i am the killer.
ugh. i've deleted the last two entries. i don't know what i want anymore. do i wanna boyfriend? do i want him back? do i want anyone at all? have i ever truely been in love? does he fucking notice that i think he's the only one i ever loved? all these questions have been flowing through my head ever since i broke up with alex. being single has made a big difference and i've been a lot happier. i dont mean to insult alex, but being single has brightened up my days, but it confuses me more than ever before. the past is getting to me now more than it has before, i feel as if it may kill me. these past few weeks have been the best, yet they've also been the worst. my heads been full of guilt, shame, happiness, sadness, angst, so much shit that i shouldn't be so worked up for.
people say "oh, so and so is a complete ass, your so much better than that and deserve someone who is so much better than him." for a while i'll think the same, but then when i think of how close we seemed before, it makes me so sad and the guilt comes back and i want to cry, but i can't. i literally choke on my tears. shouldn't be so depressed over this. i over react way too much and it kills me and others around me. this is why i hate myself at times. i make this 10 times worse than they already are when it's not necassary. even though it might just be the other person or people involved, i still feel as if it's all my fault. like i get involved with things that i shouldn't get involved with.
i wish i wasn't so god damn shy and stupid. i hate myself for this. im so blind when it comes to guys. i can't even fucking realize when im flirting with someone unless we've got our arms wrapped around each other. it's so depressing how retarded one person can get...it's so depressing that the person just happens to be me. but please, tell me if i'm wrong about everything in this entry. make me feel even more stupid. i need to. i really do.
this summer is supposed to be when i make myself a better person, not worse. i need someone to help me realize my problems. i know i am supposed to do that on my own, but when you think about it, it's a pretty stupid concept, considering the fact that half the time most people don't realize their own mistakes.
do i make any fucking sense right now?