rug taken from under your feet syndrome...
So for the last few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
And there in lies the danger to be written ahead.
When I think, I think way too much.
I worry too much.
It gets me depressed.
I want to get married, I want to have a family, I want to have a team deal going on.
I want to grow up.
I'm about to turn 21.
I have moved to a completely unknown place for a boy I've cared about since I was like twelve or thirteen. I followed my heart trusting that it would keep me safe. I've learned that a heart can kill a girl.
I know that I am difficult.
I know that I can be argumentative.
I know it's hard to keep me happy.
Welcome to having clinical depression, no matter how hard you grit your teeth giving a shit eating grin, it will never feel like it stays in your heart for more than a glimmering second.
But the thing is... I know that I have felt true happiness for the first time in my whole life. Because, it lasted more than a glimmering second. And though I may still seem pouty and indifferent towards most things at times, there was one part of my heart tickled pink with happiness.
I know that, because I can still remember feeling it.
I've never felt like that before.
It felt amazing.
Having a ring on my finger and a wedding on the way.
It made me feel so hopeful.
It made me feel that, despite how hard headed and spooty I can sometimes be, there was someone that could hold my hand through it all and want to get to the end hands clasped tightly together no matter how unknown the situation.
I felt that no matter how skinned my knees were from falling, I had someone that wanted to help mend them back to good health.
Having a person want to have a family with me.
It made me feel happy.
It made me feel like I was worth something.
It made me feel like despite my faults, someone felt I was strong enough, and loving enough to help start their future family. My future family.
It made my heart sing.
The thought of having a little baby, holding their hand and guarding them from the boogey men of life. Raising them and instilling shared morals and life tools, unconditional love and support. It made me feel so full of worth.
Just a few months ago, at least I had the first of the two, with thoughts of the second.
Now, I'm wearing a ring to something that, let's face it, is never happening.
It never was going to happen.
Words will always be just words.
It's the actions that speak for a person.
I feel like I will never be good enough for someone to settle down with.
I feel like no matter how much love I pour into something, I will always be mocked and hurt.
I feel that no matter how much self growth I do, no one is ever going to care enough to want to share that journey with me.
It doesn't matter how much I try to be a team with someone, it will always end up with me fucking something up.
I've learned that when things are wrong, they were and always will be my fault.
No matter how much I want to share me, it is always going to be rejected.
And for the first time in my entire life.
It hurts. So. Fucking. Bad.
I have a relationship that I am faithful and committed to.
That I want to see grow into something more.
And I know it's never going to happen.
I see other people so in love and happy.
And I just want to cry.
Why can't I have those things?
I've never wanted it more.
I am in love.
Is there some unknown 'laws in the life of Kristin' book that was published before I was born that I'm unaware of, that bans all meaning in life?
I want so badly to have a future to look forward to.
It's not fair that I just live each day now, making myself be okay with never having marriage and never having children.
It's not like I don't want to have fun along the way.
It's not like I don't want to better myself and go to college.
I just want other things too.
Along the way.
And there in lies the danger to be written ahead.
When I think, I think way too much.
I worry too much.
It gets me depressed.
I want to get married, I want to have a family, I want to have a team deal going on.
I want to grow up.
I'm about to turn 21.
I have moved to a completely unknown place for a boy I've cared about since I was like twelve or thirteen. I followed my heart trusting that it would keep me safe. I've learned that a heart can kill a girl.
I know that I am difficult.
I know that I can be argumentative.
I know it's hard to keep me happy.
Welcome to having clinical depression, no matter how hard you grit your teeth giving a shit eating grin, it will never feel like it stays in your heart for more than a glimmering second.
But the thing is... I know that I have felt true happiness for the first time in my whole life. Because, it lasted more than a glimmering second. And though I may still seem pouty and indifferent towards most things at times, there was one part of my heart tickled pink with happiness.
I know that, because I can still remember feeling it.
I've never felt like that before.
It felt amazing.
Having a ring on my finger and a wedding on the way.
It made me feel so hopeful.
It made me feel that, despite how hard headed and spooty I can sometimes be, there was someone that could hold my hand through it all and want to get to the end hands clasped tightly together no matter how unknown the situation.
I felt that no matter how skinned my knees were from falling, I had someone that wanted to help mend them back to good health.
Having a person want to have a family with me.
It made me feel happy.
It made me feel like I was worth something.
It made me feel like despite my faults, someone felt I was strong enough, and loving enough to help start their future family. My future family.
It made my heart sing.
The thought of having a little baby, holding their hand and guarding them from the boogey men of life. Raising them and instilling shared morals and life tools, unconditional love and support. It made me feel so full of worth.
Just a few months ago, at least I had the first of the two, with thoughts of the second.
Now, I'm wearing a ring to something that, let's face it, is never happening.
It never was going to happen.
Words will always be just words.
It's the actions that speak for a person.
I feel like I will never be good enough for someone to settle down with.
I feel like no matter how much love I pour into something, I will always be mocked and hurt.
I feel that no matter how much self growth I do, no one is ever going to care enough to want to share that journey with me.
It doesn't matter how much I try to be a team with someone, it will always end up with me fucking something up.
I've learned that when things are wrong, they were and always will be my fault.
No matter how much I want to share me, it is always going to be rejected.
And for the first time in my entire life.
It hurts. So. Fucking. Bad.
I have a relationship that I am faithful and committed to.
That I want to see grow into something more.
And I know it's never going to happen.
I see other people so in love and happy.
And I just want to cry.
Why can't I have those things?
I've never wanted it more.
I am in love.
Is there some unknown 'laws in the life of Kristin' book that was published before I was born that I'm unaware of, that bans all meaning in life?
I want so badly to have a future to look forward to.
It's not fair that I just live each day now, making myself be okay with never having marriage and never having children.
It's not like I don't want to have fun along the way.
It's not like I don't want to better myself and go to college.
I just want other things too.
Along the way.