. next weekend we're going to New York. in the winter, the west coast. in the summer, we'll live together, the fearsome foursome & I, the scared little girl who only wants to be loved. I watch out for them, I make sure Nate doesn't throw up when he's drunk or cause a riot when he shouts out at people. I'll put him to bed & sigh. I'll listen to Kyle & reassure him that Stacy does care about him & when the time is right, it will be more. it will have an official title I don't understand. I'll kiss Tony on the cheek & embrace him a little tighter, knowing he just wants to be loved & have someone stable in his life. I will hold Josh back from every fight he wants to be in, I will beg him to not be so dangerous & set himself on fire or try to pull some stunt where his head lands tooclose to concrete & he laughs when he walks away without a scratch. I will let him come to me when a girl breaks his heart & rest his head in my lap & I will stroke his hair while he tries to convince himself (& me) that she isn't worth his time. he can sleep in my bed when he's too drunk or just too unstable to be alone & I will love him a little more than the others because he needs me to. I will be their little sister. I will be loved. they will love me. they will rub my back reassuringly when I get off the phone with someone I never wanted to talk to in the first place. they will kiss my forehead before I go to bed & hold me if I need them to. when I do something incredibly stupid, Josh will stay in my bed & hold me while I'm shivering & shaking & repeating how scared I am of something I don't know. Kyle will come in hours later & make sure I'm okay while I'm curled up to someone who makes me feel safe. they will all make fun of me the next day. when I need to be alone, Nate will approach me, kiss the top of my head, & walk away. they will stand up for me, Kyle with words, Tony with reassurance, Nate with biting remarks, & Josh with his fists. I will never be alone at 4am again. they will take me to places I've never been. they will remember that I'm afraid of fire & bad weather & try to break me of it. they will collapse around me, Nate on my right, Tony on my left, Josh in my lap, & Kyle will watch. they will never allow me to go home with a broken heart or come back with one. they will hate Jay & call him ridiculous names so I laugh. they will do the same for anyone who breaks my heart. they will tell me jokes to cheer me up & serenade me with horrible versions of "I'll Catch You" or that Christmas song I don't know but they all seem to. Josh will sit with me for my second tattoo & play "Dirt off Your Shoulder" on the pennywhistle when my face clenches up to make me smile like he did the first time I got a tattoo. Tony will sing the Unicorns with me. Nate will do his signature dance to the Faint & make me love them for that reason & that reason only. Kyle will write about it. we will all sing "White Houses" together at the top of our lungs. we will all run away. I will have faith in them.
oh wait, I already do.