internet makes me public

[disheveledbat]

so
something something
i had dreams last night about her
and you hiding her
and sending the valentines message you didn't send me.

i know she's just a metaphor
i'm not worried about specifics
we have been through this.

am i only grasping because you are pulling away?
i'm not sure, but i don't think so
because
there were all those days
when i reminded myself
and i told you
i said,
you are so important
and
i hope i can be good enough please
let me be good enough

but perhaps i am already
and that is what i'm seeing distorted

you said marriage
i think first
before i did
before i could imagine being so stable
you said
marriage

how much do we talk just to hear ourselves?
how much is true?
and what is truth, and how long does it last and
do we have an obligation to it
or it to us?

it doesn't fucking matter
because
if you can't look at me like you looked at me two years ago
if that can't be in your eyes
then i don't want it

i am not
a lukewarm dweller