Rantity Rant
Either I rant here or force my friends to deal with my dark, bitter, negative side.
Guess who's feeling like a complete failure at everything again? *proudly points to self*
S'there's a number of problems here...
1) I feel like i'm getting nowhere in life, i'm aware of that, and i'm not doing anything to stop that.
2) My self-esteem towards my art feels like it's being sucked down into a whirlpool of negativity.
3) I feel like my chances of getting into an art school or even a job in animation in general will probably never happen.
4) I still don't know how to drive. I'm about to turn 21 and I still. Don't. Know.
So...let's start with 1.
Y'know how I spend a good majority of my time? I lay around in bed. I rarely bother to get up, I just sit there and watch cartoons and surf the net. Sometimes I go a little crazy and grab my headphones and pace around the house. I'm sure that makes me sound absolutely insane...WELL, I kinda am. Especially now. And stressed. Small things stress me out. Tiny things. Just the word "work" is enough to send me off the deep end. What does that say about me? Ha. I keep telling myself "Leanne...ya gotta change your ways, dude. Get up and start your life, it's flying right by ya. You're gonna regret this one day." BUT, do I listen? No. I've been telling myself this for years and that here I am...in bed. Being lazy. At least I stayed in school...but uh...we'll get to that.
Now 2.
Okay, I always feel negative towards my art. This isn't news. But it's even worse since I started my new drawing class. Seeing what the rest of the class can do...and then there's my work. It's embarrassing. I mean, yeah, everyone loves my doodles and comics...y'know, the stuff i'm not supposed to be drawing while i'm in class? Yeah, that. I made a few friends out of it, though...so that's pretty cool, I guess. There's also these two art programs I want to apply for for Nick and Disney and the deadline is next month for both. And it's like...I really wanna try for it, see what happens...but I feel like my drawings just aren't worth showing off to them. And then what if I DO get in? And I screw everything up? No doubt i'll be nervous. What if I misunderstand something and screw everything up. It's bad enough when that happens for something school related. But the thought of that happening towards a legit company that has inspired me for years? Do you have any idea how much pressure that is? I don't even know what i'd do...like....i'd probably kill myself or something. My brain gets pretty scary when I reach that level so who knows! Certainly isn't the first time i've thought of it. Ehhh...let's...next subject.
3.
This kinda relates to 2. School is ridiculously stressful for me. Last year, I only took 1 class and that was enough to drive me crazy. Now I have 2, a beginner's drawing class and a culture anthropology class. Doesn't sound bad, right? Hm. Well, they started off okay. Fast forward to a month later and I already failed both of my first exams for both classes. I mean, I still have till June to make up for it, but it's been beating on my overall chipperness, I guess you could say. It's a lot harder than it looks and i'm starting to get nervous that I might not pass my anthro class. I at least have some confidence in my drawing class, but we get graded pretty harshly on accuracy and it adds to the stress. And I feel like even though i'm learning things, i'm only learning them until after I already failed them. I guess that's better than nothing but...doesn't make me look good. Anyway, it got me thinking like...what if I can't even handle art school? What if it's just too much for me and I get ridiculously stressed and fail everything? Or what if I can't handle working at a studio and with other people? I suck at working with people. I think this is something I really need to force myself to get over, otherwise i'm never going to make it anywhere.
And finally, 4.
Uh yeah. Driving. I should've learned to do that back in '08. I still haven't....well like, I took the permit test twice...and failed both times. I've been meaning to go back and take it but that hasn't happened. I *need* to learn soon, though. I'm pretty sure once I force myself to get over the fear of having full control of a car, my life will change drastically. Like i'll drive away and never come back. I hate having to beg people for rides. I also hate having to be stuck at home. ONCE I GET A CAR AND GET THIS DRIVING THING DOWN, NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM MY INSANE LAST MINUTE ADVENTURE ANTICS. People will be all "hey leanne wanna hang out" and i'll be all "F*CK YOU I'M IN CANADA" or some sh*t. Okay, i'm over exaggerating...but yeah no, i'm definitely crashing all the events i'm unable to attend because f*ck you. OKAY it is like almost 2 AM here and I need to get to sleep because I am mentally unstable and going to a convention today that I found out about literally only a few hours ago.
But yeah, writing this made me feel a bit better and it's something for me to come back and read once this mood hits me again.
Hah. Laaaater days~