not complaining..I like the pain.
the cycle started early this morning. The same thing every morning. The same amount of noise at the table I eat at with my family..the people I don't know. Somehow I manage to make it home, and I can never put into understandable words the staggering feelings I get when I walk in the door. Out of place. Akward. Lonely. Angry. Your same ugly face greets me every day..usually in a nasty way that makes me feel dirty..like I'm not worth shit you stepped in from our backyard. I can hear it in the tone of your voice, in the way you speak to me. When I come home everyday I look in garage to check for his car..to find it gone, is a relief. No, it's more than that. It's a miracle..a release. I don't feel scared or threatened as much when he's not home. Yes, I'm afraid of both of you. The only time I snapped wasn't enough to make you learn..I still heard the daggers in your tone. They took their toll everyday when I shut my eyes at night. Like clocking out from work. I thankyou now for letting me grow up alone. It made me ready. I hated you then, and almost still do. Because it hurt beyond belief. There was no light at the end of the tunnel..well..maybe headlights. headed for me. There was no hope left..in anything. Maybe if there was I would have more feeling for you now. But I let go a long time ago. About the time I was so afraid of you I would hide. I thankyou for the roof over my head, I hate you for the pain I was fed. I thankyou for giving me the knowledge of loneliness, isolation. I hate you for the same thing. I thankyou for trying to keep me in line. I fucking hate you for using your fists. I thankyou for giving me passion about one thing in life..even if you told me I would just fuck that up too. You can't break that. I thankyou for making me cry, I hate you for making me admit I do. I thankyou for the food you gave me to eat, even if you often yelled at me or horassed me for eating it. I hate you for being so two faced. The holes in my walls from the anger you gave me, you blamed on me. Who taught me anger? I hate you for destroying the things I loved. I watched you pick out things to smash, and when I saw you come to the choice between my tv, or my amp..and you chose my amp, I hated you for wanting to make me hurt. I hate you for making me not feel, for making me not relate to any of my friends..for giving me the knowledge of what it is to not want to live. I hate you for laughing in my face when I came to you for help about losing my best friend to suicide. I hate you for making me. I love you for being my parents.
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